Monday, 31 October 2016

American Werewolf In Belfast

A while back me friend from America came over to find his Irish ancestry. His grandfather or great grandfather was from Ireland or Iceland, somewhere like that. He figured he'd come over and ask around.

David ... I'll call him served with me in Alpha Delta Pi Force and in Sigma 10. We've seen shit man, mustard coloured dripping shit and death. One time while hunting Commies in Angola he cut his finger on a can of beans, I said "yer bleedin mate" and he looked at me stone cold in the eyes and said, "I ain't got time to bleed" .... no, seriously he had to cook yon beans as he was on first watch.

Some tea and cocaine at the Battered Ram

We bonded over beheading Commies an shit and kept in touch over the years. We went hill walking around Cave hill but we didn't keep to the path as Jim the local man told us to. Suddenly there was the sound of growling surrounding us. It was dark cos we were kinda off our heads when we decided to go hill walking ... like you do.

As the memes go, no great adventure ever started with having a salad.  Unless yer Hitler or Gary Glitter who were both vegetarians. 

A Spidewolf ... mister mister got any fegs mister? 

The growling came from around us getting closer. Suddenly it was on me ... why the fuck me? David had a soft tender American body pumped with a lifetime of food hormones, I was all sinew and muscle. I used my old man strength to fight it off while David stood crying and complaining about gun free zones and how this wouldn't happen in America.

This is not Amerika .... you can drink our socialist tap water.  

 Luckily I carry a blade. I got me wee pen kinife with its legal two inch blade. The beast smelled like cigarettes, desperation and Lynx (Axe to you Yanks) I killed it good and suddenly lying there on the ground was a wee spide with shreds of track suit clinging to his mostly naked body. He had a small willy .... yeah I looked .... and it wasn't that cold out.  

Homely gurl

I had a nasty gash from the clawing and David twisted his ankle trying to escape. While in hospital a Nurse Price took pity on David and offered to let him stay at her home ... you know what nurses are like, sex mad the lot of them.

My hot nurse

Poor David, I got the hot nurse while he got Miss Price Knocked Off .... lol! It turned out that while I was stabbing the Spidewolf, David got some Spidewolf blood in his mouth while he was screaming for his mammy.
I swear he was a lot braver when hunting down poorly trained and equipped rebels, och time changes a man. I used to be terrible when I was young. I got into fights, took drugs and drink and shagged tons of ladies and possibly a few blokes though they were the ghey ones .... but that was last week and now I'm deep an thoughtful an shit.

I had terrible nightmares and soon I found I was surrounded by the undead. Have you ever talked to a corpse? They are boring. Always going on about reality shows, soaps and sports while I ponder questions like Why are we here? and Two bees or not two bees? 

Philosophical thought for the day: You can't have cum without U  .... deep huh.

Since I'm already undead and loving it I can't turn into a Spide or Werewolf. These were David's victims.

I phoned Nurse Price but she didn't pick up for some reason. So I did what any good friend would do and I called the peelers to her house and they shot him. Old Knudsen has the connections. You don't ask for proof with Old Knudsen you just do what yer told.

Years later another killer would roam the streets of Belfast. He preyed on beautiful intelligent weemen and so mostly killed foreigners cos our weemen are dumb and brutal looking.  I helped a lady detective named Stella Artois track him doon. He turned out to be a Hipsterpire that could only be defeated by non-ironic things but that is a story for another day .... or I might not even bother to make it up. 

Bom ba ba bom ba bom ba bom bom ba ba bom ba ba bom ba ba dang a dang dang. Ba ba ding a dong ding Blue moon moon blue moon dip di dip di dip. Moo Moo Moo Blue moon dip di dip di dip Moo Moo Moo Blue moon dip di dip di dip blue moon you saw me standing alone, without a dream in my heart,without a love of my own.

All characters and events in this post are fictitious. Any similarity to actual events or persons, living, dead, or undead is purely coincidental


Sunday, 30 October 2016

Ass Tastic Sunday

Use lube and it won't be so Thor. 

I only post beauty when I'm inspired or have one in the chamber. For a chronic masturbator it can be hard to find inspiration worthy of a post.  Enjoy these and imagine the sweet farts they must do. 

 Quit getting toilets in these shots ffs ... and put the lid doon.

I deny christ, shoplifting and knocking doon hobos but I can't deny liking these.

An ass but not a nice one ....

