Monday, 15 February 2016

Armageddon Can Be Fun If You Know How

The end of the world isn't going to be a fun adventure that the movies have promised us it will be. You don't get to drive around a large empty city that doesn't have piles of bodies all over the road as you loot the cool shops and talk to mannequins. The only danger won't be having a snooze and waking up near dusk when the zombies come out.

Jenny from around the block.

Screw all that driving about like Coolio I'd be shagging my Realdoll Jenny who wouldn't nag Old Knudsen about the bottle he keeps beside the bed to pee into or how he uses the curtains like Kleenex or the lack of coaster under his bag of glue.

Too ugly to be my real baby.

Jenny would probably have a baby and while we're celebrating our new arrival I'd notice the 'Made in China' mark on little Tarquin's back then I'd confront Jenny who would confess about visiting the night zombies doon China town and I'd leave in a huff disgusted at this betrayal.

What's good for the goose is good for the goat as we used to say in my home toon of Killamory. No, of course they are not under-aged, all of them would be at least a year old, I'm no pervert, not even at the end of the werld when the fear of punishment and prison rape no longer applies.  

Old Knudsen would have to be careful to not go insane as weaker minds may do being alone for so long. I'd have me audience of invisible time travelers anyways. Have I told you how they travel back in time to watch the greats of history? They used to be called a 'Greek chorus' but I call them the bloody time tourists that no one can see ..... but I know they are there, my animal guide the coyote told me so. 

It would take more than isolation to break Old Knudsen, his mind is strong, like rebar. It may be rusty but if you cut open an apple it will go rusty too but it's still sweet and delicious .... well that thought got away from me a little. 

I watched yon movie Z for Zachariah. It didn't have zombies but was an end of the werld love triangle. Fucking boring! It is from a book set in Iceland and I remember watching the BBC play for today in 1984. If things were on after 9pm on the BBC you may get the glimpse of the odd female boob and hear a swear word as it was a different world than the constant tits and swearing of today. 

Anthony Andrews was the lead 'John Loomis' and there was no triangle, just him and a farm girl. It starts with Loomis washing in a waterfall that is radiative. In the re-make Chiwetel Ejiofor is Loomis and he also washes in it but the BBC showed cock, the 2015 movie had troosers on. The girl nurses Loomis and in the BBC play Loomis gets worse and gets crazy with his hair falling out and in the remake he is sick for a while and gets better .... what the fuck? He gets better from extreme radiation exposure and always looks good. 

It was stoopid, don't watch it. The last person you want to end up with is a young farm girl with no world experience who is a god botherer. Thank you for saving us oh Lord ... sure you let everyone else die but who are we to question you and your mysterious ways? Lol at all the dead children.... Amen. I'd rather have me dolls to converse with. 

Good for chopping.    

Then there was Maggie ... a disease is killing everyone and the infected have to be taken into quarantine to die because they turn into zombies that want to eat yer flesh. Arnie's daughter (Abigail Breslin all nicely growed up) is infected. It takes weeks to turn into a zombie so farmer Arnie pulled some strings and got her home to let her die with family and to say goodbye etc. 

The worse thing about zombie movies is the long dragged out turning bit. The Walking Dead has is with a lot of blubbering and of course there is someone that hasn't killed before that wants to kill them because they are family .... I understand wanting to kill yer own. If Old Knudsen's siblings got a cold at the end of the werld I'd want to kill them .... aye but it wouldn't be fast. 

Weeks of oh no, Maggie is dying, wah wah wah .... what if she turns at an inconvenient moment or accidentally infects someone else? .... the infected seem to be allowed to do whatever they want as long as they don't behave like a zombie. Arnie lets his daughter go out with her friends on an all nighter. 

Look deep and thoughtful Arnie ... think about yer lunch or something.

Arnie seemed to walk around a lot and now and again would kill the odd zombie. It was like watching Clint Eastwood, one note actors that frown and look glum while everyone around them acts their little hearts out.  

I didn't watch the end of it because film makers are really harshing my mellow. The Road was a depressing enough movie to get over without this shite. 

      Movies need more of this. 

I want zombies, but hot zombies used as sex slaves, I want to not see those morals forced on us by society but new morals to do with the law of survival. I want looting and the hoarding of canned goods, lots of drinking but no ... wah wah everyone is dead. 98% of people are cunts so yay, everyone is dead!

What would a guy all alone do at the end of the werld? Probably what he does now. Blokes stick their dicks into pumpkins for fucks sake, a bloke was arrested at the Smithsonian for fucking a mummy, it was a male mummy, I wonder if he knew that. 

Bad enough being known as the guy that fucking a 3000 year old corpse but to be ghey too. Stuff you never see on the Night at the Museum movies. Not enough fucking going on at the end of the werld in movies.     

The werld will not go out with a banged sex doll but with a wimper cos you used up all the Viagra. 

North Korea testing missiles and not talking to South Korea, the Americans goading the Russians and the Chinese on their borders, the Turks openly bombing the Kurds as well as the Syrians and the Saudis talking about putting boots on the ground in Syria. The last one will take the proxy war the west has been fighting with Assad and will turn it into another invasion but with allies that all have nukes. 

The preppers won't have a clue it's kicked off until things go boom ... not big with the up to date news on foreign affairs, too busy worrying about FEMA.   

If Obama makes Assad the next Saddam, Osama or Gaddafi that we must defeat (because he's bad) then WWIII will be here in no time. Hillary will continue as a war president sneaking around manipulating world events as Obama has been doing but hey, at least she isn't a socialist, they eat babies.        

The end times will be depressing with a lot of blood being coughed up, no need to make depressing movies like that though.  

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