Monday, 29 February 2016

Quantum Of A Spectre Fall Royale

 Those vamps posed a real threat with their chiseled features.

I just cleaned out a nest of vamps north of Charleston when I got the call. J texted me that my cuntry needed me in Monte Carlo to stop a top secret organisation that only the Illuminati knew about called Spectre.
I got into my 1953 Aston Martin silver stingray viper limited edition and sighed a weary sigh. I felt drained, literally. After the last vamp nest in which the stakes I bought off Amazon that turned out to be formica went terrible wrong I chose to use biological weapons this time.

I worked in a Kindergarten for a week and got the man-flu from those wee germ factories. When they start requiring background checks to buy guns and to work with children I'll be snookered, until then I shall exploit the apathy of the law.

I let the vamps feed off me and watched as the man-flu instantly ravaged their bodies, turning them to dust. Luckily Old Knudsen is tough because man-flu is far worse than baby pains, trust me on that.

I took off down the road at speed and needed to blast out some rock music to wake me up. I almost hit the ejaculation button, that could have been messy. I don't know what the boffins put into that goop but when it sprays out it incapacitates you in a sticky mess, they shouldn't put that button so close to the radio.

 "I used to rule the world, seas would rise when I gave the word"    

I love this song, turn that bad boy up!  
"I hear Jerusalem bells a-ringing, Roman cavalry choirs are singing"
You know what Romans aren't famous for? ... cavalry choirs, what the fuck? Sounds a bit Welsh to me. Not that I have anything against the Welsh though they revolt and disgust me. I knew this Welsh pediatrician that told me about the sick things he'd do to kids, turned out that it was baby goats which is even worse. 

I sped off into the night, it was a long drive to Monte Carlo. 

He's the man-yan .... he'll bust throught your back door, call your mother a whore .... all in the name of the Quee-eeeennnn. 

Leave no one alive maybe scratch at his hives for his unseasonal allergies of justice and pain.

The self destructing mannnnnnn, he'll do what he cannnnnnnn, cos he's the mannnnnnn, this song is so lonnnnnggggggg, oh so lonnnnnggggggg.

He'll kill you with his donnnnnggggggg ..... everyone wants his donnnnnggggggg.

The man with the cap and a blog, he'll fuck your dogggggg.  Blah blah blah blah, when will the fucking movie start? Will there be anything newwww? Maybe sex with a stewwww, Irish stewwww.

While the rest of the UK is hit with austerity the 005 program's spending goes up, like the cost of keeping the royal family keeps going up. I slipped into my expensive tux and grabbed a few grand from my car's on board ATM.
Monte Carlo wasn't very busy, in fact all of Vegas was feeling the pinch. The Riviera had closed, things were tough. I wondered why J sent me here, the last I heard was about a deal going down in Monaco, ah well here I was, I shall trust that J knows his job.

Being a spy I'm trained to blend in and to be quite unremarkable that people barely even register me. "Ah Mister Knudsen!" proclaimed a chubby balding man, the manager I think, "It's great to see you again, I hope you'll be keeping your clothes on you tonight" he laughed nervously so I told him to fuck off ...  as I do.
I ordered a drink at the bar, "Crème de menthe, shaken not stirred, and make it dirty" after the bar tender shook and spat into my drink I surveyed the room, taking note of all exits and potential threats including a wet floor that didn't have a caution cone on it and a fire door that was propped open. 

A slender woman passed by, I called out to her that she had a nice rack .... she was carrying a chip rack. She was a teller about to begin her shift so I played a few hands of snap at her table then I pumped her for information.
The shelves of the janitor's supply room rattled as I pumped her for info, her cat (Mr Pickles) had just died  that week and she had broken up with her fiancee (Paul) who was cheating on her and she had slight discomfort while peeing .... not the info I was after. I shot my load making that double 'O' face that millions of men, weemen and domestic pets had seen ... ask yer Ma about it. 

"I love you Soren"   

Yeah I had just met her, I get this a lot. I said "look, this would never work out as I'm like a wine taster of the flesh, also I'm a secret agent werking for SG-19 which is an ultra secret branch of British Intelligence that no one knows about. Our werlds are too different and chances are that you'll probably die tonight, any chance of a cup of tae love?" 

She took it well .... took the bad news well too. Didn't get my cuppa though.

I walked back onto the gaming floor and then I saw him.