Thursday, 27 October 2016

Donald Trump's Star Gets Busted

This is why we can't have nice things. First you have to suspend believe that Trump is a TV star. Why does he have a star on the walk of fame? .... yeah he had a hit TV show .... a reality show but he paid for it the star, cos he isn't a star. $30,000 is the price tag BTW.

In my day being a star meant a level of fame and a certain amount of ability but he shouts, has funny hair and has a catchphrase .... that's it.  

Some bloke put on a hi-vis vest and took a sledgehammer to Donald Trump's star. It was caught on camera and he said it was for all those women (14 so far) that say that Trump sexually assaulted them in some manner going back to the 80's. 

Those 14 do not include Ivana Trump who while testifying during their divorce hearing in 1992 said that Donald forced her to have sex with him. This story came out in 1993 and Donald replied that you can't rape a spouse.
So yeah, a history of disrespecting bitches dames broads.  

As far as I know Trump hasn't embraced the doctrine of the Nazi party. Sure he keeps a signed copy of Mein Kampf in every room of his house but he says he just likes looking at the pictures in it, they are fun and tremendous. 

 Hitler the eternal joker ... the Jews just didn't get his humour oy vey. 

Just because you don't denounce hate groups that give you support and endorsements doesn't mean you agree with them, it just means yer a cunt so get off his fucken back.  

At least he is supporting American jobs for a change by giving whoever cleans up his dirty star something to do. 

When a miniature wall was put around his star it did keep miniature Mexicans out. 

Donald has asked for his replacement star to look like a normal star, like a deputy's star. He also wants to take over use up other spaces and make his star bigger as he is even more famous now.  

Other people have displeased the crazies too. John Lennon's star gets written on but they are usually positive messages and nothing at all about his wife beating. 
Hugh Laurie the actor, writer, director, musician, singer, comedian, and author who has had a 35 year career and several hit TV shows just got his star. I bet he didn't have to pay for it but how the fuck did Trump get a star before him? Probably cos he's a Brit though he has a better American accent than Trump does. 

 House aired in 2004, was intelligent and entertaining and The Apprentice aired in 2005 and was a reality show .... bleh.  
 Laurie got 2 Golden Globes, 2 SAG awards, is in the 2011 Guinness book of records for the most watched leading man on television and Trump says "yer fired". He got it in 2007 for fucks sakes. 

Other totally guilty alleged sexual predators have had their star desecrated.  Serial groper Schwarzenegger and tax evader Snipes have stars too. The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce have said that once you have a star you are a part of Hollywood and will stay. 
Kevin Bacon could stand on 5th street and shoot someone and they'd still keep his star. Not that he would. Kev only shoots people during the annual hobo hunts for charity that the Clinton's run on their estate.

Some guilty as fuck innocent sexual predators have statues made for them. Woody Allen's statue has had the sign 'I am a pedo' hung round it's neck. What is more scary as a statue going around touching up kids?... a clown? fuck off! 
Allen's statue must be a Golem made from Jew magic or something. For the record I love the Jews so since they are probably in charge of Blogger please don't shut me doon.  

Hitler loved them too but "experts" say he might of have Aspergers and just didn't understand social cues that well. Of course David Duke is an expert on Hitler, he knows everything about him.

Trump has had his honorary degree from a Scottish university taken from him after thousands signed a petition. He has also had an honorary street sign removed in Chicago after a council meeting voted to remove it. Guess he shouldn't compare Chicago to a war zone, the truth hurts dude. 

When Belfast had a Chicago Pizza Pie Factory in the 90's I got more than just pizza, I got a side of PTSD too. 

Jimmy Savile a national treasure (he used to be) and guilty sexual offender was stripped of his Honorary Freemen of the Borough of Scarborough title and had a road sign taken away too. His knighthood from the Queen is safe as is his papal knighthood even though the Archbishop of Westminster wrote to Rome to remove it in 2012. Considering the cunts that the Vatican turn into saints they might make Savile into one.  

Savile has had a statue in Glasgow removed and his name off plaques and buildings in his honour. Even the BBC removed his Desert island disc episode from their data base. Saying in 1985 how he ran dance halls to get girls takes on a whole new meaning now.   

Convicted glam rock pedo Gary Glitter had his brick removed from the Cavern Club and his cameo taken out of the Spice gurls movie, serious shit. 

The US also removes images of sexual predators too. Jerry Sandusky was removed from a mural and is no longer an ice-cream flavour .... ah it tastes like young boy. Joe Paterno who didn't deal with Sandusky had his statue removed. That's like removing Pope John Paul, Pope Ratzinger and Pope Francis from shit cos they allowed pedos to thrive too, oh c'mon, not their fucken problem and the children were asking for it. 

