Sunday, 4 April 2010

Was Zombie Jack Bauer The Last Straw?

It is so written that on the third night after the Crucifixion eleven of the holy disciples were having a lock in which is an ancient ritual of David where you lock yourself inside a pub and imbibe great quantities of wine til dawn. Though all the doors were locked a figured appeared in the room. "Who are you? " shouted a startled Peter as he reached for his sword. Its not a lack of faith that Peter carried a sword, it just made him feel like a big man.

"It is I Peter the bloke that was nailed to that fucking cross all day, that was so not worth your sins."

The disciples looked at each other puzzled as they did not know the stranger.

"Um hello holes in the hands spear cut on the side , mum raped by God or so she said, any of this ring a bell? for fucks sake I pick the smart ones."

Sean known as John the lad yelled, "It is Jesus our lord has returned." and so they knew him.

"Now who is first to give old JC some head?" asked Jesus as he licked his decaying lips.

The door opened and in walked Thomas, "Look Thomas" exclaimed Mark "It is our lord Jesus back from death isn't this joyous and not at all creepy?"

Thomas looked with a frown on his face, "I doubt very much its Jesus it may look and sound like him but its not the long haired sandal wearing hippy you know, there is nothing of him left inside."

The disciples looked shocked, the figure in the room sighed, "Ok then if its proof you want, blessed are the.............."

In a fluid motion Thomas drew his sword and sliced off the mysterious figures head and then chopped and hacked at it until there was nothing left.
Thomas carried a sword not through lack of faith but because he isn't stupid which is why the Pope sits behind bullet proof glass.

The blood splattered disciples looked on in shocked silence.

"I just met Judas up the road , the fucker tried to eat my brains besides no way was I going to listen to all that blessed are everyone except Thomas shite again."

"What happened to your arm Thomas?" asked Luke known as slick dick cum bucket as he glanced at a bloodied rag wrapped around the arm of Thomas.

"That bastard Judas bite me, it should heal ok it just itches though"

Zombie Jack Bauer and his insult dog Mohammad

And so it is written somewhere at the back that if a zombie bites you then you shall not turn the other cheek but shall turn into a zombie yourself .

In the time of Solomon did he write: Remove the head and destroy the brain .



Reggie said...

You do know that you're definitely going to hell for writing this blasphemous shit right?!?

I'll see you there Old Knudsen!!!

Old Knudsen said...

Its mythology man if I wrote about Thor no one would care. I just want to see who gets pissed off enough to put out a fatwah on me, Christians,Muslims or fans of 24.

donn w2Nz said...

You can say sh*t aboot JC 'til the cows come home but that martyrdog bit could be problematic...course if they haven't found you yet there is a good chance that they still have bigger fish to fry.

Happt Ishtar/Eastre :)

MJ said...

Is that yer family tartan up top?

Fat Sparrow said...

I'm betting on the fans of "24." Far more rabid than the others.

And zombie Jack Bauer looks far more entertaining than Jeff Dunham. At least Jack Bauer can be funny, even if it's unintentional. Jeff Dunham couldn't even manage that.

mago said...

Don't believe so, MJ, the colours are not right (piss-yellow and puke-orange are missing) and the ornament is not right, there should be more swastika in it ...