Monday, 15 August 2016

League Of Super Pals

Back in the day we figured out that it costs $63 a day to be a super hero and in Canada and the UK it's free. Nope it just isn't worth the effort. Back in the day when we had a team we were fighting crime and keeping the public safe, we were known as The Justice Peace league of Super Violent Vigilantes.

I was in course in charge being a natural leader type.  Others have always just looked up to me, especially when I'd sell drugs at the Primary schools though even those kids are as tall as adults these days thanks to corn syrup and hormones in the food.
They called me a speedster cos after I take a magic potion I can stay up for hours cleaning and running around, my superhero name was Super Sprint. I'd say, "Never fear SS is here" .... as with anything I never gained mainstream success, too edgy for those cunts I suppose. Too fast for their cameras maybe.

  The Universal Freedom Fisters.  
Everyone and their Ma was dressing as superheroes and running around wearing masks, no wonder the police felt so useless and tried to take our power by demanding we tell our true identities. We couldn't for fear of public embarrassment our families being put into danger.

We knew when crimes were to take place because we had the mysterious Seer on our team, he left after winning the Super Lotto 5 times in a row and moved to Florida. I had to readjust the team. Since we no longer knew when any crime was to happen we were never there in time to stop them so I renamed us the Revengers, after a crime we'd break into prison and exact revenge onto the evil doer.

On our team was Cat Lady, she gained the powers of a cat from her 43 pets. She'd come and go when she pleased, shit in a box and would often just sit there and lick her bits .... you would think that wouldn't get old to watch but it did.
Of course she would never come to meetings if dog boy was there, they would fight like ..... well a lot.  He was handy to have around because if someone came to our secret lair in Topeka he'd be up and barking at the door warning us that some one was there ... I hated the way he watched me eat in the hopes that I dropped something, the rolling in poo was fine, he had his ways, we all did. He left the group when someone left the door open, I suspect Cat lady did it.

Then there was Black Widow, she got her name because she had been married 4 times, each husband unfortunately died in their sleep of unknown causes. Every meeting we'd just start by saying sorry for her loss. The only good thing to come of her power was the ability to insure her husbands before hand.

She was sassy and would take no shit, these days she'd be called a Widow of Colour but back then we didn't have time to be PC .... Black Widow, use yer ain't got time for this shit uppity ability. Her power to get refunds without the receipts was legendary. Just don't go to the cinema with her unless you like people shouting all through the movie.

We had a fling which really pissed off Cat Lady but Black Widow was too interested in being married in order to unlock everything she did in the bedroom, she must have been religious or something. Tempting but it was just not meant to be, I still had 3 other divorces pending.    

I just want to take this time to remember Captain Atomic. His power was a one off but came in handy when an evil villain tried to take over the Nevada desert. There are still places there you can't go, not because of radiation but because they are still covered in bits of Captain Atomic .... lest we forget. I salute him every time I have a double bean and cheese burrito, may my ass explosions be in his name.

When you have a team of assholes misfits on the fringe of society it's hard to keep them together. Things fell apart when Cat Lady fell off a keyboard and broke her hip.  Black widow's 7th husband woke up and filed some bogus criminal charges against her and the invisible guy, we think we know where we left him but being naked and invisible he probably died of hypothermia. Every now and then in the north of Scotland you hear stories of hikers tripping over things that aren't there.      

I had my own melt down when I shouted "Never fear SS is here" and a Holocaust survivor had a heart attack ... what, too soon?

I took more and more of my magic potion until I hit Rock Bottom ... I totally hit that. Her super power was buns of steel, her twerking could deflect bullets. She made me believe in myself again. She passed away a few years ago stopping a robbery when she took one up the ass ... but that's besides the point, she was killed because she didn't look both ways crossing the street, the only thing left of her after that bus hit her was her perfect ass.

I think some cop took it home or something.

I stopped taking my magic potion when I went into rehab became a recluse in my lair of solitude and reflection. I looked within and found what I was afraid of most ... Lemurs! I would make the criminals feel my fear, I'd become:

Lemurman .... Captain Lemur, The Lemur ??? I don't know. Stories of a 6 foot tall lemur fighting crime spread throughout the suburbs. I didn't mind cos I'm nowhere near 6 foot so yay!

I would use my big bug eyes to see in the dark and to stare into the souls of evil doers. I would also body shame people and comment on their fashion sense ... double denim .... seriously? ... horizontal stripes?

After I posted a picture of a fat person at the gym on Twitter I felt the tide turn against us super heroes. People were judging me ... how dare they! 'How can you body shame these people Lemurman, they are just trying to improve themselves, why don't you look at yourself in the mirror, you aren't perfect.'

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror as it would scare the shit out of me.  You dress as a lemur and people go on about you having issues and that you are mentally unstable. I wanted to buy a gun and just shoot them all but not even US gun shops sell AR-15's to lemurs, stoopid American bigotry. 

G-string Force ... Battle of the planets, who remembers that? Why was Jason always a dick?  

I'm too old for crime fighting now. Just don't be so quick to condemn a bloke in a leotard at least he is attempting to right wrongs. We can't all look like Chris pine Chris Hemsworth Chris Evans. Some of us are too lazy to werk out just not that shape.      

Don't let the judgements and issues of others stop you from being super. If yer power is to pull out yer cock on a bus then be yerself, they are just jealous that they don't have amazing abilities.


k said...

Regarding the whole lemur identity, does this mean you have been fisting yourself since 500 A.D.?

Old Knudsen said...

When you can't fist the one you love then fist the one yer with.