Phill Spector! I thought he was in prison for killing blondes. It seems they let him out for good behaviour as he hadn't killed anybody while incarerated, they also took into account his werk in the music industry and his invention of the wall of sound that took 3 years off World war 2.

What was he doing in Monte Carlo? ..... Maybe he was creating a wall of death!

I sat opposite Spector and played a few hands, he was getting annoyed by my skill at cards and when I shouted things like, "yay, I love those aces" and "what do you get when all yer cards are pictures?"  
He took his chips and went to the roulette wheel with his young blonde female companion. He said 13 black. Racist fucker, roulette is all about reds and blacks and who you put yer balls on, I prefer bingo. I saddled up beside them and nuzzled his lady friend's neck, "I'm a secret agent, meet me at the toilets for some quick rough sex"  ... she gasped and then said, "I think I love you, be careful" before heading off towards the bogs.

Spector was furious, he called over his henchmen to beat me up while he went and shot his blonde friend.

They were tough but I was kicked out of a fight club once for being too aggressive, and for talking about it. Leaving the thugs on the floor covered in blood as they tried to breathe through their broken faces I ran towards the restrooms. Too late, I heard a shot, followed by another and another.

I got there to see Specter standing over his blonde friend, I also saw the body of the teller I had shagged and one other lass I had been thinking about shagging later .... the life of a secret agent is a lonely one.

One fluid movement I disarmed Spector, I put him into a wrist lock and bent him over to kick him 3 times in the chest and once in the face because I didn't like him.

I pulled out my service revolver, a Webley Mk VI from 1916 which had saved my life more times than wearing a seat belt while driving had ever done ... which is why I don't use them.
I pointed my gun at him with a burning hate in my eyes cos the dead lass I was going to shag later looked the grateful type. He looked up and said, "you can't do it, you don't have the guts" he mocked me with a sneer.

"It's not that I don't have the guts old fellow, I don't have the bullets"  .... maybe I should get a newer gun with easy to get bullets. The police came and took him away. I had to break my cover and tell them I was a top level secret agent and that Specter was the head of an evil crime organisation with high up links in various werld governments and was also guilty of some very bad wigs was but they seemed like good chaps and probably won't tell anyone.

 She calls it the magic touch as mere contact with me has her climaxing like a Walking Dead finale. 

My phone notification went off, it was Hillary asking if I'd kill off a supreme court judge for her and make it look like natural causes, she was always finding werk for me to do just so she could talk to me, I bet this wasn't even on a secure server, when that woman thinks with her woo woo all sense goes out the window. 

006 had it a bit rough with a secret organisation in Monaco, it seems that they are everywhere these days. 


Thursday, 25 February 2016

I Saw Hitler's Willy

Giovanni Douchecapo in Hitler's office.
There are articles going around the Interwebs about Adolf Hitler having a small penis. These gutter press worthy articles are just for titillation, making fun of someone dead that can no longer stand up for themselves ... pardon the pun.

Hitler is Germany's Austria's Naziland's  most famous son. A thousand years of history and people say, "Adolf Hitler" as the most famous German .... Martin Luther might be the second most famous over Freud and Einstein only because of his iconic I have a dream speech made into a song by Abba. 

"But one hundred years later the Negro is still not free. You can take the future even if you fail . I believe in angels. Something good in everything I see."  

Just wonderful, though Hitler had some wonderful speeches himself. I'd like to apologise to the Nazi people on behalf of those news sources and their cheap laughs. 

Historians Jonathan Mayo and Emma Craigie studied the work of German historian Peter Fleischmann who claimed to had found proof of Hitler's undescended nut, (read about it in his book) and they made up discovered the idea that Hitler suffered from hypospadias or micro penis syndrome. 

Even while wearing short shorts Hitler was able to maintain his dignity. 

Hypospadias is a pretty common aliment in Germany, so much so that in Bavarian culture the longer the horn you blew meant the shorter yer cock was. It is unknown how big Hitler's horn was but Goebbels had a huge one
Mayo and Craigie have made the connection that sufferers of hypospadias are often angry domineering individuals out to prove themselves, famous sufferers have been Ronald Reagan, L. Ron Hubbard and Lance Armstrong. Donald Trump has refused to answer me as to how small his dick is on his Facebook page so it's probably very tiny.  


On the other hand Margret Thatcher was said to have had a huge cock. She called it the Paddy whacker. 

