Tuesday, 16 May 2017

Are The Nukes Safe From Malware?

Any computer running Windows XP after April 8, 2014 should not be considered protected as there will be no security updates for the Windows XP operating system.

2014, well that was years ago and I'm sure the only people on Windows XP now are people on old computers who don't like change.

Luckily we didn't just have the largest ransomware cyber-attack in observed in history huh.

Oh that's right we did. 47 NHS trusts in England and 13 in Scotland were hit. Surgeries and procedures cancelled as machines such as MRI and CT scanners use old software. There was a slight spike in deaths but luckily it was mostly old and unemployed people ... some foreigners too but they aren't technically human and so don't count. 

Get a room for fucks sake ... of course you can claim it on expenses yer the PM.

In 2015 the then home Secretary Theresa May, not sure if you've heard of her didn't renew the contract with Microsoft which saved us £5.5 million. She also switched to single ply toilet paper too in all the hospitals and took TV's out of the terminal wards cos why would they need a TV? Game of Thrones? You'll not make it to the next season so don't worry about it.    

Back then she was a penny pinching austerity witch and not into anything strong and stable except her husband Philips average sized throbbing cock. I'm sure the days of fucking up like that and with immigration and police cuts are a thing of the past.

 Do you even proxy server bro?

The Tories now have an I.T. guy named Colin and he's under 30 so knows that Internet doesn't come in a box. He'll take a wire brush to all the browsers and have them working in no time. 

Remember when the Tories spent £1 million on iPads for all their politicians and the Conservative MP Nigel Mills was caught playing Candy Crush on his for two and a half hours during a parliamentary committee? ... well luckily I do. Money well spent.

Remember last month when Parliament was suspended for 2 hours while the MP's took the opportunity to capture a Squirtle? Well ok that might not have happened ... aye it was a fucken Charmander, gotta catch them all, it's in the Bible.    

 Yes I have tried turning it on and off again.

While the media and government are rightly getting in a tizzy about NHS hospitals and worrying about further attacks there is one thing you won't hear about cos of national security. 

Luckily Old Knudsen signed a fake name when he signed the official secrets act .  

HMS Vanguard, Victorious, Vigilant, and Vengeance are the submarines bravely patrolling the UK looking out for sneaky Russians and refugee boats to sink. Each of these nuclear-powered submarines have up to eight Trident II missiles and a total of 40 nuclear warheads. 

They could fuck up most cuntries in Europe with that. I mean proper fucked, France would be a car park. They also carry Spearfish torpedoes to fight other subs or just to blow shit up with.  

They all operate on Windows XP, in fact their version says 'Windows for Submarines' in case you forget yer on a sub I suppose ... just look out the window.

Remember in July 2016 when Theresa May covered up a Trident missile failure just before a debate on renewing Trident? Ach don't worry that was in the past, now she's all business, professional and honest ... nowadays. 

We all have things in our past we aren't proud of like sewing puppies and kittens together for fun and stealing candy from fat children. 

Does the public really need to know that a missile was fired in the wrong direction?  I'm sure if it was a real strike some of the missiles might hit some of the enemy .... hopefully. 

If we ever use Trident it won't be to win, it'll be in retaliation cos we'll be fucked by then. There is no winning in nuclear warfare and Russia and China have way more nukes than us. 

 HMS Vigilant ... has crashed, do you want to send a report?

Britannia rules the waves ... this was the same cuntry that thinks it's all that and so voted to leave the EU. Luckily the Americans are way more technically advanced than us.

That was a lie. America uses Windows XP on all their Navy ships and missile systems, even the army still has a lot of XP devices. The difference being that the US has a $9.1 million a year contract with Microsoft to support their systems. 

Old Knudsen contacted the Royal Navy for some reassurance as he just doesn't trust those Navy pukes. A spokesman said: 

"Don't worry Mr Knudsen we are all very highly trained in computery stuff and hackers can't hack through water, it's scientifically impossible. Also we have notifications turned on so if something did happen a box would pop up and ask something like 'are you sure you want to delete this country?' so don't worry, the navy is strong and stable."

Well that's good I suppose.

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