Facts Are For The Weak!

Ulster's # 1 newspaper (according to them) has done it yet again. Always full of spelling, grammar and factual mistakes ......... You get what you pay for on this blog so fcuk ya.

When the Belfast Telegraph first reported on the story about the shooting on the University of Alberta campus in Edmonton it read as follows: "One dead in US shooting"

The last time Old Knudsen looked, the University of Alberta in Edmonton was in Canada not the United States. 
Thats like everyone referring to Belfast as being in Ireland or lets just call Scotland the north of England. Let me guess Belfast Telegraph, New Mexico is in Mexico right? 

This is from the same newspaper that just recently called a young swan a Signet instead of a Cygnet.

For the love of Gog no wonder young people are idiots. 

The Eye That Never Winks

OMG whats happened to her royal majesty's eye? A stroke? a bust up with the stable boys? extreme pink eye? Nope it seems that Prince Philip who has been dead since last year and is currently a zombie bit her royalness probably during some rough Jubilee sex.

Old Knudsen with the insider news knows that her Harley street specialists along with the CIA who created the zombie outbreak currently being explained away as a new drug known as 'Bathsalts' have been working on reversing the effects for the Queen as no one wants Prince Charles to be king not even him.

There is only one cure: 'Shotgun!'

Its a nice day for a zombie apocalypse.

Remember chaps! that gurl with the come to bed cataract eyes may have a secret. She may look clean but how can you really tell? Bitey bitey bad!

 

The surgeon general suggests liberal application of Forceps and clamps. If the young lady has nothing to hide she certainly wouldn't object to alleviating yer fears.

As for weemen well ya can trust us. We're not cads who would lie just to get their hole. Oh and ladies have you lost weight and found the secret to anti-aging? Yes I'd love to hear about yer day and please do tell me about the money you saved with the coupons at the store oh I could listen to yer voice for hours I'm sure you hear that all the time.

Step inside my van for a moment I think I left my Penny saver catalog in there and its chocked full of money off coupons, I swear even if I won the lottery I'd still clip coupons.  Why yes my van does have a mattress in the back and yes it is sound proof.......... Its like you can see inside my soul you are a very special and intuitive lady.   

Doon Low Is The Way To Go

 A survey was done in Northern Ireland probably just because people just can't believe how backwards the folks in Norn Iron are without seeing the figures with their own eyes.

About a quarter of people polled said they they would not be comfortable having a ghey living next door to them.
Homophobic dickheads you may shout and yer probably right. The people of Northern Ireland have been bred for centuries to take offense at anything and everything by the manipulating English who used the Ulster/Scots settlers to oust the Irish Catholics from their lands ...... much like how the English brought over some Ulster/Scots families to get rid of the troublesome Indians so they could expand New York.

We pride ourselves on being the neighbours from Hell.
  

They're at it again!

Many may think that its only about hating gheys but did they take into account that the straight neighbours would be ghey by association?

Yer hoose may also be targeted by brick and bottles filled with paint throwing yobs who feel threatened by gheys because their own sexuality is at war in  their own hearts. 

Do you want gheys living beside you in case yer hoose gets fire bombed too?

Its no nice and the fact that the law prevents us from shooting people who cause trouble doesn't help. Sometimes its difficult to stand up and do whats right.

Just recently a young couple with a wee premature baby had their wheelie set on fire and pushed up against their door with the words 'Polish out!' sprayed onto their walls. The young family in a quiet street in Belfast got out safely the only thing is that they weren't Polish, total arsonist fail.

You just can't predict the level of stupidity of some people.

Old Knudsen would welcome having a ghey living next door to him.

As long as they weren't ghey men.

Old Knudsen Is Amoral .... Like Duh!

Ach stop reading books with big words in them. Its a story that teaches right and wrong conduct through experience. Lucky Old Knudsen is here or you'd never know anything.

A distinct lack of tits on me blog as of late, don't worry Old Knudsen hasn't gone off them. If you see a naked woman in a porno movie you think, 'oh whatever get to the sex scene' if you see a naked woman in a normal movie you think 'rewind that shit I don't wanna miss anything.'

Shy weemen who pose naked .........WTF!



