Monday, 15 January 2018

50 Ways To Kill Your Lover

A shiny new upgrade

You just slip one in the back Jack, make a new plan, Stan, you don't need to be coy, Roy, just get yourself free .... from prison as you'll be the main suspect. 

There might not be exactly 50 as Old Knudsen is a stable boy genius with all the best werds but numbers get fuzzy. 

This post is inspired by the story of Jeff and Agnes. Poor Jeff was born with a 666 birthmark on his head and his rabid avid Pentecostal wife found it. Plot twist, it was really an upside 999. 

Jeff was a dead on bloke, he never smoked in a church, he did vape outside a community hall once but he was gagging for it as he was taking an 'Old People Using The Internet' class inside. The first day is the most difficult as that 'on' button could be anywhere. 

Agnes bought the Daggers of Megiddo off Amazon and Jeff is lucky to be a live. His father is a lawyer which is unlucky for Agnes but you could see how she'd make that mistake. Nothing more evil than an lawyer.  

It's mostly women that post statistics and they'd like you to believe that we men are the main perpetrators of rape, violence and murder against women. FAKE NEWS!!!!  Lern yer Bible. When Mary wanted to go to the last supper Jesus did say, "Bros before ho's" and weemen haven't gotten over that. 
Like if you use their best cutlery knife as a screwdriver .... What the fuck? Lighten up bitch and make me a sandwich! ... ach please mom I didn't mean it.    

No one respects weemen as much as Old Knudsen does. He watches The Handmaid's Tale and has a large collection of vintage fleshlights. 

This post is about any lover, partner or spouse of any gender ... but watch out for those weemen. #MeToo was fine but #TimesUp is a tad scary.  

The first sign you may be in danger is them reading this post with the hopes of some elaborate plan for murder or for framing you. 

When your partner buys anti-freeze in bulk and it's summer. There was a story of a woman putting anti-freeze into her husband's food. It shut down his kidneys and left him blind and mostly deaf. The wife bragged to a neighbor that it wasn't found in his system at the hospital and hey, do you know any hitmen? 

Asking people if they know hitmen tends to throw up red flags, especially at the checkout at Tesco'd think Tesco workers would be more discreet but no. 

Good for chopping

 It's admirable that your partner bought an axe to ensure you have enough wood for the winter. Look up from yer screens and see if you notice things like radiators or electric heaters in yer house as all may not be what it seems. Why do we get an oil delivery every month? .... ach I'm just being paranoid. 

Don't get on like a spy and your partner won't try to do their patriotic duty. Don't send coded messages on secret radios, don't meet with ex-KGB agents to discuss Magnitsky Act adoptions and certainly don't have a foreign European accent.  British is ok as we are the good guys and not really scumbag Europeans.    

Americans have to be careful as all that Russians want to do these days is have secret meetings with them. 

Old Knudsen does not condom condone cheating but seriously dude it's called a stench trench for a reason and yer partner will notice it.  Have a spray bottle filled with diluted roadkill and spray yer cock before going back home. It MIGHT mask the minge scent. 

If yer partner has a whetstone on their bedside table and you hear scrapping noises at night then invest in a stab vest. Like everything else you can buy them off Amazon. Small children, you can't buy them on Amazon by the way. 

Taking your partner out to a secluded place to practice with yer gun. I didn't know you had a gun, why are the numbers scored off? 

You go to use yer home step ladders and the sticker warning you not to wear high heels or stand on the top rung is missing. 

Your wife becomes your agent and you seem to keep getting roles in which you die. Our subconscious minds often give us away in real life. 

The Fugitive did a lot of harm to people that only have one arm. If you are going to say someone else did it then don't be a dick and don't pick on minorities. 

Bleaching your hair and driving to Mexico or taking out large insurance policies can get you caught. If your partner wants you to sign a policy payable on your death don't fall for their 'you are always so paranoid you need help' ploy . 

If your swarthy partner has bought you a cowboy hat and I heart the US t-shirt and is planning a holiday in the Middle east then be on alert. 

When you happen to stumble onto your partner's Internet accounts don't check the browser history, you might find out way worse stuff than them just trying to kill you. 

Well that's about 50. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time... Robert Blake is sick of hearing that. He was amazingly found not guilty for killing his wife or hiring someone to do it but his kids sued him for $30 million so Ka-Chow! 

OJ was also innocent too. 

Wednesday, 10 January 2018

Why Hasn't Old Knusen Blogged?