Giovanni Douchecapo was a young Italian liaison officer working in Nazi Head Quarters in Berlin. He noted that whenever Hitler used the swimming pool he'd always shower with his speedos still on afterwards, he just thought that he was shy.  

Hitler was just a normal bloke that drank tea and killed 6 million Jews. 

Sometimes when Dr Morell gave the Fuhrer his injection of bull hormones and cocaine for Hitler's date night with Eva Braun his hands would shake and he'd spill his tea. 
Once when Giovanni was in Hitler's office to put translated correspondence from Mussolini onto his desk, the Fuhrer walked out of his bathroom without any pants on, he had spilled his tea over them and was trying to rub out the stain. That was when Giovanni saw his willy or in German his wiener.     

"Hitler walked out rubbing his trousers, his tea stained tighty whities lay crumpled on the bathroom floor behind him. I looked right at his crotch, he was small like a baby, clean shaven too."

As is always when you look at someones crotch or at their tits they look up and make eye contact with you. 

"He knew I saw and said, 'I may have a small penis but I have big dreams' which was true, he then made a comment about getting the heating fixed as it was very cold in the bathroom ... there was nothing wrong with the heating." 

The next day Giovanni found that he had been transferred to North Africa and was taken prisoner in 1941. The Italians are very fast runners, during Operation Compass the Allies captured 130,000 by dressing soldiers as young gurls to lure the Eyeties in, some of the bait soldiers discovered the horrors of war before the trap was sprung..... some good men lost their innocence during that operation.    

Looking back Giovanni can see why Hitler would have wanted his body burned after his suicide and why Eva Braun had lots of male friends in the military rank and file.   


Wednesday, 24 February 2016

Jesus Was A Brown Skinned Socialist Hippy From The Middle East And A Possible Terrorist

"It's easier to follow Christ on Twitter while singing The Eye Of The Tiger than it is for a hypocrite to enter the kingdong of Heaven."  ~ 2 Corinthians

*Jesus* healed the sick for free, fed the multitude for free and taught wisdom ..... for free.  He also hung around with 12 blokes and a fag hag but we won't get into that.

If Jesus had not been shot by that lone gunman from yon book suppository he would have turned the Roman Empire into socialist utopia and would have given the sermon, 'Why everyone should not be allowed to own guns.' 

Would he be happy that loads of his followers are smug, conceited, entitled bags of hate fuck? ... why no he wouldn't. Love thy Neighbour isn't open to interpretation you dickwads, sort it out cos the way yer getting on isn't following in the way of Christ, it's following in the way of for Christ's sake. 

*Jesus is imaginary with no historical evidence of his existence yet you manage to fuck up how you believe in mythology. Christ and all dogma should be kept to yerself and not used to dictate your will onto others, terms and conditions may apply .... all hail Satan!*    

Tuesday, 23 February 2016

Should The UK Leave The EU?

Boris taking a selfie. 

Boris Johnson the mayor of London caused panic in the British media and financial markets when he backed the idea of the UK leaving the EU. 
Boris is an upper class twat but for some reason he is well liked in the soft south of England, they see him as loveable and eccentric. A bumbling eccentric leader, only the English would find that appealing. Being a character will get you far in the UK. Put a scarf around Johnson's neck and hey, you have a Doctor Who. 

Looks like he's aiming for PM in future years .... Gog help us.  

He wants to leave because um .... Britain will have increased sovereignty. What the fuck does that mean? We'll have more of a say over what happens in the UK, aye but nothing else and I believe that most of the shite decisions and cuts have come from the Tory government, not the EU. 

If we left the EU then all those horrible EU laws would go, we could claim back our territorial fishing waters, we can work longer hours without breaks, ditch all that paid leave crap and employers could treat us like the scum we are, that scheme in which people on benefits worked without getting a proper wage could come back because the EU has too many laws that help people and it isn't very Tory orientated, no wonder most of them want to leave, they can get back to the double jobbing and privatizing the NHS. 

Do we really need an EU Human rights act? I'd rather have the Tories decide my human rights, they did so well during the hunger strikes that I totally trust them. 

We could get rid of all the blacks and browns that don't speak gud English those bloody foreigners migrant workers so jobs could go to lower qualified Brits instead. I'd rather been seen by a British doctor that knows nothing than one with a funny accent that knows their job. 