The US also removes Confederate flags and statues as they promote slavery and those that fought to keep it going.  

The ancient Egyptians destroyed statues and scored off names and faces from their hieroglyphics and the bloody Romans did it too. It was called 'damnatio memoriae' the damnation of the memory. 

Too little too late unless the creep is alive to see it. I hope Trump is enjoying it. The destruction and white wash will help those effected by the creeps. 
Who wants to see a sexual predator awarded honours and election the leader of the US? .... besides deplorable arseholes that only care about themselves that is. 


Tuesday, 25 October 2016

How To Build An Empire

Everbody keeps asking me, 'Old Knudsen, how do you build an Empire' and I tells them, hard werk, lies and oppression.

The Romans had an Empire, the British had one too. You go to other cuntries, fuck them up, get whatever resources they have and then when they get sick of it or your power starts to slip you get the fuck out. Or like Obama you say you are getting out but keep some troops there and when times are better you increase the number.

You don't talk about the increase so people only remember you going on about bringing them home.   

And since WWII they've always lost. 

Like the Achaemenid Persian Empire, the Roman Empire,the Caliphate the Mongol Empire the Spanish, the Portuguese etc the British had their time and ruled most of the werld. Their grasp slips and then it's over. 

It can be a person keeping it together such as Alexander or even Cromwell but as soon as they die all chaos breaks loose and weaker less powerful people try to fill those shoes. Or with Rome they were attacked at their heart with most of their army elsewhere. With the British it took WWI and WWII to weaken us to the point that we couldn't afford colonies or to fight off any opposition.  

Some Empires can be built by religious fanatics who put the non-believers to the sword. Ideology is the main reason for attack and conquest. If you don't have religion separating you then go for politics. Barney the purple dinosaur promoted sharing and Communism and where is he now? 

You set up a friendly ruler or overthrow  a not so friendly one. The Arab spring uprisings wasn't about freedom it was about setting up chaos. When you have chaos a friendly super power will kindly offer to help you maintain power by arming yer group with a few stipulations like setting up bases and having drilling rights etc. 

Haftar was in exile in Virginia for 20 years but the CIA helped him get back to Libya. 

In Libya NATO backed forces overthrew Gaddafi in 2011. Hundreds of rival militia groups popped up as did the Islamic extremists. The US with its CIA presence tried to install a friendly legitimate government which would really be a puppet dictatorship to free up frozen Libyan billions held in foreign banks as well as drilling rights. 
A powerful general Khalifa Haftar seized several oil ports which kinda fucked up American plans somewhat. I'm sure he'll be assassinated in the name of freedom. 

The US backed dictator government in Yemen failed and that forced the US to go into Somalia as a consolation prize. The US also backs the Neo-Nazi government of Ukraine solely on the grounds of being anti-Russian. 

War has become the biggest product of the US, it has the largest military in the world which is why it doesn't look after its poor, old and vulnerable at home, better things to do. The American Empire is modern and flexible, coming and going, cutting its loses when Iran or Russia gets involved. Like a bully scared off by another bully. 

It suits the US to have chaos in the Middle East. It also suits the US to use drones and bombs because boots on the ground warfare can become very unpopular and fast. Be at war but not call it war, have an Empire but not call it one .... with Americans it's all about the optics. 

Experts on warfare know that if you invade a cuntry you'll create a resistance and make more enemies and yet the US and coalition forces do this constantly. War against terrorists is becoming the norm. A generation will grow not knowing anything else. 

You have to keep the war going. The Troubles in Northern Ireland got serious when the invading British committed a few atrocities thus swelling the ranks of the previously unpopular IRA. 30 odd years later it ended but 40 odd years on and people are still getting killed but you can't call it terrorism ... the optics you see. 

Is that how long the Bush started wars of terror will go on for? Are you ready for another 30 odd years of this? The US and the UK have made some pretty sweet arms deals, it's good money. 

Again with the optics, keep the people in fear of the enemy so they won't question why there were 20 odd CIA operatives in Benghazi ... they just were.... um for security and backup cos the CIA are known for that.  
Those Muslims are out to get us, even the refugees are terrorists. Grow some balls for fucks sake. The amount of times I'm told I'm swallowing media and government lies all the while these people live in fear of losing their guns and fear refugees enough to pretend to care about homeless veterans. 

