Wednesday, 27 September 2017

Trump Trek

You know what they say about the size of your phaser cannon, so not an issue for me.

In the near future the Earth asks for its best and brightest to be put into cryogenic sleep to be awoken in the future. While some saw this as a trap set by the Democrats Trump shoved them aside and pointed out that he was obviously the best and the brightest as the rest of humanity were slobs and losers. 

President Trump awakes in the 23rd century. No historical records exist about him but his name plaque says '45th President' so they make him a Captain in Starfleet and give him his own command... The USS Clinton.  

A Captain has to look good in case any green broads beam in so you have to pick your space hair carefully. I'm already so good looking that it's very difficult to go wrong. I don't like this picture by the way as my auxiliary chin looks like a scrotum. Sad! 

When you are a Captain they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab 'em by the tribble. You can do anything. My crew, beautiful ladies in short skirts love it when I rage snog them. Spock is the only number 1 on board as I don't let anything less than a good 8 serve me. 

There used to be Yeomen on board but on a ship with few restrooms I had to stop them from serving. You don't want a yeoman sharing a restroom with your child am I right? Only guys and dames serve on my ship now.  

I'm not a racist I would so date Uhura, a beautiful beautiful girl. I would only bang her up the Kobayashi Maru though as we don't want a mixing of the genes ... nothing to do with racism though. 

I will make this parallel universe great again

Remember when I switched places with a Trump from a parallel universe? They plotted against each other, tortured prisoners and all had those creepy goatee beards like Gorka had but there were some very fine people there.
 No one noticed that I had been replaced with an evil double for weeks, they couldn't tell the difference, what losers. 

Let the Pliss flow

I still don't drink alcohol it slows down my ninja like reflexes too much. They have this wonder drink called Pliss, you can also wash and bathe in its golden goodness. Many planets have their own brands of Pliss. I like the taste of Pliss on Uranus. Tremendous aroma! 

I do get to wear my medals for neatness which looks impressive, everyone says so. 

Starfleet is all about the work work work. Worse than the White House. I do at least 3 hours a week so I can hardly fit in my any of my shows or several rounds of space golf. 

Having a starship means that I can go anywhere. We replace dilithium crystals more than any other starship but since they are beyond the concept of money in the 23rd century they can hardly complain. I'm still a billionaire though, so wealthy you wouldn't believe it. 

Since we don't use money telling the other planets to pay their fair share to the Federation didn't really go down very well. 

I got to meet the Klingons who probably have great respect for me because I'm a Captain. They appreciated that I shouted like a warrior rather than talked but their women, just look at that face, like Ted Cruz's wife. 

Kirk was weak on space policy but I say why not be friends with the Klingons and the Romulans? It's the Vulcans you have to watch out for. 

I tried to log onto the ship's computer manually as it couldn't understand any of my voice commands, not very advanced! I started to use a touchy screen and then it said, 'are you sure you want a warp core breach yes or no' ... I'm a can do positive person everybody knows this so I hit yes. Luckily Scotty my engineer from England fixed it.
 I fired 3 crewmen for letting me near the screen, what losers! They didn't understand what fired meant, it seems they don't have that in their socialist futuristic glee club either. 

In the 23rd century the media is still fake. They still deal in lies and are not at all interested in my facts of truth and amazement. 

In space no one can hear you scream, FAKE NEWS! I transported a crew member into the bulkhead and he screamed like a little bitch for hours until he died, ruined the finish of the metal.Terrible! 

The USS Clinton ... soon to be renamed is the largest in the fleet and more people and illegal aliens watched her maiden voyage than any other ship. It can also go way faster than warp 9.9 everybody says so. 

The future is safe with Captain Trump at the helm, my phaser is always set to rape stun ... believe me. 

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