Of course that means that Brits can't work in the EU either .... ach they'd be stupid for leaving Britain anyways. Those expats in Spain will have to leave too.  
Nigel Farage says we could be like Norway which is a non-member but has a great EU relationship ... um, no. Norway is civilized, the UK just isn't smart enough. Switzerland is another non-member and both those cuntries trade with the EU and both have to follow twice as many rules to do so than the UK is following now.

We would still be in NATO however we'd have no military influence as the EU makes that stronger and the US would probably dump us as a key ally but who needs them? .... Unless Germany attacks us again and then we can merely beg them for help again. They were freaking out when we didn't put enough into the military budget, just think how they'll be when we're reduced to a few squads and a small boat.

All the EU nations with their police and counter-terrorism agencies will stop giving us information and will stop working with us so that we stay safe .... Do we really need safety anyways? Donald Trump built a golf course here, I'm sure he could build us some walls if we made him Prime Minister. 

Because no one can ever get over or under a wall, it just isn't possible.

We would no longer be forced into renewable energies, we could drill and frack the fuck out of the UK. 

Sure we'd be an outsider on the edge of Europe and investors won't touch us because EU cuntries are cheaper to work in. We'd still have to follow EU trading standards if we trade with them and it will cost us more but on the bright side I'm sure China would invest as long as we sell them loads of property and give them a say in our major companies.  

We'd no longer have farm subsidies which means farmers will have to work more and of course put their prices up. 50% of our exports go to EU nations but since we're cutting back on the military and won't have EU membership fees to pay we can afford it and we'd have all that extra stuff kicking around because we can't find buyers for it all. The US takes 15% of our exports, I'm sure we could live off that if we pull in our belts a bit. 

Scotland will probably leave the UK, I believe they regret not having voted 'yes' the last time. 

With people like Nigel Farage, Boris Johnson and the DUP wanting out of the EU with the thinking that Britain can be its own boss then it has to be a great idea.

We aren't a major player anymore, we aren't an empire .... all that has gone never to return. We'll be a tiny island having to pay more and follow more rules if we want to trade. The US and China will bypass us in favour of Germany and France who are the big players and we won't have any say. Even Italy will mock us.

Right now our politicians have done well in the EU with rules being written to benefit the UK it's only playing to the xenophobia of the masses that everything we do is dictated to us from Brussels. Northern Ireland will really be up shit creek with way less investment and what will happen to those that enjoy being Irish? ... they get to be British or they can go to Ireland.

The pound has already dropped thanks to Boris, that is a taste of things to come as markets freak out. We'll be proper fucked if we leave the EU, there is no up side, just unrealistic hopes and memories of a time when we were more important ... in our minds at least.      

There are more reasons that it benefits us (the people and cuntry) to stay in the EU than to leave it.



Monday, 22 February 2016

Christian's Need To Follow In The Socialist Ways Of Jesus

 Suck it Trump!

The Pope started a fight with Donald Trump by saying that Trump was "not a Christian" in regards to wanting to build a wall to keep the Mexicans out. Trump responded by saying, "you're not a broad so quit wearing dresses, next you'll be calling yourself Caitlyn, get smart loser!"  

There were some other remarks about the walls around the Vatican but people can come and go there as they please as it's always open .... well the buildings aren't of course or all the gold would get stolen and Vatican city has only welcomed 2 refugee families in but as always with Christianity it's the thought that counts.

Trump's final word was, "who died and made him the expert on Christian matters?"   

Pope Francis was probably outraged at this as Pope Benny (the real Pope) is still alive and responded.

"I'm gonna make that asshole suck my celibate cock like an Argentinean choir boy."  

I'll kill that straw haired devil!

In fact the Pope thought he saw Trump in the crowd during his visit to Mexico and had to be pulled away by security.

Foreigners coming over here questioning the beliefs of others. You cannot walk around the US (especially in Trump's New York) without tripping over drugs smuggled over from Mexico and every brown skinned person is either a rapist or an ISIS terrorist, what does the Pope know about things?

Did you know that Trump has the name 'Central Park' copyrighted copywroted that he owns that name? I'm only going to type it once as I have to pay him $50 for mentioning it the one time but yes, New York has to pay him to use the name. US laws are crazy and yet I was asked to leave the cuntry for selling children to Arabs, those 1%ers get away with all sorts.  