In WWII it was loose lips sink ships. There were public information films on how to look out for German spies pretending to be British. In the 80's it was Soviet sleeper cells and now it's terrorists disguised as refugees.  

Did everyone always jump at their own shadows or are people these days just weeping pussies? When you are afraid things like Brexit happens. It says a lot that the brave Scottish and Irish didn't vote for it. The places where you can still get fucked up by thugs with their bare hands or a piece of glass ... guns are for the weak.

These paranoid fear fucks should fear their own government that kills far more Americans every year than any terrorist does. 

The first rule of Empire building in the 21st century .... never say the 'E' word.  

Monday, 24 October 2016

Surviving On The Edge

Survival is something most people never think about. They are too focused on getting a caffeine fix and having an Interweb connection but out in the real werld and for those living on the edge sometimes it's a matter of life and death, or at least life and a nasty rash.

For a while I taught survival classes, mostly for yuppies and the odd guppy or office team building exercises putting people through hell so they aren't so cuntish at the water cooler at werk.  Sometimes all the office staff needed to bond as a team was the accidental deaths of their supervisors. Those courses gave me great Yelp reviews .... though they were tragic obviously.  

Don't listen to preppers, why have a bug out bag? Why not have a salted nut or selection of chocolates out bag? If they want to eat bugs then good for them I don't judge .... but they are all morons who will die in the first week. 

The three main things in survival are shelter, water and food in that order. The shelter will protect you from the elements and it's amazing what the perfect couch or trendy black bookcase will do for morale. Stay away from flat packs, when yer shivering out in the wastes of Siberia or Hemet the last thing you need is to be figuring out directions in Swedish.... aye sure they are printed in English too but you never find that part until yer halfway through.

I knew a man that went for horizontal blinds when lost in British Columbia, needless to say that didn't end well. You have to be smart for fucks sake.

Water is essential as what would life be without tea? You can go hours without coffee but not without tea ... I just don't want to think about that.
Don't listen to so-called American experts with their iced tea. I'm not saying yon Black Hawk down incident in Somalia that left 18 Yanks dead wouldn't have happened if they had been given proper tea-bags but it wouldn't. Fucken Clinton huh, knew nothing about war.  The only Cubans he messed with smelled like minge.

Food is the last issue. You can go 3 weeks without snacks if you had to. A little known fact about famine is that it could be averted with a crate of rice crispy snacks but big Pharma and the Jewish run Illuminati want the werld in a state of chaos. Oh I hope I didn't sound anti-Semitic, the Jews are wonderful people except when they kill deities, chop bits of their willies and eat matzo balls whatever the fuck they are but I cross my legs just thinking about it.    

This is a shelter I made in the woods near by Hillary Clinton's home in the Hamptons. It was a very rudimentary dwelling with only one wall socket per room but the under cabinet lighting gave it ambiance and a classy look. I just got done making an infinity pool with willow branches, I am one with nature.

She didn't know I was there for just under 6 months. If she hadn't beefed up her security and got those attack dogs I could have been watching her undress for years.  Fuck those dogs were fast ... and silent.

In survival, communication is very important. You need to be able signal passing planes and update yer FaceBook status etc at a moments notice. When yer at a cafe that has free Wi Fi make sure to fill yer pockets with it. I know, yer pockets are already full of salt and sugar packets but status update can be the difference between life and virtual death.   

If a man is lost in the woods and he can't blog about it then does he even exist? How will the NSA track him?

For a quick rescue use the werds 'Obama, kill, bomb, Allah, fisting' and a black van or helicopter will pick you up in no time.... Just out my window I see a black hand pulling up, amazing!  

We take cat pictures for granted and often swear at people that post them but when you don't have cute wee Tiddles then you must adapt. Of course most big cats attack from behind so make sure you always face it and have yer spray bottle handy in case it tries to eat you. Common sense really.

Starting a fire can be difficult, if you don't have a lighter and a can of petrol at all times then maybe this is nature's way of culling out the weak.

 A typical savage. 

With yer pockets full of salt, sugar, ketchup and Wi Fi you have nothing to carry the water for yer tea ... carry condoms too. No not to carry water, what if you find a village full of sexy native weemen? Yes you must be responsible because they might not be used to yer strain of clap.

Way back in 1492 when I helped this guy called Colombo discover America I probably decimated 90% of the native population with my gonorrhea ... ach you live and lern.

People think poop holes are for pooping and buttsecs but if yer smart you can keep yer drugs a folding can opener and a pack of cards up there. Survival is much better when on drugs.  

