Theresa May who is taking over as the British Prime Minister when David Cameron says, "fuck it, I'm done" will not be starting Article 50, the two year mechanism that starts the UK for leaving the EU when she takes office.
Instead she'll be invoking the rite of Prima nocta that means she can shag any bride or groom on their wedding night. May who changed her surname from Cumbucketry to May as she wanted to sound more enigmatic than porn starry hasn't had a good shag in decades though has fucked over many in her time including the police when she made cuts to them last year. Police officers are now 4 inches shorter, tasers won't have batteries and vehicles can only be used for 3 hours every week.
There will be no lube as is the Tory way.
May has a face for Hollywood and a beach ready bod has often been a distraction for other politicians. George Osbourne famously gave a speech on Inner titty crime which many put down to him being off his head on coke again.
He had to be held up as he kept falling in the direction of May babbling something about inner city motor boating. Afterwards he was rushed to hospital and it was found that as well as the usual drugs he had 4 pints of semen in his stomach ... he'd been cutting back you see. George is sooo curious at times.
May also said that as well as Prima nocta she will also be starting Article Ragnarök. First the utter destruction of the economy which has already begun thanks to Brexit but she'll also be destroying the NHS and getting rid of pesky things like the European Court of Human Rights. The ECHR has long gotten in the way of her having prisoners tortured which isn't very cool as they probably deserve it.
In the US cops shoot people they suspect of being up to no good, why can't we? It took 12 years to deport Muslim cleric Abu Qatada to Jordan. She said at the time, "I would have had him flogged if it wasn't for the meddling ECHR."
Reasonable grounds for suspicion will now have you sent to the oubliette. I have no idea what that is but it sounds nice. Just rolls off the tongue in a playful manner.
It has always been the Tory's aim to re-write Britain's human rights laws because they think we could probably put up with a lot more than we do. To be honest we do need a cull and a jolly good thrashing.
I saw a young person with shoulder length hair the other day. I said "get a hair cut you fucken hippy" sure she started to cry and ran off to her mother but the wee fucker was holding up the line at the Ice cream van and I wanted me poke with a flake. I felt justified.
Last month the politicians all wanted their cuntry back and now all they want is sexy back.
As with the old Norse legends after the complete destruction a few
If yer grandparents ever ate cabbage and corned beef and if you drink a lot then you automatically qualify to be Irish, not that you'd really want to. I'm sick of eating potatoes every fucken day to be sure.
Instead of needs based welfare benefits which has been vastly abused by the old, poor and disabled we'll have competitions or games which will be televised. The winners will then be eligible to qualify for benefits and will have gotten some exercise after fighting to the death ... it sounds so exciting, we'll be on the telly, we might even see some boobies.
An arena has already started getting built near the town of Hungerford and it is thought they'll be named the Hungerford games or The Benefits Extravaganza Give Away. Anyways I hear it'll be points based so therefore totally fair for everyone.
May has also called for all the Dalmatian pups in the land to be brought to Number 10, no idea what that's about. Being plebs we don't get to ask questions from non-elected leaders of the cuntry.
Old Knudsen can't wait to have a bit of sex appeal at # 10 as it was a real challenge to masturbate to pictures of David Cameron. Theresa May but Old Knudsen would.