Monday, 30 January 2017

One Direction Got Aids From Koala Gangbang

A little known incident in the world of pop was the big koala gangbang of 2012. Yeah ok you got me, these are "Alternative Facts" and this is FAKE NEWS! .... they actually caught the clap from a hooker koala in Brisbane .... New Zealand. 

I'm getting some tonight 

Harry Styles who is a walking STD didn't see what the big problem was but the others weren't too happy. Liam already had genital warts so this came at a bad time for him. It thought that Zayn left the group as he was fed up with catching crabs every time he shared a dressing room with Styles. 

When Justin Bieber needed a shoulder to cry on during his breakup with Selina Gomez he turned to Styles. Bieber did many early morning walks of shame from Harry's London home. It has been suggested by experts that Bieber's emotional melt downs on stage and erratic behavior is due to untreated syphilis.   

Styles is thought to have contracted syphilis in 2013 after a visit to a heavy petting zoo. 

During a trip to Australia in 2012 One Direction posed for photos with a frightened but cute koala bear. 98% of animals in Australia can kill you and koala's are no exception. In the late 20's Old Knudsen himself was mauled and left for dead by a rogue koala. I believe Leo DiCaprio made a movie based on it but changed a few facts to make it less horrifying for audiences. 

Koala bears all carry the STD chlamydia. It is thought that the bear was scared by the unwanted attention that Styles was giving it and it pissed over him like a Russian hooker. 

But honey I'd never cheat on you, I must have caught chlamydia from the Eucalyptus oil in my Vicks Vapour rub that was contaminated by a koala, have a rose to prove I'm telling the truth. Does your fat ass want some chocolate too? Women love that right?   

Who hasn't used the Vicks Vapour rub excuse? Chlamydia causes clams to grow on yer genitals, sometimes up to 60 of them. The only way to get rid of chlamydia is to immerse yerself in salt water and when the clams open to remove them by hand. 

Old Knudsen made his second fortune from pearls found in his genital molluscs. He spent it on drugs, drink, hookers, fast cars and wasted the rest. 

Before glue sniffing was a thing we poor kids used to get bird poop in a bag and get high huffing that. Yet another way to get chlamydia. It's like mother nature doesn't want us to have any fun. 

Animal lovers

Before you use this excuse when caught by yer spouse or partner after a routine test you must remember that it won't be the same strain as the sexually transmitted one. 

Might old Knudsen suggest claiming to have been sexually assaulted by some animal and you were too ashamed to talk about it, male pride and all. Weemen are suckers for more understanding about vulnerability and may even thank you for opening up to them.   Or use the old I sat on a toilet seat after Harry Styles did.  

Any teenage hate mail for this post should be sent to 

No animals were harmed during the making of this post as they were all asking for it.


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