Monday, 24 October 2016

Surviving On The Edge

Survival is something most people never think about. They are too focused on getting a caffeine fix and having an Interweb connection but out in the real werld and for those living on the edge sometimes it's a matter of life and death, or at least life and a nasty rash.

For a while I taught survival classes, mostly for yuppies and the odd guppy or office team building exercises putting people through hell so they aren't so cuntish at the water cooler at werk.  Sometimes all the office staff needed to bond as a team was the accidental deaths of their supervisors. Those courses gave me great Yelp reviews .... though they were tragic obviously.  

Don't listen to preppers, why have a bug out bag? Why not have a salted nut or selection of chocolates out bag? If they want to eat bugs then good for them I don't judge .... but they are all morons who will die in the first week. 

The three main things in survival are shelter, water and food in that order. The shelter will protect you from the elements and it's amazing what the perfect couch or trendy black bookcase will do for morale. Stay away from flat packs, when yer shivering out in the wastes of Siberia or Hemet the last thing you need is to be figuring out directions in Swedish.... aye sure they are printed in English too but you never find that part until yer halfway through.

I knew a man that went for horizontal blinds when lost in British Columbia, needless to say that didn't end well. You have to be smart for fucks sake.

Water is essential as what would life be without tea? You can go hours without coffee but not without tea ... I just don't want to think about that.
Don't listen to so-called American experts with their iced tea. I'm not saying yon Black Hawk down incident in Somalia that left 18 Yanks dead wouldn't have happened if they had been given proper tea-bags but it wouldn't. Fucken Clinton huh, knew nothing about war.  The only Cubans he messed with smelled like minge.

Food is the last issue. You can go 3 weeks without snacks if you had to. A little known fact about famine is that it could be averted with a crate of rice crispy snacks but big Pharma and the Jewish run Illuminati want the werld in a state of chaos. Oh I hope I didn't sound anti-Semitic, the Jews are wonderful people except when they kill deities, chop bits of their willies and eat matzo balls whatever the fuck they are but I cross my legs just thinking about it.    

This is a shelter I made in the woods near by Hillary Clinton's home in the Hamptons. It was a very rudimentary dwelling with only one wall socket per room but the under cabinet lighting gave it ambiance and a classy look. I just got done making an infinity pool with willow branches, I am one with nature.

She didn't know I was there for just under 6 months. If she hadn't beefed up her security and got those attack dogs I could have been watching her undress for years.  Fuck those dogs were fast ... and silent.

In survival, communication is very important. You need to be able signal passing planes and update yer FaceBook status etc at a moments notice. When yer at a cafe that has free Wi Fi make sure to fill yer pockets with it. I know, yer pockets are already full of salt and sugar packets but status update can be the difference between life and virtual death.   

If a man is lost in the woods and he can't blog about it then does he even exist? How will the NSA track him?

For a quick rescue use the werds 'Obama, kill, bomb, Allah, fisting' and a black van or helicopter will pick you up in no time.... Just out my window I see a black hand pulling up, amazing!  

We take cat pictures for granted and often swear at people that post them but when you don't have cute wee Tiddles then you must adapt. Of course most big cats attack from behind so make sure you always face it and have yer spray bottle handy in case it tries to eat you. Common sense really.

Starting a fire can be difficult, if you don't have a lighter and a can of petrol at all times then maybe this is nature's way of culling out the weak.

 A typical savage. 

With yer pockets full of salt, sugar, ketchup and Wi Fi you have nothing to carry the water for yer tea ... carry condoms too. No not to carry water, what if you find a village full of sexy native weemen? Yes you must be responsible because they might not be used to yer strain of clap.

Way back in 1492 when I helped this guy called Colombo discover America I probably decimated 90% of the native population with my gonorrhea ... ach you live and lern.

People think poop holes are for pooping and buttsecs but if yer smart you can keep yer drugs a folding can opener and a pack of cards up there. Survival is much better when on drugs.  

 What was that Mr Twig? Yes 'perturbed' is a funny werd and does sound like a fart. 

Old Knudsen survived 4 years alone on an island once. If it wasn't for the LSD and the talking trees he would have gone mad. Turns out that it was really a peninsula named Florida, great hunting there, they have these tasty primates that dress like people but if you cut their faces off you can clearly see they are panda like looking apes. Some of them can mimic the human voice.          

If worried about a bulky survival bag merely insert items in under yer skin, the human body is amazing ... well mine is but you know that. This post may probably definitely save yer life someday.


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