Firstly you fucktards isn't all about you. If you had listened to Old Knudsen Russia and China wouldn't be on the verge of destroying western civilization, the UK wouldn't be left holding its dick as no one wants to trade with it, there would be a sexy lady in the White House and Old Knudsen would probably get a pardon from her about that tax and child trafficking mix up thing.

 Also Anna Faris and Chris Pratt would still be together .... why the fuck do I bother if you don't listen?

Old Knudsen went to Israel and said, 'look you cunts just get along with the Palestinian cunts and stop trying to kill each other.' Gift baskets were exchanged and apologies made and then Trump had to go and talk about moving the US embassy to Jerusalem.

The place is a shit hole, no wonder Jesus went to France after the whole fake crucifixion farce.

As a response a TV show called Knightfall came out making the Templars look like good guys who only really wanted to help the Jews .... Popular culture often compliments real life but it's a shite show so fuck em.

Enable Christian pseudo Nazis and just forget about the genocide. No one will know their history cos they took down all the Templar statues.

I told you not to trust the likes of Kelly but the Libtards wanted a hero... Marines! 

I've also been helping North Koreans defect to the south but it's hard to run from the border patrols with a 10 foot tape worm hanging out yer arse. Trust me, when the tape worm diet came out in the 70's I was into it. Now you have hipster tapeworms that don't eat gluten.

Plot twist: people drank from jars because you could seal them up again and they were too poor to buy glasses. Modern folk are idiots,

China makes up 80% of North Korea's trade and so sanctions .... I told Trump they wouldn't work, he has no clout with the chinks. Just because Ivanka has a few sweat shops there.

The Chinese now have the water ways and roads across Asia. You'd better lern to speak ting tong ting pretty soon people.

One half of the US being hit by a cold weather bomb and the other side hot as fuck. Scientists have come up with a plan to combat climate change. Just build more Rocky mountains but smaller so the weather isn't so extreme .... it's science bitches.

Queen Elizabeth II can barely speak English ... FACT!

In a bid to prevent WWIII Prince Harry will be marrying Angela Merkel.  The Germans claim they only want breathing room but I think we know how this turns out.

The world is in a sorry state but ISIS are being destroyed .... well they'll be destroyed the same way the IRA were destroyed. A few lame attacks now and then.  As usual you have more chance of being killed by an American civilian than an ISIS terrorist.

RIP Heff!

Celeb deaths have been pretty blah. How can you top David Bowie dying? Yeah Tom Petty had a few good songs but he was no Bowie. Kirk Douglas is almost 400 and still alive, he loves those stem cells. This will not be Shatner's year though. Old Knudsen would wear black for the rest of his life if that ever happened.

Turns out that 9/10 women have been sexually assaulted and 9/10 men are sexual predators. Who were the weemen Old Knudsen missed out? .... probably ugly.

If you smiled more you'd be a lot more pretty .... Old Knudsen giving out a taste of his game for all you virgins and losers that cannae get their hole.

I'd respect the hell out if that

Anyways we have to start respecting each other more.  Nothing says respect like keeping quiet about sexual harassment. Now when I see a Dustin Hoffman movie or Kevin Spacey I think, 'what a creep' ... but if it's a good movie I'll say 'yeah you probably asked for it' shut up the what's in the box scene is coming up.

Tone down the over acting Brad it's only Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head and she's a dick. She is now engaged to Brad Falchuk because during her 13 years with Chris Martin from the group Coldgay she kept calling him Brad by mistake which lead to some friction so marrying another Brad makes sense.

She doesn't cope with change very well.

New Year's eve Old Knudsen was a mile away up a hill with a high powered rifle waiting to take the shot. I can't say much but he was a high profile Yemeni target whose militia was interfering with the secret Saudi shit going on there ... anyways it was for yer freedom and yer welcome.  Happy new year mother funker, yeah that sure surprised his wife and kids but me diaper was full and me rations were low I couldn't wait any longer but hey, wouldn't you ride the fuck out of yon new Timelord?

Not the pussy in the blue box

Just don't let the lass push any buttons or she'll go directly for the fall out of the Tardis button, weemen huh? Ya can't make sandwiches falling through the air.

So I was going to write a book just piecing together all the rumours about Trump but someone beat me to it.  It'll annoy him to buy it so go ahead and do so.

Old Knudsen is still alive and thinking that 2018 will be his best year ever. Not for blogging as me rash has cleared up and the ladies are calling. Taylor Swift has been gagging for some Knudsen cock but I get the feeling she is just after a bitter break up song to help her career.