Wednesday, 30 March 2016

How I Defeated ISIS Again

I hope that when the video of me held by the 10 Rings terrorist organization which is a subsidiary of ISIS wasn't too difficult for you to watch. 
As they read out their spiel about death to the west and how I was an agent of lies and would pay the price I was planning my cunning strike and escape. 

Yes they were real teeth I spat out, bought and paid for, I'll buy a new set when me cheque comes in. I was quietly observing the exits, the placement of each of my captives, who was most likely to fire first and who was even paying attention. That kind of training doesn't come easy, it takes years and years of practice and experience .... I took the 2 week online course but it's still a qualification I can put on me resume. 

24 hours earlier I was in Iraq with General Abdul something or other drawing out the plan. We'd extract revenge for the Brussels attack and halt the 10,000 murderous fighters on their way to Europe. No one attacks one of the surrender nations and gets away with it on my watch. Ach sure I could have exacted revenge for any one of the other ISIS attacks or the Kurds blowing up Ankara ... are they not sort of allies? ach I can't keep up with all those brown on brown crimes which is why we usually ignore them. 

I had been cunningly captured and tortured by Abdul Rahman Mustafa al-Qaduli in Syria who was is a senior ISIS commander, I'd kill him too if possible, he was well pleased at the information I gave him and suspected nothing.

Once the cameras stopped rolling I removed my fake finger that contained a blade and cut my way through the zip tie .... 5 fingers ya fuckers that's how many ya should have. 

I grabbed the fella's  M4A1 fitted with an M26 MASS pulling him off balance and causing him to fire at his buddies, I butt thrashed his face till he gave it up then I turned it on the rest and shot out the door with the shotgun attachment.     

I knew the other guards would be here soon so I grabbed a Heckler and Koch G36C for each hand and just kept firing until they were dead. Using one of their radios I did my best Arabian prince accent and told them it was all fine, I told them that one of my fellow towel heads had said Allah Akbar and so we all shot our weapons to celebrate ... I think he fell for it. 

It was nearly dawn so I had to find al-Qaduli's office, once there I hacked into his computer with the password Osama911 of course and sent e-mails that told the 10,000 fighters to cancel all travel plans and to convert to Christianity and learn a trade like plumbing or something ... I used a Berlitz phrase book and think I did pretty well, several replied saying about how relieved they were because all this Jihadi crap was getting rather silly. 
I also had to comfort Omar whose girlfriend refused to give him head if he was a Christian, I figured al-Qaduli would do this for his men.  Who was Omar kidding anyways we all know he likes Khalid.

I made my way to al-Qaduli's bedroom, I'd slice his stomach and pull the skin over his head and watch him suffocate while I played Sam Smith songs .... aye, that whiny annoying voice will be the last thing he hears. 

I kicked in the door only to find al-Qaduli dead with 4 burly Delta Force soldiers standing over him ... fucken Yanks, just my luck. 

They of course recognized me straight away. Yanks operating in Syria out in the open, what the fuck? I knew that Obama was like that person who had given 2 weeks notice and now didn't give a fuck but this is ridiculous.  

My escape plan was to shave off my body hair, fake tan myself up and get sold as a sex slave in Mosul where a contact would have a car waiting but me hole was still sore from the interogation so I hitched a lift with the Americans, we had to drop off some weapons to some moderate Islamic extremists but soon I was safely in Turkey. 

No need to thank me but this should protect the surrender nations until they get their act together and hire some Arabs cos that's the only way they'll win this. 

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