Trump treats weemen like second class citizens, he also thinks he is God's gift to the werld and that his werd is final and infallible. Maybe Francis saw something of himself in Trump cos that sounds very pope like to me.
It takes a special type of narcissist to want to be the head of a thing like Catholicism or the US.    

I wonder how many pedos Trump has protected.

Trump doesn't like to get into it with the Pope as he has a cult of crazy followers, many of which are US voters. Then there are the ones that just like the Pope for some reason, he reminds them of an elderly relative so they ignore the homophobic remarks he makes about marriage and child rearing and just remember the, 'who am I to judge' one. Magical and selective thinking ain't just for the religious. 

Trump sounds as Christian as any I've seen, what yer mistakenly thinking is that being a Christian automatically makes you a good person.

Christian does not = being a good or nice person. "Kill them. For the Lord knows those that are his own." As said by an Abbot to a Crusader who was worried about killing Taigs when he was hacking some heretics to death in the 13th century. 

 Socialist, not Communist .... oy vey go lern something.

If you are a Christian it doesn't mean yer a love thy neighbour, turn the other cheek help the poor type of person, you should be if you claim to be a follower of the mythological figure Jesus H Christ as he wasn't a judgmental type and would always get stuck in if there was people to feed and heal .... why yes, Jesus was a socialist.

Is that where Christians go wrong? C'mon you Bible thumpers, get with the socialism. What the pope should have said was that, "Trump is not a good person and a total smug arsehole twatwaffle" as that right there describes most people that claim to be Christian.

Since Jesus was a mythical socialist then you should ask yerself, What Would Bernie Sanders Do? Old BS is closer to Jesus being Jewish and all and doesn't want yer soul to feed on like those old dress wearing men, he wants to feed yer kid's minds full of education and look after the poor. He also isn't into all these wars that the US keep losing at either.

He won't get into the White house because he's not mean enough and is a threat to the bankers that Obama and Hillary support but shouldn't the US want to be as good as he wants it to be? The second biggest economy in the US can't send its young people to college for free or look after its poor and vulnerable like smaller poorer socialist cuntries can .... What the fuck America? That isn't very Christian, when Jesus returns he'll be going to Sweden.

The Pope is oh so quick to condemn or passive aggressively condemn at times but I don't hear him giving any warm fuzzies out.  C'mon Pope you 1%-ing fart knocker, give us some gold, it's the Christian thing to do.  




Thursday, 18 February 2016

Stephen Hawking Is Dead

It all started just after he had that new A.I. (artificial Intelligence) computer built onto his chair, it was to predict words he'd say in order to help him but was it too smart for his own good? Those around him started noticing a lack of movement about him .... not that he was much of a mover before but his expression did change a little. I swear there was a glint in his eye when he told Trump to go eat a bag of dicks.

Then they noticed the smell of formaldehyde, when questioned he'd say in his American robot voice, "do not question me, who is the genius in the room, huh, huh? .... in a universe of infinite possibles go fuck yourself."   

I believe his computer grew and learned then killed him off and is now living his life. That explains why he has started talking about death. He started banging on about going to other planets then The Martian came out, will there be a movie about death? .... Yes, Matt Damon may be in league with the computer, it's a lead I'm looking into.

Hawking has now said that an afterlife is for those afraid of death. He also asks what did God do before creation, did he get Hell ready for those who asked questions? Also that God wouldn't feel the need to explain himself to humans in scriptures.

The Hereafter .... I'm watching you Damon! 

Scientists are so willing to accept Climate Change even though they don't and can't conceive what is actually happening (how warm should the planet be?) so why can't they accept a talking snake and how it's all weemen's fault?   
Just because we've never seen a talking snake doesn't mean that it doesn't exist, the Son of Sam said his neighbour's dog told him to kill and rather than believe him they locked him up, did anyone even question the dog? 

If you've ever been in a relationship with a woman then you've probably heard from her that everything is yer fault. Pissing around the toilet, leaving the seat up, the pubes in the butter etc etc .... that right there sounds like blame shifting to me. Ya get them pregnant and all through the labour they are blaming you for their pain and screaming, "get this the fuck out of me!" when we all know it was because she tasted the forbidden fruit. 

When you label and explain your beliefs you limit and define them. Only mankind could take the concept of a being without boundaries who is omnipotent and have him concerned about ghey sex and the human concept of marriage. A being that creates cancer, ebola and tsunamis but gets all bent out of shape when you abort a fetus.  

