Thursday, 7 May 2009

BRB Cuntyknocker

After Mexico I'm back to my humdrum life again except former movie star James Mason called round and gave me an envelope with a job assignment from 'The Company' inside it.

The money is good but they have cut way back on the health benefits. I didn't invite Mason in as he tends to let off those silent but deadly farts and besides I don't want him sitting on me sofa having died in 1984 and all.


Someone had a pet Donn and released him into the sewer when he got too big and now people are complaining about hands coming up their toilets and tickling their bums. Donn laughs at U-bends.

The thing I hate aboot Canada is that if you eat anything while there yer soul is trapped forever and you don't even know until you die and are condemned to an eternity of eating used cat litter covered in bull jizz, er sorry I mean poutine.
Also if you fall asleep in Canada a pod takes over yer body and you become an emotionless zombie only suited to a career in the service industry.

In Irish mythology the hero Coo coo culane or hound of Ulster fought the evil Canadian witch Madge and during the battle Coo coo said "look some fecker just rear ended yer chariot" and when she looked he stuck his dick in her thus winning and giving birth to the Manitobes who are half man and half tobe, very warlike in their ways except when it cums to a ho-doon.

Then there was the famous Captain Rehab who was out sailing one day looking for giant white dick when he spotted a Manitobe canoe just off the coast of Moby. The natives on the canoe wanted to trade their crack for some DVD's and when one of them was only going to trade 2 cracks for Terms of endearment the first mate Ishmael drew his sword and sliced the ear off the Manitobe warrior thus starting the six day war which was really seven days but the last day was a Witches Sabot which meant that all the banks were closed and there was no mail service that day.

Where is this post going ? you must be asking yerselves right now that is apart from those who just scanned it for tit pics and clicked off again. Oh very sorry if there is more to Old Knudsen than to satisfy yer filthy cravings, is it difficult to wank in a toilet stall at work while balancing yer lap top or yer bills?

Back when Old Knudsen had his genital warts spread all over his body only a handsome young man from Manitopia the main city of Manitobia would even talk to him. Everyone called Old Knudsen Thingy so then me and this buff and very flexible young turk became super heroes ........... like you do.
The Uncanny Badger and Thingy we were called. He would spend most of the day gelling his hair and gluing knives onto the back of his hands (it was the 80's) and I'd be scratching on the bog with me IBS.

We did solve a major crime once, well for Manitopia it was major. We roughly hassled a homeless man thus making him move it on to somewhere else.

No one thanked us but we weren't heroes to be thanked it was for the chicks, they love superheroes.

Lucky I didn't call myself Genital warts man like I was going to but I got some action.

During the Great war for civilisation I made a fortune digging ditches until civilisation was vanquished and we got to where we are now. Who the fuck likes wearing trousers anyway? The crow that swooped passed me today gave me a coded message about a secret group known as the Illuminati who have a plan of annihilating Vatican city with antimatter and limp noodles.

The message was: caw caw caw!

Or maybe: caw caw ............ caw!

I'm fucked if I can remember but who the fuck cares about Vatican city except Fenian cocksuckers?

Hey it was like that when I got here.

You'd be amazed at how many Catholic weemen will shag a man if he wears a black dress and tells them its the will of God.

So anyway is light grey the colour of violence or is that just me?

Old Knudsen thought he was on a vision quest after gluing some rubber soles onto the bottom of his favourite pair of old shoes. A Gecko which is some kind of lizard only found in and around the Wall Street area started to talk to him through the telly.

The Gecko had an English accent which Old Knudsen thought was strange and it talked about saving money on car insurance.

After Berwick Old Knudsen refuses to trust anything with an English accent.

Old Knudsen believes that car insurance is for the weak and if a black cat pisses onto yer car on a Wednesday you will be fully protected and remember ........ trust me on the sun screen.

Now you can wank.


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12 comments:

TachaƩ said...

hahaha...

I will never, ever understand you but fuck is it funny.

i like the damn gecko.

Leah said...

I guarantee that with the black dress and the will of god, you can get some Hebrew girls to shag you as well.

Heff said...

Knudsen, you've got MAD photoshop skillz, much like myself.

Xmichra said...

roflmao.. okay, you should be proud of yourself for the donnwolverine pic.. that one was epic..lol..

Boxer said...

I came to see if you Man Crush was over and instead.... it's worse than ever.

Damn that Donn.

TROLL Y2K said...

That was long.

Old Knudsen said...

Tachae I am as deep as the sea and just as polluted.

leah I don't mind it being kosher.

Heff I love the way you distort yer face with photoshop, its gross.

Xmichra I have a catch phrase, "Its Miller time."

Boxer Donn is damned by my love.

Trolly Thats what yer ma said last night. Ka-chow!

Moot Rooter said...

I can't thank you enough for breathing some life back into my decaying blog!
..and all of the bromantic goodwill.

You complete me.

Moot Rooter said...

..and why are we out walking around the suburbs?

MJ said...

This is one of my all time fave posts and it excites me on so many levels: Fenian cocksucking, of course; Donn’s lovliness (naturally); the gecko (cute overload); Canadian content (yay!); poutine (food of the gawds); bum tickling; Irish mythology; ho-doons; the pairing of a handsome Manitopian and a Killamory warrior; and wanking.

Yes, this post has it all.

TachaƩ said...

polluted like britney spears dingly .

Old Knudsen said...

moot The suburbs are safer for us superhero types.

MJ It may be a classic after I'm ded, don't weep........ yeah weep a little.

Tachae What is a dingly? send pictures stat!