Monday, 31 October 2016

American Werewolf In Belfast


A while back me friend from America came over to find his Irish ancestry. His grandfather or great grandfather was from Ireland or Iceland, somewhere like that. He figured he'd come over and ask around.

David ... I'll call him served with me in Alpha Delta Pi Force and in Sigma 10. We've seen shit man, mustard coloured dripping shit and death. One time while hunting Commies in Angola he cut his finger on a can of beans, I said "yer bleedin mate" and he looked at me stone cold in the eyes and said, "I ain't got time to bleed" .... no, seriously he had to cook yon beans as he was on first watch.

Some tea and cocaine at the Battered Ram

We bonded over beheading Commies an shit and kept in touch over the years. We went hill walking around Cave hill but we didn't keep to the path as Jim the local man told us to. Suddenly there was the sound of growling surrounding us. It was dark cos we were kinda off our heads when we decided to go hill walking ... like you do.

As the memes go, no great adventure ever started with having a salad.  Unless yer Hitler or Gary Glitter who were both vegetarians. 


A Spidewolf ... mister mister got any fegs mister? 

The growling came from around us getting closer. Suddenly it was on me ... why the fuck me? David had a soft tender American body pumped with a lifetime of food hormones, I was all sinew and muscle. I used my old man strength to fight it off while David stood crying and complaining about gun free zones and how this wouldn't happen in America.

This is not Amerika .... you can drink our socialist tap water.  

 Luckily I carry a blade. I got me wee pen kinife with its legal two inch blade. The beast smelled like cigarettes, desperation and Lynx (Axe to you Yanks) I killed it good and suddenly lying there on the ground was a wee spide with shreds of track suit clinging to his mostly naked body. He had a small willy .... yeah I looked .... and it wasn't that cold out.  

Homely gurl

I had a nasty gash from the clawing and David twisted his ankle trying to escape. While in hospital a Nurse Price took pity on David and offered to let him stay at her home ... you know what nurses are like, sex mad the lot of them.

My hot nurse

Poor David, I got the hot nurse while he got Miss Price Knocked Off .... lol! It turned out that while I was stabbing the Spidewolf, David got some Spidewolf blood in his mouth while he was screaming for his mammy.
I swear he was a lot braver when hunting down poorly trained and equipped rebels, och time changes a man. I used to be terrible when I was young. I got into fights, took drugs and drink and shagged tons of ladies and possibly a few blokes though they were the ghey ones .... but that was last week and now I'm deep an thoughtful an shit.


I had terrible nightmares and soon I found I was surrounded by the undead. Have you ever talked to a corpse? They are boring. Always going on about reality shows, soaps and sports while I ponder questions like Why are we here? and Two bees or not two bees? 

Philosophical thought for the day: You can't have cum without U  .... deep huh.

Since I'm already undead and loving it I can't turn into a Spide or Werewolf. These were David's victims.


I phoned Nurse Price but she didn't pick up for some reason. So I did what any good friend would do and I called the peelers to her house and they shot him. Old Knudsen has the connections. You don't ask for proof with Old Knudsen you just do what yer told.

 
Years later another killer would roam the streets of Belfast. He preyed on beautiful intelligent weemen and so mostly killed foreigners cos our weemen are dumb and brutal looking.  I helped a lady detective named Stella Artois track him doon. He turned out to be a Hipsterpire that could only be defeated by non-ironic things but that is a story for another day .... or I might not even bother to make it up. 

Bom ba ba bom ba bom ba bom bom ba ba bom ba ba bom ba ba dang a dang dang. Ba ba ding a dong ding Blue moon moon blue moon dip di dip di dip. Moo Moo Moo Blue moon dip di dip di dip Moo Moo Moo Blue moon dip di dip di dip blue moon you saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart,without a love of my own.











All characters and events in this post are fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or persons, living, dead, or undead is purely coincidental


 

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