Friday, 13 March 2009

All You Need To Know About London From Old Knudsen

The great balloon display of 1940, Americans never came over to see it.

Cor blimey gov here is all the information you will ever need if you want to visit old London towne . Old Knudsen Lived in East Finchley for a while which is in north London of course where he ran ye olde porne shoppe, always good for a butchers. Here is a shout out to all my peeps, well actually I don't have any peeps cos the southern English are cunts, no offense its just the way it is, all a part of God's plan.

Old Knudsen knew he was a superior being then but it was totally confirmed when he came to America.
London was originally named by King Lud as Kaerlud then it changed to Kaerludein and of course the Roman Londinium. The last is from the latin meaning 'City of terrible sound' as the Roman soldiers really hated the Cockney accent, can you Adam and Eve it? Yes I may slip into cockney rhyming slang without explaining what it means.

It has also been called Londonistan and is the only place you'll find chav Muslims.

Later you have King Canute on the throne who is famous for being a canute which is Danish for cnut later changed to 'cunt' then the Saxons (bloody Germans) and then in 1066 AD (After the Danes) Norman conquered England. Norman the conqueror was a French Viking type from Normandy of course.

His son William became the next king and started to build Westminster hall near the abbey. You'd think it would have a hall but no it didn't only a entry way and porch.

In 1290 Edward I that wanker from Braveheart if you will kicked all the Jews out of England. We Scots are are the lost tribe of Israel, we were the Levis who made quality garments, we made the 501 kilt so we share a bond with the hooked nose money lending Deity killers.

Not to get bogged doon in history there was the Black death or death of colour, the pitiful Spanish Armada, War of the roses civil war one and two as we take gardening seriously, Guy Fawkes and his V for vagina monologues , beheading the king and the great fire of 1666 . All a nice wee bit of fun.

Then there was orphans, soot and pickpockets, a couple of wars the Americans were late for, some Fenian cocksucker terrorist action and a Dalek invasion.

The north and the south of London has the families, the east has only males and the west has west end gurls.
Everyone eats jellied eels, fish and chips smothered in salt and vinegar or else they are sent to the tower of London which does not have any lifts or escalators.

London gentry, never look them in the eye or they'll kill you with their razor sharp hats or cutting remarks.

The Queen has always hung about with a rum lot.

The Queen lives in Buckfast palace where she sits with a high powered rifle and picks off paparazzi or slow moving pedestrians. Its her thing and she is the Queen.

"You spilled my pint" "I'm so sorry dear chap how about pistols at dawn? no in fact don't trouble yourself to get up so early I'll just shoot myself its the decent thing to do."
You never threaten to sue anybody in London you insist on being sued. For instance if someone knocks you doon in their car it is you who is at fault for being in the way of the motor vehicle. You must apologise a lot and try to clean up the mess of their car. Paying for a car wash or mechanic is the right thing to do and if the driver looks shaken you must offer to be sued for emotional trauma.
If you fail to comply with the rules of London society you will be ostracised by ostriches and sent to Coventry which is a God awful place.

Elephant and castle ......... stick it up yer asshole.

Here is typical London attire, you should dress like this or you'll be singled out as a tourist immediately and looked doon upon. If you are Irish put on an accent or you might get stabbed in the tube, toob or subway as the Americans call it.

You Septic Tanks pay attention cos if you don't listen to what is being said you'll look like a Berkeley Hunt. I was going doon the frog and toad for a pig's ear but I was Boracic lint
so I asked this fella in a Whistle and flute for a hobb. I knew him from way back as I shagged his Skin and blister she had really nice bristols but had a tendency to raspberry tart round the back alley so anyway all he did was Bubble bath and told me to fuck off so I went home and had a J. Arthur Rank.

If you find yerself in London beware of the London eye . It will find you and nom on you until all that is left is yer feet which are thrown into the river Thames and get washed up in Canada. The river Thames is named after old Thamie a monster who lives in it eating all the fish which is why you'll never catch any in it, init.

Visit Big Bong, Nelson's erection and the nations finest pub 'The Queen Vic' but watch out you don't step on any street urchins as they are poisonous, piss on the wound straight away.

England has a state religion, no freedom of speech which is why there are no British bloggers so watch what you say and if you insult the monarchy expect to have yer hands cut off as punishment.

It is also a socialist cuntry so if you have a bag of sweets (candy) expect to share. A thing many travelers to the UK notice is the dental hygiene so bring enough toothpaste as you can only buy it on the black market (market of colour) for 12 packs of ciggies and some nylons.

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Carnalis said...

i used to live at the elephant and castle, but now i am reluctant to say that out loud.

Old Knudsen said...

I was the bearded lady in the Piccadilly circus.

Boxer said...

I believe in the Loch Ness Monster.

I have no idea how that applies to this post, but I just wanted to tell someone.

Anonymous said...

What about Londonian women?

Old Knudsen said...

boxer Nessie believes in you.

mago just hot sexy blow up doll types only interested in sex so boringgggggg.

MJ said...

Is Peggy still running the Queen Vic?

I can't keep up.

Just Another Faceless Commenter said...

Well, I was planning on going there, but what with today's economy and your informative post, I guess I don't have to.

Donn Coppens said...

My word! What a brilliant explains a lot.

I wrote a very kind letter to Mayor Boris requesting permission to visit and he tersely replied "Over my dead bloody body!"
He mentioned that adding your name as a sponsor sealed my fate?

I have only been there the once (77) and the highlight was listening to a drunken Aussie stand upon a soapbox in Hyde Park and deliver a paradigm shifting speech on gender equality. His theory that women should be kept in banks and only withdrawn when you wanted to make a deposit did not sit well with the audience...
which mainly consisted of bra-burning PMSing harridans.

I would dearly love to go back and see the resplendent chav McMuslims as they chant, "ACH! D'ath tew Aemeyrrrrrrrrrrricae!

Donn Coppens said...

A London Boy, oh a London Boy,
Your flashy clothes are your pride and joy.

Y'ou've bought some coffee, butt'ah N brayd,
but ch'oo cun't make a thing,
'cos tha meat is dayd!
always loved that line

You think you've 'ad a lot 'o fun
but ch'oo ain't got nuthin' you're on the run.

Now you wish you'd nevah layft y'er hooooome
You've got wo ch'oo wonted but chur on y'er own!

Sorry, one of my fave oldies from Bowie.

Rich said...

I like the Burbury. Actually I just stopped by to see if your balls were still bitter.

Old Knudsen said...

MJ no its Bet Lynch.

faceless good choice, full of English ya know.

DC I think I'd like that drunken Aussie.

Rich no I've fucken mellowed out.

tony said...

(A Yorkshireman Writes).........Corr Blimey Gov! Why Do We Never hear from London Bloggers???? Everybody else in The World Blogs to each other.but Londoners never do.

Anonymous said...

London is seemingly like fungus, undestroyable. And we started the try in WWI!

Old Knudsen said...

tony I hated you before but now because of Facebook we are friends, is this the answer to world peace?

mago Open up fast food chains and do it slowly like the Americans. Destroy it from within.

Selchie said...

it's amazing how many foreign students come to england expecting to find polite men in bowlers hats! If only the world knew. Free speech ? Wassat?