Wednesday, 24 May 2017

Trump's Trip Is So Real

Melania was up in Trump Tower, she had just finished breast feeding Barron again when she got the news that she was going on her estranged husband's first foreign visit.

Not happy with the news she had the staffer that delivered the bad tidings thrown out the Moon door or 'made to fly' as Barron likes to say. Melnia doesn't like to leave Trump Tower nor does she like to spend time with Donald.

Mr Trump was very excited that he called a press gaggle on Air Force One to talk about the trip. Fox News, Breitbart News, Stormfront, Nazi News Weekly, Kremlin News and the blog A Busy Mom all waited patiently. 
Other news outlets must have lost their invites or something. 

He said it would be the best trip EVER, better than any other President has done. He'll visit the Middle East AND also Israel . Then he'd go to the Vatican for some decorating tips. No one has ever gone on such a trip.

He gave a teaser of the speech he'll give to all these places, "Islamist Islamic terrorists must be driven out, Iran is bad, nobody likes Iran they fund terrorists and sponsor run runners. Sad! "

He'll make a few changes depending on who he is giving the speech too, ya know, to keep it fresh. 

After his round of applause from the press he added: 

"I bring a new, fresh pair of eyes to these problems. No one has ever suggested that ISIS or Al-Qaeda should be attacked and made to leave ... no one in the history of humanity has ever said this."  

With 50 of his favorite peeps and more following he took to the skies. 

 Is that Comey? What a nut job

Over the Atlanta Trump had some agitation, he went without sleep cos he was too excited and was hopped up on sugar.

"Is anyone else seeing this, the guy outside the window ... no? I took my meds today I took them twice just in case I had forgotten the first time though I never forget anything, where are we going to? ... sit on my lap Ivanka and tell daddy what you want for Christmas."

Upon landing they were presented with bouquets of Kale. Trump was heard asking 'what the fuck is this?' before handing it to a staffer.  The Saudis did a Google search on what white people like and kale was number two, he was also given a nice woolly cardigan which is obviously number one.

Buttons, not zippers! .... this isn't the fucken future for fucks sake, what am I Buck Rodgers?

Later on he gave a speech about how the world would be better if not for crooked dishonest Iran ... lock it up! He was given some bling and named the Lion of the desert.

On condition that Syria, Yemen and possibly Iran get bombed as that is what a true lion would do ... or are you a turtle? A liddle scared turtle that can't bomb anyone.

While Trump was away Yemen did indeed get attacked killing 7 militants ... the military just didn't bother to mention if any civilian causalities died. You can't get upset if you don't know all the facts.

Then the traditional awkward silence while the Saudi First lady was .... um making the tea and kale sandwiches maybe?  To put Saudi women in their place the men always steal the best tea towels. Tillerson won the staring contest he was having by the way.

Melania went and did gurly stuff while the men told pussy jokes and waved swords. She spoke about how Saudi is a great place for empowering its women. Those two in black look empowered as fuck. Totally their choice to be ninjas.

Ivanka got Saudi Arabia to invest $100 million to her female empowerment fund. That will go towards makeup and new shoes for all the empowered ladies.  

The other women nodded and smiled and said, "we are very very happy please tell them we were good."  

Saudi Arabia is becoming very modern and progressive. Nowadays women can have up to 3 independent thoughts (within reason) a day without getting a man's permission. While not allowed to drive they have full freedom to travel with the proper permits and male supervision between certain hours of the day.   

Later Melania was allowed to watch from a respectful distance as Donald touched the orb of Arazeelon and pledged to destroy civilization and usher in a new era of greed and treachery.  

Trump signed a $110 billion arms deal and to get $350 bn over the next 10 years. David Cameron did a  £5.6bn deal in 2016 and Theresa May gave the go ahead for £3.3 billion in military sales at the end of last year but the Saudis say our stuff is shite and they want to look like John Wayne when they fight. 

The introduction of fracking to the world has changed the oil business so I guess weapons and war are the new product as Saudi Arabia doesn't have the hold and power it used to have. Nice to know they intend to be fighting over the next 10 years. 

In my day we expected to destroy the enemy by Christmas and not Christmas in 10 years time. No one fights to win anymore, they fight to supply products. 

Like Monsanto you buy the special seeds then the special feed then the special pesticide. US weapon systems are designed to be used only with US equipment. 

Also since Nam the smaller 5.56mm round have been used and is used now throughout NATO . The more powerful 7.62 rounds that most nations have stopped using may have been more lethal but now you have soldiers able to carry and use twice as many bullets. 
Killing an enemy with one bullet is bad for business, you kill them using lots of bullets or wound them and so have to give expensive medical care ... unless you are a Royal Marine cos then you kill captured wounded fighters.  

In 2011 the US were using so many bullets in Iraq and Afghanistan that they were running out and had to buy them off Israel ... remember that the US gives Israel billions each year in order to survive as a state so it's a big circle of consumerism life/death.      

Touching down in Israel the happy couple almost held hands. Donald saw Benjamin Netanyahu walking beside and holding hands with his wife so he reached behind him (Melania's place is 2 feet behind him) but Melania panicked and must have thought his hand was a tiny flapping mosquito and she swatted it away.

Trump gave his 'Iran is bad' speech and mistaking a conversation he was having in his head with a real one he blurted out that he didn't say Israel to the Russians as reported in the media ... except they didn't report that.

It's like those movies when the suspect says, "how could I have got to the far end of town, strangled her and got back before 10?"   and the cop says, "no one said she had been strangled."

Donald needed a time out and so went to the Western Wall. It's probably the only wall he'll be near to during his short presidency. He made history being the first President to visit the wall, all the others did the rounds as candidates or private citizens.

Being Jewish, in fact he's the most Jewish person ever apart from maybe Hitler he wrote his prayer on the back of his Electoral map making sure to mention the 140 million at his Inauguration.

Melania who was also very Jewish that day said a prayer. She was heard quietly chanting,  'God please make him die, please make him die' it isn't known who she meant, perhaps the leader of ISIS?

Flight risk Jared Kushner has been named as a 'person of interest' by the FBI over the Russia investigation. He refused to comment on this though Ivanka told media that Jared being an interesting person was one of the things she found attractive about him.

As the sun went down an old hag was seen at the wall cackling with glee. We don't know what she was doing there, probably witchcraft.

Some how Trump's prayer was leaked onto the Internet.

'Dear baby Jesus king of these Jews. Flynn is innocent but could you give him a heart attack. Also Melania as it would look bad if I divorced her. Can you make the dishonest media like me and stop asking me questions. Make the American people obey and see that being owned by Russia is good for them if they don't struggle. Thanks for all the money, could always do with more. Terrific! ... almend'   

Thumb war in 3-2-1 

Trump then went to Bethlehem in the West bank to talk with Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas. He told him Iran was bad and Islamist Islamic terrorists were evil losers, he didn't want to call them 'monsters' as they might like that. They were evil losers LOSERS most bogus losers dude. 

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