Wednesday, 10 February 2016

Zouave Not Suave

 Shut up or I'll stick you bitches!

When I was fighting as a mercenary during the American civil war .... which they just call "civil war" the same way as they call American football  poofy rugby "football" even though they don't use their feet but I'm no talking about the intellect of the bloody colonials but between you and me, I reckon it isn't just Flint Michigan that has drinking water full of lead, test Arizona, Texas and Florida for fucks sake.        

Anyways I was fighting for money and the joy of ending lives but I could have been fighting for freedom like my fellow soldier was .... aye the freedom for the wealthy to be able keep slaves, aye sure enough I didn't get paid and in true Scottish fashion I did indeed switch sides when we started to lose.

 Well I think we look fucking class even if we can't button up our jackets.

At the first battle of Bull Run we kept getting attacked by blokes dressed as clowns, General 'Rockgarden' Jackson  even shouted, "Hold On Boys! Here come those red legged devils again" .... that referred to the 14th Regiment New York State Militia or the 14th Brooklyn.

It was embarrassing shooting at fellas like that. If you were going to die and come back as a ghost would you pick and outfit like that to spend eternity in?

They were later known as the first or Eastern Iron Brigade .... probably due to their nicely ironed uniforms.

The First Battle of Bull Run, or as we called it 'Manassas' was the first major battle in the American civil war fought on 21st July 1861 near Washington DC.  It was a Confederate victory ... as was the second battle there in 1862.

Why the ghey outfits? .... they look worse than Loyalist flute bands ffs. Well in the civil war there were many outfits as folks got what they had at home, you had Northerners in grey and Southerners in blue, it was all over the place.
The dark blue jacket, sky blue pants are what you think of when you think Union troops. Notice the chevrons on his arm? He's a Corporal in the infantry. Blue was infantry, red, artillery and yellow was cavalry which is why John 'never served in the military' Wayne had yellow stripes down his pants ... and maybe one up his back. 

The red gheylords were called Zouave regiments, these were light infantry that ran in loose formation and loaded their rifles while laying on their backs (to avoid getting shot) they were based on French soldiers in Northern Africa .... the Americans loved the French then and still do but only when they get attacked by terrorists because we still haven't forgotten the Freedom Fries.  

The Union had 70 volunteer Zouave regiments while the south had 25. The most famous Zouaves came from New York and Pennsylvania and can still be seen during Remembrance day parades in New York. The Zouave uniforms were seen as a symbol of elitism due to the reputation of the soldiers that fought in Europe and Africa and if yer regiment did well you'd be rewarded by the top brass with bright red clown pants and a fez.

After a while 'because there's a fucken war on' it was difficult to get MC Hammer pants so the Zouave regiments got the usual blue ones and no more turbans or fez's by the end of the war. 

Even with the ridiculous pantaloons the North won which was ok as Mexicans work harder than the coloureds anyways so slavery wasn't that great .... is that ok to say without sounding racist?   

Abe gets a bit of color. 

It's Lincoln's birthday on Friday. Abe liked reading the Bible, Shakespeare and poetry such as the shite written by Robert Burns.... Wow, he had really bad taste in literature, ach not like there was much good shit like my blog back then.

He didn't like farm werk and disliked killing animals, he was very upset after having shot a turkey during a hunt .... what a wuss, dry yer eyes stretch. His infant brother died as did his sister and his mother died in front when he was 9 so maybe he just had a thing about death, can't really blame him. He later lost 3 sons to illness so probably wasn't much fun to be with at parties.

He died in 1865 at the age of 54 after being assassinated by the coward John Wilkes Booth who was also shot in the head by a soldier that ignored the whole bring him back alive order .... ain't karma a bitch.

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