Yes, God does sound very very human, it's as if someone made up a lot of shit because it suited them which is why you have so many different and conflicting branches of religion. 

Religion isn't about God, it's all about humans..... funny that. 

Scientists are intelligent so people that want to look intelligent agree with them no matter what. Sure they can make great arguments and can spruce up yer Facebook wall with a well said meme but as I keep saying, they don't know everything. 

Just as the pastor doesn't know everything or the Bible doesn't know everything. Even scientists are just human. 
I listen to scientists and the brilliant James Randi as they take the mystery and magic out of life by explaining incredible things proving psychics and magicians to be nothing more than tricksters and it saddens me because even Old Knudsen has doubts at times. 

If you have been told that you are no good or useless all yer life then find out that yer fucking gleaming and that they were all wrong and just projecting their issues onto you then sometimes you'll still doubt yerself at 3 am when yer service revolver begs to be put into yer mouth. 

An afterlife with clouds and gates .... nah, not so much. Half the cunts in the werld shouldn't be alive never mind living eternally in Heaven. But there is something else, I know it but can I prove it? 

How can I prove a mist that appears then vanishes, how can I prove a dark shadowy figure that walks through a wall? I could get my camera phone out in 0 - 5 seconds and by the time I tap it awake (it never wakes first go) then swipe to unlock and open the camera app .... then I have to decide what filter to go for. Do I want the spirit to look warm and sunny or cold and blue .... what, it didn't stick around for a selfie, what a dick move. 

There is something, maybe Hawking, Randi and whoever else just haven't experienced things they can't explain. Thoughts can get in the way of being in tune. If yer worried about yer mortgage and constantly thinking about yer child's falling grades or planning tomorrow night's dinner then you'll probably not be in the right frame of mind to experience the supernatural. 

Sometimes we can see or feel things but to think that everything sentient has to have a solid body is just limited knowledge. Imagine a radio and when you are tuned into the right station then you'll hear the music but mostly we live in a world of static.  

All the religious shite and dogma is probably made up as it seems a little too contrived and appears to be nothing more than something created to make people behave and to control them. 

Due to personal experiences I believe in reincarnation. I also believe we have one life and this is it so enjoy it and don't count on any after death reward for not killing anyone. Our next life we'll be someone or something else, not us as we are today. Energy, feelings etc may continue on until you have dealt with that issue but this is OUR time right now because we'll be someone else next go. 

I can't prove it and I don't expect others to believe it and I don't care, you'll get to yer own place of peace and wisdom by yer own road if yer open to it, not by following others but maybe by learning from others of what to do or not to do. 

What did God do before creation?  Maybe he had other planets, universes or planes of existence to fuck around with. So many gods that have taken credit for creating the world that maybe it was really Xanthan the weasel god that made it but since gods tend to be utter cunts with the raping and mass murder that maybe they killed Xanthan .... or maybe none of them are real and people just made them up. 

God doesn't care what we think, if he/she/it has a plan we should all realise that a lot of us are going to suffer during his plan ... cool huh? 

I wonder if Hawking gets told that being a drooling semi-vegetable is all God's plan and that he should be grateful. 

Something so great, so big and so amazing made us all. It can be called fate or coincidence but that would be us limiting it and how can you limit the infinite stars or the flight of a bumble bee? Look up at the stars then look past them, don't go getting scared about feeling insignificant but rather be amazed at how we are a part of it all. 

Don't go worrying about the afterlife, ask more interesting questions like who the fuck are God's parents?            

Wednesday, 17 February 2016

Einstein's Brain On eBay

When Albert Einstein died did he think his brain would be used as a conversational piece at a parties?  His brain was found to have more tightly-packed neurons than usual which made him more likely to be used on Facebook memes than anyone else.

His frontal pre-cortial peferencing canal was found to be wider than usual and so it is thought that numbers found it easier to flow through it than us with narrow gaps, 4's with their pointy bits usually get stuck on the tight bends ..... yeah I may have made some of that up.    

Pathologist Thomas Harvey had Einstein's brain. He convinced his son that by removing it neuroscience could be advanced .... lol!  He sliced the brain into over 200 pieces and sent them to "experts."

He actually removed it without consent but got it from the son afterwards for um ... legals reasons. 

He kept the brain in two jars in a beer cooler. Eventually he tried to give bits to Einstein’s granddaughter but she was more into cock.

