Saturday, 19 December 2009

Keeping It Real

Saint Nicholas AKA Father Christmas, AKA Santa Claus AKA Kris Kringle AKA The Red Phantom has been arrested on charges of sexual abuse on minors dating back centuries . Police acting on claims made by thousands of adults who only now have had the courage to speak up found lewd images labeled 'Naughty and nice' on Santa's computer. The Vatican in a statement said they were saddened by this development and knew nothing about it though papers dating back to the 4th century state that Santa has had a history of sex offenses and was relocated to Bavaria , Turkey and Greece then finally the North pole to avoid scandal.

Peter Parker was bitten by a radioactive spider. While some may think he'd then have the powers of a spider to climb walls and shoot webs from his bum.

All Peter Parker got was terminal spider cancer which tingles a lot and besides its only the females that can make webs.

While saving a man from an oncoming truck, Matt Murdock (Daredevil) was blinded by radioactive material. Though the act of heroism had robbed him of his sight, Murdock found the radioactive exposure had also burned and disfigured his face. He vowed to be fight crime by becoming a lawyer and suing those who may be liable for accidents, he will fight for you.

Bruce Wayne's parents were brutally gunned doon in an ally way. Young Bruce suffered from depression and anxiety the best doctors in Gotham city couldn't cure. After years of alcohol and drug abuse he was found dead hanging in his closet naked with a rope around his neck and genitals . A high amount of cocaine was found in his bloodstream

A child of deity rape Jesus H Christ went on to have delusions of grandeur when he found he could walk on water, cure the sick and deflect bullets with special wrist bands. Thinking he'd be freed according to the plan laid out by his biological father he was brutally tortured for hours then crucified until dead. Resurrected as a zombie he was then beamed up into the clouds to live in an undead state forever.

After 2 thousand years he holds a lot of pent up resentment as all the torture and crucifixion did was split the world into warring factions that he has no intention of returning to . He no longer speaks to God and calls Joseph 'Dad'.

Saint Michael has called for a commission to review Lucifer's banishment into Hell.

Superman who until recently shared the North pole with Santa went on a spree of destruction. President Obama a long time admirer of Superman said, "Absolute power corrupts absolutely we have no other option but to apprehend and deport Superman who entered the country illegally".

Ironman refused the offer to bring Superman in saying he was tackling rust issues and getting a lube job. A task force of federal welders is to be set up to arrest the man of steel.


MJ said...

Peter Parker also got a girlfriend named MJ.

That goes to show that he's a superhero.

Old Knudsen said...

Or he likes the easy chicks.

Princess said...

Dear Mr Knudsen,
After that night on the beach you're my super hero!!

Boxer said...

Merry Christmas Old Man. I hope they let you out for a warm meal.

mago too tired to sign in said...

Happy X-MAs as your American friends say. Cheer up you olde heathen, write soemthing!

Reggie said...

Fuck Santa Claus!!!