The moral of this story is:  Never ask Old Knudsen the meaning of words as he may lie just for fun. 

I Don't Read So Good

Dear Paramilitaries

Old Knudsen is writing on a matter of great concern to yer health if ya don't listen and good. It has been most joyous seeing the displays of patriotism around our town on the run up to the Jubilee which coincides with the Protestant marching season which occurs every year to keep yon Catholics in their place in the cotton fields.

Old Knudsen knows that yer group and the numerous other groups must mark their territories like dogs pishing on a wall. Nothing like a well painted mural to raise hoose prices and brighten up the neighbourhood.

The flags you have put up on lamp posts are most colourful.

Many naming yer groups while others commemorate the battle of the Somme or have the beautiful face of the Queen shining doon.
At the risk of insulting such patriotic tough guys who may grab Old Knudsen off the street or break into his home while he sleeps and smash up his body. Yer a bunch of morons.

Ya can't go on about Queen and cuntry and how you want to remain a part of the UK and expect to be taken seriously if....

You can't put a Union flag up the right way.

Lets scare some Fenian fcukers with our professional hard ass ways. Lets walk about in combat jackets with guns and play at being soldiers even though we are too fat and stupid to hack it in the military.......... "Which way does the flag go up Billy?" ....... Billy stands there scratching his crotch, his mouth open as usual catching flies, his lack of a chin quivers as he considers the question, "Just put it up the same way as we put the others up, its all the same right?"

The thick diagonal white bar goes up to the top of the flag pole. If the thin white diagonal is going up to the top then yer flag is upside doon and yer a fcuk wit. How dare you insult Old Knudsen's Queen and cuntry only Old Knudsen is allowed to do that.

An upside doon flag is the international sign for distress .......... maybe it is appropriate.


Oh and if any paramilitary group wants to beat Old Knudsen up then you should bring plenty of yer thick necked thugs and make sure that each one has their own body bag as unlike you, Old Knudsen was actually in the military .... Ka - Chow!


Time slows deliberate actions
Leaf falls on cloudy day
Spirits scream but the Old man can't hear
Because he is death

Coffin Dodgers Now Have To Dodge Cars

 

 Pam Fokker the 'it' gurl for Age and Ageing weekly.

A report published in the journal Age and Ageing weekly says that Pedestrian crossings do not allow older people enough time to cross the road.
76% of men and 85% of women have a slower walking speed and so the amount of points you get for hitting one should be decreased doon to um say the average amount of points you get for hitting a drunken hobo for instance which is currently set at 150 .... 200 if you manage to drag the body.

Whats that you say? "How dare you Old Knudsen, I laughed at your anti-gay and gay Jews with cancer remarks and also when you called black people lazy Johnny black fellas but this is it ....... this applies to me and so I shall take offense. My sainted mother was struck down and killed by a car 3 years ago so how dare you sir!"

Um yer mother loved to be rear ended by Old Knudsen's huge throbbing SUV of love so shut the fuck up cunty balls! ........ why do crazy people always write in green?

Ramming old people is way too easy especially on pension day or senior discount at the shops . Getting the old people that go on about how tough it was during the war when in fact they were only aged 8 or something should be more points but Old Knudsen doesn't make the rules.

Age and Ageing weekly is an excellent magazine for us coffin dodgers, it does age simulations  on what the Hollywood stars will look like when old, Kate Winslet is still so wankable.

Old Knudsen would rear end her and give her backlash..... hips may be broken.

The King Is Dead

Rodney King the founder of the LA riots has died aged 47. Its not only the good that die young it seems.
The 1991 beating of this petty criminal crackhead sparked the LA riots that resulted in the deaths of 53 people.
Similarities can be drawn to the 2011 London riots which started when a criminal with an illegal firearm was shot dead by police there were 5 deaths in total yes yet again America is bigger. 

King was found at the bottom of a swimming by his fiancee at his home in Rialto,  Callyfornia.... Rialto is full of shit but usually it floats.  Friends of King have told police he was drinking and smoking weed before he went swimming. 