 What was that Mr Twig? Yes 'perturbed' is a funny werd and does sound like a fart. 

Old Knudsen survived 4 years alone on an island once. If it wasn't for the LSD and the talking trees he would have gone mad. Turns out that it was really a peninsula named Florida, great hunting there, they have these tasty primates that dress like people but if you cut their faces off you can clearly see they are panda like looking apes. Some of them can mimic the human voice.          

If worried about a bulky survival bag merely insert items in under yer skin, the human body is amazing ... well mine is but you know that. This post may probably definitely save yer life someday.


Thursday, 20 October 2016

You Know As Much As Jon Snow

No no no, you have mansplaining all wrong, let me tell you how. 

We are told lies all the time. Dressed up as myths, religion and and even history. Things were so much better then, you could leave yer doors unlocked and children could play in the street. Wrong! you just knew fuck all and weren't informed.
On a random search 1976 -1977 four children were murdered in Oakland county Michigan. There were probably more but no one was ever caught for them and if you think black and brown kids get short media coverage now when they go missing compared to white kids just imagine what it was like then. John Wayne Gacy was even suspected as being the Babysitter killer at one point.

A rosy view of the past leads to the next generation being told how great it all was before the Internet and smarty phones came along .... of course they learn all this by fucken memes ... on the Internet.

   I said no more cat pictures!

The full moon has no effect on us.  We do not go crazy or get angry, we're just cunts all the time. People just notice a connection when the moon is full. Tides in our bodies? We are 75% water. Well the highest tides also happen during a new moon. There have been countless studies on the menstrual cycle, crimes stats and psychiatric visits but no conclusive evidence for moon madness. Just do crack if you want a valid reason to be an arsehole. 

Sugar rush? Again with the moon, people are cunts and children are just young cunts ... simples. There is no medical evidence to support a sugar rush. That right there has he reserving judgement on all the effects of Climate Change as these egg heads only know shit now, in 20 years they might all change that again.

NASA spent millions on a pen that werked in space while the Soviets used pencils. No! Astronauts are just cunts. 
NASA used pencils but a company named Fisher invented a pen which NASA then bought and used, even the Soviets bought these pens. NASA didn't invent teflon or velcro either but you knew that. 

I'm no saying I'd like to be her bike seat but ....    

You lose most of yer body heat from yer head. You do know that heat rises right? Well take off yer trousers and I guarantee you'll be just as cold.  
Peanuts ... sorry I have a lisp. Part of the Legolas family

Peanuts are a part of the Leguminosae family of peas and beans  .... and they are cunts! 

Fortune cookies look Chinese and sound Chinese but are actually an American invention which is why they are hollow, full of lies and leave a bad taste in yer mouth. Lucky numbers my arse. 

 kill me now 

Vitamin C does nothing for yer cold. Most vitamins do nothing in fact. Eat properly and you'll get all the nutrition you need. 

In London you are always only 6 feet away from a rat. Obviously this is a rough estimate as rats are not evenly spread out and Nigel Farage did go to help Trump lie to the American people leaving the likes of Boris to be yer rat.  

The moon is always rotating and so there is no permanent dark side, this is why we can see the alien bases now and then. 

When yer antivirus program clears the junk form yer phone it will often delete actual junk pictures by mistake. Always be sure to save these pics in another folder as I'm not sending them out again. 

People do not just use 10% of their brains, some people use even less. After a hair grooming accident in the 80's, Donald Trump had to have 83% of his brain tissue removed. He said that he felt tremendous and then went on to win 7 Tour De France races. Hillary only won 3 because she is sick and weak and probably lied about the third one.

 What cunt got us out at this time of night? 

Blame the cop shows. You do not have to wait 24 hours before filing a missing person report. You may have to wait until they finish their donuts though. 

The seasons are not caused by the Earth being closer to the sun cos the sun doesn't fucken move, nor is the sun colder during winter as NASA found out in 1972 ... a tragic loss. The reason for the seasons is Jesus. He died for yer sins ... cos yer a cunt.

Hanging weights from yer dick won't make it bigger (a friend told me) and may break the bone in yer cock known as the coccyx ... would I lie? 

Cracking yer knuckles doesn't give you arthritis, excessive wanking doesn't make you blind or give you hairy hands (extensive study was done on this) but watching too much TV (especially soaps, sport and reality shows) will give you square eyes. 

Now you've been informed you have no reason to be stupid. Unless you have a serious hair grooming accident that is.