Tuesday, 24 October 2017

The Casting Couch

30 years ago which only seems like yesterday, Old Knudsen was an aspiring actor, a vast untapped source of talent waiting to be ejaculated onto the world.

He had ambition and drive. He was skilled in song and dance, knew how to take a fall and throw a convincing punch. Years of stage work at the Old Vic in London set him up with much sought after experience.

His Hamlet at the park was the talk of the town ... not the Park Theatre it was just a park and it was mostly screaming and calling for the police than talk. Well Polonius was asking for it, who the fuck hides behind tapestry's?

Anyways I didn't use a real sword in the park just a pork sword. Allegedly cos I remember nothing.

Even lil Kim has had to audition 

After being blackballed growing tired of the stage I looked to Hollywood for a TV or movie role. Old Knudsen is naturally buff so perhaps a Lethal Weapon or Die Hard type of role. I can do drama nae probs, you want me to cry? ... an old acting trick, you get an onion and .... oh you've heard it, yeah you shove it roughly up yer arse without lube, if you have any anal fissures that'll sting and you'll be crying for yer mammy and getting that Oscar.
So I sent my picture around and didn't get any replies then a friend put me in touch with a producer who I'll refer to as Harry Wankstain to protect his identity.

He said I was very pretty but wanted to see more. I knew where this was going so I told him that I had to go. He said I'd never work in that town if I walked out so I sucked his dick, licked his hole and let him cum all over my potted plant.

Some dodgy roles out there you have to be careful. 

The next week I was lucky enough to get a call from a director who I'll call James Twobuck. He got me to say some lines which sounded like they were from a family drama, 'oh daddy you are so big and strong and you know I've been very very naughty'  .... hey it was better than Hamlet, that lad is well fucked up, him and his Oedipus Complex, fucken Danish weirdo.

Twobuck came all over me potted plant, I guess that's a Hollywood thing or something ... Americans huh.

So Old Knudsen spent a year sucking off and flanging the Hollywood elite just check their couches for my DNA it's like radiation, that stuff has a shelf life of a thousand years hence all the unexplained pregnancies and clap outbreaks. Old Knudsen's short are a bio hazard. Now there's a line you'll see in my obituary some day. 

There will always be a prettier face though or someone great at accents like Connery or Neeson.

When you see actors like Ben Affleck or Bradley Cooper you certainly know those two didn't get their stardom from their acting ability. What depraved act did they do that Old Knudsen didn't?

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