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was quick to find a camera and crowd to make a comment to. "This fine upstanding man was a crusader of freedom who had been persecuted all his life by whitey, they framed him many times for DUI and hit and run but they never broke his spirit now the LAPD have somehow assassinated him and we will bring to justice any cracker po po .... blah blah blah."

If Hitler was black Jesse Jackson would find a camera crew and defend him.


King's last words have been reported by his friends as being, "Why can't we all just get a bong?" 

Look At The Ears On That Face!

Edwin Poots the Northern Ireland health minister, ya know the farmer guy who doesn't believe in the true age of the world or in the theory of evolution and yet he is is in charge of the health system in this  backwards little outpost of Britain ........... says a lot about the intelligence of the UK doesn't it? 

He is still standing by his ban on ghey people donating blood......... He doesn't want to single out these disgusting evil fornicating worshipers of Satan cos that would be wrong! no he says the ban also includes those someone who has had sex with someone in Africa or with prostitutes.

To Quote:
 

"I think that people who engage in high risk sexual behaviour in general should be excluded from giving blood," the minister said.

"And so someone who has sex with somebody in Africa or sex with prostitutes, I am very reluctant about those people being able to give blood."

 Thats Old Knudsen out.

Old Knudsen and his wife # 4 were honeymooning in Kenya (she like to hunt the big game) and had sex several times to consecrate our union in the eyes of Gog ........ yes he likes to watch, thus we are excluded in the giving of blood. You Boers doon in Johannesburg yer blood is inferior unless yer virgins.

The Queen has been to Africa I bet her and Philip did the dirty while there is that them out?

Lets also alienate hookers and their clients, Old Knudsen has so many boxes he has to tick in order to give blood or he could just lie. They are bound to test the blood afterwards right?  ....... right?    

Old Knudsen recently met Charlize Theron the white South African American on a plane while he was traveling to Africa for yet another bloody coup you'll never hear about. Old Knudsen did introduce her to the mile high club while flying over the African continent so does that count?

Her screaming baby nearly put Old Knudsen off his stroke as did the passenger Old Knudsen kept elbowing in the face but we got there.
Poor Charlize was so traumatized she hacked off most of her lovely hair and headed straight for her therapist ........ Old Knudsen has that effect on people  Ka-Chow! 





       

Game Of Drones

If you ever decide to go to America on hols here are a few places you may want to visit ..... oh any Islamic jihadists just go fuck off as lightning has killed 30 times more Americans in the US since 9/11 and the Yanks just laugh in the face of lightning hahahaha! ..... zap!

That will teach you Einstein for not believing in a personal Gog.  

64 drone bases on American soil. You may think that modern day war is blokes choking on sand and wondering if the ally that they have been friendly with over the past 2 days is the enemy ready to turn his US trained M-16 on them but its not .... well it is but its not.

Much of the war is a spotty kid with his joystick back in the US fighting/playing for his cuntry. GW Bush ordered many drone strikes during his 8 years of terror and got some important targets but Obama has out done him on drone strikes and getting the Al-Qaeda big lads..... see? the useless fcuker has done something good, he just doesn't brag about it. 

Don't go see Disneyworld go see the bases launching the Shadows, Ravens and wasps . Over in Maryland a big drone crashed only last week as the geek at the control got distracting during World of Warcraft so Maryland, "can we have our drone back please?" fuck sake those lot are worse than Iran for holding on to drones ......... like a neighbour holding onto the tools you lent them, not cool.

All this talk about drones is making Old Knudsen well horny.

Look at the drones on that!

All these drones can and have been used to spy on the movements and tits of US citizens too. Helicopters over head are for the weak!


Question of the day!  What kind of bees make milk?

Boobees!

See its all related, bees/drones not just an excuse to post naked .......... ach who is old Knudsen kidding?

Bush Gets A Little Head

Game of thrones, the show famous for its naked weemen and midget sex has caused outrage by pointing out on the DVD commentary that a prop head used in season one looks a little like former presidential fuck up George W Bush.

The lump of rubber bore a striking resemblance to the lump of Republican rubber. The severed head was on top of a pike and was beheaded for being a traitor in the scene where Ned Stark as played by Sean Bean was executed and had his head stuck on a pike..... got it?

