Thursday, 11 March 2010

The Vaitcan Made Me Fat!

Father Gabriele Amorth the Vatican's chief exorcist has recently made the startling claim that the Devil roams the finely decorated halls of the Vatican and is probably responsible for all the ills that has besieged the church over the decades.

The Devil made a crazy woman push the Pope over, the Devil made yon Turk shoot Pope John Paul # 2 and the Devil made the priests fondle children and made the bishops and Popes cover it up, the Devil made them do nothing during WWII except help Nazis flee to Argentina.

It all sounds quite plausible to Old Knudsen as those are the kinds of things everyone says the Devil makes them do.

"The Devil resides in the Vatican and you can see the consequences," said Father Amorth, 85, who has been the Holy See's chief exorcist for 25 years.

"He can remain hidden, or speak in different languages, or even appear to be sympathetic. At times he makes fun of me. But I'm a man who is happy in his work."

Old Knudsen completely understands the man that has managed to avoid real work all his life and is still at it long after retirement age, the fella has a certain Je ne sais pas. Move over old man exorcism is a young man's job, have ya no seen Constantine staring the great Keanu Reeves ? Any film that kills off Shia LaBeouf has two thumbs up in Old Knudsen's book.

Father Amorth fought as a partisan during the Second World War, has previously claimed that both Hitler and Stalin were possessed by the Devil though it was later found that Hitler merely suffered IBS but you'd swear the Devil had pinched off a loaf if you went in the gas chambers after him.

Who is the main victim in all of this? Why its Darren Von Pattersmith thats who.

Darren was an altar boy at the Vatican years ago ............. not an altered boy as he swears he does have a penis.

He'd suggestively hem his holy garments and bend over pretending to drop things but no, he was not diddled. "what was wrong with me? " he constantly questioned himself, "Everyone else is getting touched up except me."

Pedo priests being sheltered by the church came and came then went. Darren withdrew into himself and found comfort in food.

The only food to be had were the raspberry ruffles the priests would lure the boys with and the sacrament wafers. Not liking raspberry Darren fed his hole of despair with soul food used during communion. "I knew it was wrong to eat Jesus but if he really loved me he'd understand."

The chocolate, vanilla and fish wafers soon took their toll. "I was eating 40 packs a day and gaining the pounds." One day he read the packet and found 5% Trans fat on the label.

"I was gutted, the church had been feeding us fattening symbolic human flesh for years and we didn't know."

Darren being one of the many Catholic church's victims is now looking for answers.

Father Amorth who once ripped apart Nazis with his teeth but now works for one said from his villa in Rome, " Darren was once a very attractive boy in many ways I do not know how he was missed unless the Devil hid him from our vision in a cloud of his evil."

The new promise of the Catholic church will be (except in Ireland and Uganda terms and conditions may apply) 'No more possessions with people vomiting shards of glass and pieces of iron and zero Trans fats'.

Darren says that though the damage has been done with him he hopes that others will learn from his story and once you go Lutheran you never go back as those guys are phat!


Fat Sparrow said...

"finely decorated halls of the Vatican"

Oh really? Judging by the decor I'd say your man has made a good point for Satan roaming the halls, at least Ikea is understated.

Reggie said...

So they're going with "the devil made me do it"?!?

That's original.

I'd always wondered just what would make a grown man want to screw boys in the ass......I guess that answers that.

Heff said...

The devil makes me BLOG.

Cathy said...

As long as you believe in a devil, naturally he'll be everywhere and the cause of everything people won't take responsibility for. Hey why is "Dormir" using the Symbionese Liberation Army's logo? Just cur.

Bavarian Orange Order said...

Another exorcism called for:

Reggie said...

The devil gave that fat dude moobs.