Saturday, 9 April 2016
You sleep, not great sleep but it's good because you are giving yourself a sleepy treat and then at 8am bang bang bang .... no not next door's headboard on the wall again, it's the door.
You race doon the stairs still groggy, reacting to the morning sun like a vampire and it's a delivery of something vitally important from Amazon. The courier doesn't wait for you to sign his wee tricorder cos he's too intimidated by yer nocturnal penile tumescence sticking out of yer shorts.
Knock on my door ya take yer chances.
Parcel couriers may seem cheery but they are sheer evil. They could have delivered that at any time but they always keep at least one parcel back in order to deliver it on Saturday at 8am.
You know what else they do? They secretly watch yer comings and goings and once you leave the house they race round with a sorry we missed you card so you have to go to the post office to collect it.
You may think I'm crazy or paranoid but just remember how they laughed at NASA for landing a man on the sun during winter when it's colder .... lest we forget.
Well I gotta go and contact Amazon, they keep sending me bags of air and I never ordered those ... ya have to watch the fuckers ya know.