The creators of the show apologized for any offense they may have caused and have stated that it was a total coincidence and a case of buying cheap dummy heads that looked like cheap dummies.....

Bush is anything but cheap because while he was cutting programs for the poor, old and sick he gave himself a 50% pay rise making his annual salary $400,000 not including $50,000 for expenses.

Old Knudsen hopes he is now able to get by on the $194,000 pension retired presidents get. Working only 4 years then another just for laughs and getting a pension ......... he isn't as dumb as he looks.

In a statement Mr Bush said, "Its a stoopid and offensive idea, as if I'd betray Joffrey hes a great leader Berrick Obama could learn a lot from him."   

The creators of the show have also said that the dragon that looks like Dick Cheney was also a coincidence.

The writer of Game of thrones George RR Martin looking like a Santa pedo that sails a boat is no coincidence. Everyone will be trying to get that look and soon.  

B And D List Hollywood At War!

Stephen Baldwin was slapped doon like a bitch when he took Kevin Costner to court over shares in water cleaning machines owned by Ocean Therapy Solutions that separate spilled BP oil from pure Gulf of Mexico water. Baldwin sold his shares claiming not to know about a  $52 million dollar deal with BP and that Costner suggested he sell and lied about the deal. 

The jury took 2 hours to agree with Costner that Baldwin knew about the deal but cashed out early and that he was a complete loser with a Hannah Montana tattoo . 

Where is yer God now Stephen Baldwin?

You can trust me I'm kevin Costner and not some smarmy shite with a mid life crisis soul patch.

Old Knudsen trusted Kev when he sold his shares in a Costner developed device called 'The bodyguard' it is forearm armour with taser, flashlight, laser guided camera, bottle opener, pliers, stir stick, radio, cold water and hot drinks dispenser the device ia also PS3 compatible.  So what if its won awards and has just gone through testing for a big police contract, Old Knudsen sees no future in it ..... Robin Hood wouldn't lie.

      

Ur-gent Urges

Americans are a weak lot! give them some bath salts and they go all crazy eating hobo's faces and showing their cocks in parks, Old Knudsen may strip off and try to strangle people in the street but thats normal stuff.
Its Saturday so Old Knudsen free-based a whole box of Radox and though the eucalyptus helped his sinuses a fair bit the only urge he got was to watch Sandra Bullock movies.

Old Knudsen can't help but fall in love with her every film he watches..... which admittedly does lead to other urges.

Sexy Beach Babes

Not everyone can walk out the sea like Ursula Andress.

Or even like the beautiful Halle Berry.

Salma Hayek does everything perfectly though, the woman she looks sexy while she pinches off a loaf .

She even made having a uni-brow sexy.

Take a good look, trust me on this.

Winston Churchill walked out of the sea in a Daniel Craig Casino Royale kind of way with his junk swinging freely , now tell the truth did you expect to see Winston Churchill's junk today? isn't life just so unpredictable?

Old Knudsen wouldn't be surprised to find 'Winston Churchill's junk' high up on his blog search stats, you lot are right dirty fcukers.  

You Gotta Know When To Hold Em

 

On news that doesn't really interest anyone or have any real relevance in the world but is stupid. 

Martin McGuinness the deputy First Minister of Northern Ireland, the Sinn Fein politician and former senior commander in the IRA has decided he will refuse to meet the Queen when she travels to Northern Ireland later this month.


It was a real will they won't they kind of thing worse than Mulder and Scully for fcuks sake. McGuinness who ran to becum Ireland's president but failed and was told to fcuk off by the Irish people has decided to make a moral stand.


All because he wasn't told about a party ............ sorry dopey did we not tell you we were having a party in the parliament building for the Queen? You can attend if ya want, Oh gonna sulk now?


Who gives a fcuk if you meet with the Queen or not? it shows what a dick you are if you don't, she pays yer wages and shes professional enough to meet you.

Remember all those death threats you made against the royal family during the Troubles? I bet she does but still she'll stand there and shake yer hand... she may be inbred but she has class.


The former president of Ireland Mary McAleese has already met the Queen in Dublin, thats the major lets make up meeting. It was the first visit by a British monarch in nearly 100 years. Sinn Fein said the trip was premature......... ya know why? because Sinn Fein wanted the opportunity for a first meeting so they could refuse to meet her .......... away and fcuk ya childish terrorist mouth pieces.   

