I just cleaned out a nest of vamps north of Charleston when I got the call. J texted me that my cuntry needed me in Monte Carlo to stop a top secret organisation that only the Illuminati knew about called Spectre.
I got into my 1953 Aston Martin silver stingray viper limited edition and sighed a weary sigh. I felt drained, literally. After the last vamp nest in which the stakes I bought off Amazon that turned out to be formica went terrible wrong I chose to use biological weapons this time.
I worked in a Kindergarten for a week and got the man-flu from those wee germ factories. When they start requiring background checks to buy guns and to work with children I'll be snookered, until then I shall exploit the apathy of the law.
I let the vamps feed off me and watched as the man-flu instantly ravaged their bodies, turning them to dust. Luckily Old Knudsen is tough because man-flu is far worse than baby pains, trust me on that.
I took off down the road at speed and needed to blast out some rock music to wake me up. I almost hit the ejaculation button, that could have been messy. I don't know what the boffins put into that goop but when it sprays out it incapacitates you in a sticky mess, they shouldn't put that button so close to the radio.
I sped off into the night, it was a long drive to Monte Carlo.
Leave no one alive maybe scratch at his hives for his unseasonal allergies of justice and pain.
The self destructing mannnnnnn, he'll do what he cannnnnnnn, cos he's the mannnnnnn, this song is so lonnnnnggggggg, oh so lonnnnnggggggg.
He'll kill you with his donnnnnggggggg ..... everyone wants his donnnnnggggggg.
The man with the cap and a blog, he'll fuck your dogggggg. Blah blah blah blah, when will the fucking movie start? Will there be anything newwww? Maybe sex with a stewwww, Irish stewwww.
While the rest of the UK is hit with austerity the 005 program's spending goes up, like the cost of keeping the royal family keeps going up. I slipped into my expensive tux and grabbed a few grand from my car's on board ATM.
Monte Carlo wasn't very busy, in fact all of Vegas was feeling the pinch. The Riviera had closed, things were tough. I wondered why J sent me here, the last I heard was about a deal going down in Monaco, ah well here I was, I shall trust that J knows his job.
Being a spy I'm trained to blend in and to be quite unremarkable that people barely even register me. "Ah Mister Knudsen!" proclaimed a chubby balding man, the manager I think, "It's great to see you again, I hope you'll be keeping your clothes on you tonight" he laughed nervously so I told him to fuck off ... as I do.
I ordered a drink at the bar, "Crème de menthe, shaken not stirred, and make it dirty" after the bar tender shook and spat into my drink I surveyed the room, taking note of all exits and potential threats including a wet floor that didn't have a caution cone on it and a fire door that was propped open.
A slender woman passed by, I called out to her that she had a nice rack .... she was carrying a chip rack. She was a teller about to begin her shift so I played a few hands of snap at her table then I pumped her for information.
The shelves of the janitor's supply room rattled as I pumped her for info, her cat (Mr Pickles) had just died that week and she had broken up with her fiancee (Paul) who was cheating on her and she had slight discomfort while peeing .... not the info I was after. I shot my load making that double 'O' face that millions of men, weemen and domestic pets had seen ... ask yer Ma about it.
She took it well .... took the bad news well too. Didn't get my cuppa though.
I walked back onto the gaming floor and then I saw him.
Phill Spector! I thought he was in prison for killing blondes. It seems they let him out for good behaviour as he hadn't killed anybody while incarerated, they also took into account his werk in the music industry and his invention of the wall of sound that took 3 years off World war 2.
What was he doing in Monte Carlo? ..... Maybe he was creating a wall of death!
I sat opposite Spector and played a few hands, he was getting annoyed by my skill at cards and when I shouted things like, "yay, I love those aces" and "what do you get when all yer cards are pictures?"
He took his chips and went to the roulette wheel with his young blonde female companion. He said 13 black. Racist fucker, roulette is all about reds and blacks and who you put yer balls on, I prefer bingo. I saddled up beside them and nuzzled his lady friend's neck, "I'm a secret agent, meet me at the toilets for some quick rough sex" ... she gasped and then said, "I think I love you, be careful" before heading off towards the bogs.
Spector was furious, he called over his henchmen to beat me up while he went and shot his blonde friend.
They were tough but I was kicked out of a fight club once for being too aggressive, and for talking about it. Leaving the thugs on the floor covered in blood as they tried to breathe through their broken faces I ran towards the restrooms. Too late, I heard a shot, followed by another and another.
I got there to see Specter standing over his blonde friend, I also saw the body of the teller I had shagged and one other lass I had been thinking about shagging later .... the life of a secret agent is a lonely one.
One fluid movement I disarmed Spector, I put him into a wrist lock and bent him over to kick him 3 times in the chest and once in the face because I didn't like him.
I pulled out my service revolver, a Webley Mk VI from 1916 which had saved my life more times than wearing a seat belt while driving had ever done ... which is why I don't use them.
I pointed my gun at him with a burning hate in my eyes cos the dead lass I was going to shag later looked the grateful type. He looked up and said, "you can't do it, you don't have the guts" he mocked me with a sneer.
"It's not that I don't have the guts old fellow, I don't have the bullets" .... maybe I should get a newer gun with easy to get bullets. The police came and took him away. I had to break my cover and tell them I was a top level secret agent and that Specter was the head of an evil crime organisation with high up links in various werld governments and was also guilty of some very bad wigs was but they seemed like good chaps and probably won't tell anyone.
My phone notification went off, it was Hillary asking if I'd kill off a supreme court judge for her and make it look like natural causes, she was always finding werk for me to do just so she could talk to me, I bet this wasn't even on a secure server, when that woman thinks with her woo woo all sense goes out the window.
006 had it a bit rough with a secret organisation in Monaco, it seems that they are everywhere these days.