Martin McGuinness is also the drummer for ZZ Top you'd think he'd jump at the chance to play a gig in front of the Queen.




Guess what fcuk face McGuinness the Queen didn't really want to meet with you anyway so there . 

Baby Stem Cells Taste Like Chicken

On day two of her Jubilee tour the Queen stopped by the Lister maternity hospital to grab a snack for the road.
The Queen was on her own as Prince Philip who is actually now a zombie has been chained up inside Buckingham palace undergoing training to stop him from biting otherwise he will have to be put doon. A difficult thing for a Queen to do is have her consort euthanised, Queen Victoria having been the last royal monarch to decide that as a fate for zombie Prince Albert. 

The Queen asked for some Chinese to take back to the Prince but all they had was Korean, "Not like he'll be able to tell the difference" chuckled her majesty referring to Prince Philip's now legendary 'slitty eyes' gaffe and that was before he lost all reason to the zombie virus.

A Royal Sucker

Camilla The Duchess of Cornwall showed what a Jubilee patriot she was in central London today with a quickly painted yet elegant sign . 
Always ready to show the Queen she has what it takes to a royal she sucked off 60 paying clients for every year Queen Elizabeth # II has ruled for. The money went to Great Ormond Street Children's Hospital.  

Old Knudsen who loves charity especially ones for sprogs went twice.

Royal Mail Doesn't Do Rain

 
Has Old Knudsen said that the English are soft as shite and just as intelligent in the last 3 days? Well maybe he thought it was so obvious he didn't need to say it.

In Yorkshire where men are men and the sheep are nervous the Royal mail has drawn a line in the rich soggy earth, "We won't deliver yer mail on wet days so there" yep the nation that while others shook in fear, fended off  the merciless bombings of Hitler doesn't do rainy days.  A postie slipped on some algae and moss on the pavement and broke his shoulder ......... I hope he didn't hurt his vagina.

Ya know what? maybe it would have been better if Old Knudsen had let Hitler live because then Britain might actually be um whats the word oh efficient, you'd get yer mail on time, people would work hard none of this tea break every 5 minutes shite things would no longer be done on loser standard time. Oh sure there wouldn't be any humour and jokes about how we win wars etc instead you'd have jokes like.

Meine Sphinx has no nose.


Your Sphinx has no nose then how does it smell ?


Like ze ancient sands of the Sahara.

 Ya ya das ist gute!

In order to speak the horrendous German language you must first sacrifice imagination,  humour and any ounce of charm you may have............. but we'd get our mail and people might actually know their jobs.

So back to big brave I have fallen and I cannot get up south Yorkshire, if its too wet then the customers have to risk breaking their shoulders and have to go get their mail at the main sorting office.

Royal Mail spokeswoman Morag Turnbull said the safety of staff was paramount.  She did not say that the customers can go fuck off we is the mail, the only game in toon and she also didn't say we have to pay this useless fucker that fell a big wad of money and so the safety of staff was paramount.

She did add:

"Royal Mail delivers to almost 29 million addresses across the UK and so it is always a last resort if we decide not to deliver to a specific address or addresses."

Not true, they are never specific about the addresses they deliver to. Old Knudsen knows a lot about the fiances of his neighbours thanks to the Royal mail.

So mail services in south Yorkshire is doon to 3 days a year then it seems.

Luckily Brits are used to waiting for mail getting delivered. 

As well as learning from the pushy fat Germans we may also be able to learn from the pushy fat Americans. The US mail carriers are a tough breed scuttling about in their wee white boxes that can turn on a dime. They care so much about their customers that not only will they slow doon before they hit them for straying off the kirb but if so and so doon the road doesn't get any mail they will shove a handful of ads and leaflets into their mailbox so they feel loved.


Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.

Ya hear that Yorkshire? of course being America you have to read the fine print.

Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
Does not apply to nice sunny days or days before or after a national holiday or any celebration when the mail carrier has complete discretion whether or not your mail shall reach our home or someone elses, terms and conditions may apply subject to apathy.