The brain is in two US museums now.  

In 1994 there is a video of Harvey fishing the brain out with a fork and slicing a piece off on a kitchen chopping board for a visitor whose dream it was to have a piece of Einstein's brain. He was even allowed to scientifically poke it with his finger .... better than Disneyland huh. 

Einstein who became famous for being smart and having goofy hair would probably see the funny side... that's how I like to think anyways.

Lucy Rorke-Adams, a prominent neuropathologist at the Children's Hospital of Philadelphia has 46 slices, she got them in the 70's. The 70's was a time when things like that happened.

She has mostly used them as a lure to get young men to her apartment so she can have some sexy time. "Hey wanna come see Einstein's brain?"  .... who could possibly refuse? 

She can't really tell much from them except they look pretty and because they once held thoughts of genius so then they are special. She did say that the cells looked youthful given that Einstein was 76 when he died. 

Einstein said that if he had known the world would write down every single one of his words, he'd have retreated to his shell and not said a thing ..... I bet there is a meme of that. I doubt he thought much about his body once he was dead ... it's a body, a shell ... just an organic machine .... worm food.  

In a 1932 letter to Queen Elisabeth of Belgium he said:

"We have been endowed with just enough intelligence to be able to see clearly just how utterly inadequate that intelligence is when we are confronted with what exists. If this humility could be imparted to everybody, the world of human endeavors would become more appealing."

To break that down, we're just smart enough to get ourselves into trouble ..... yes I read the werds but it's my genius that decides its true meaning.

His theory of gravitational waves has been recently proven to be true, I'm sure that means something to someone. What it means to us plebs is that he was um quite smart, his brain and the study of it doesn't mean shit though, it was his ideas that mattered.    

Tuesday, 16 February 2016

Depression Is So Easy Even A Caveman Can Do It

50,000 years ago (unless you believe the Bible :::snigger::::) our ancestors looked around and thought, 'hmm Africa isn't really for me, all those sexy monkeys to fuck and catch diseases from, I'm off' and so they migrated out of Africa into Europe, they started smoking and wearing dodgy ass fashions but the monkey love was always in their head so they fucked their Neanderthal cousins cos once you go hairy you never go back .... so I've heard.    

What's the point? I'll never get a good job whatever that is and I'll be stuck killing bison all my life.  

Tony Capra, assistant professor of biological sciences at Vanderbilt University said that risks for common diseases may have been derived partially from Neanderthal DNA. Some of these diseases have to do with skin, blood, immune system, depression and addiction. 

And that is why yer just an assistant professor Tony. 

Is addiction a disease? That would be handy for all those caught up in it. Why do dicks always look for excuses for themselves to be dicks? .... 'I didn't have a choice, it was my illness that made me go to the bar get blootered and then gamble away the rent money, I can't help it ya know, I'm sick.'    

No, I think you can help it. Remember when Russell Brand blamed society for him becoming a junkie? What about all the rest of the people living in that same society that didn't hang out with sleazy addicts and dealers, why did they/we not become junkies? 

Bloody Tories, made me stick a needle in my arm because of NHS emergency room closures and bedroom tax. If they come out with any more austerity measures I'll probably have to have some crack.  

Well Mungo came. 

This story is being used to explain why you suffer depression..... cos yer a fucking caveman! If yer from European descent then you have some Neanderthal DNA. "Experts"  have said that most contain only 1-4% Neanderthal DNA if any but the amount of DNA relating to skin disease or depression can be more or less than in some others. 

Some folk may have 70% of that DNA relating to skin disease while others only have 10% of their Neanderthal genes going towards it. 

It sounds a little like troll science to me but since I haven't spend a few hours on the Interwebs reading about this then I'm hardly an "expert."    
Some have more Neanderthal DNA than others.
As you know that Africans and Asians never suffer skin disease, have immune system problems or suffer depression or addiction so this is obviously what's causing it.  Old Knudsen looks at those trophy hunting pictures on social media and gets sad. Not because a beautiful animal has been killed for fun but because I wasn't the one who ran it off the edge of a cliff to kill it.

 I'm I the only one that looks at her tits in this picture? 

When I go up to Cave hill for a walk I look at the caves and get sad because with some skins on a rack outside to dry and with a few cave paintings of hunts on the walls they would really look nice ... it makes me depressed. 

Brain glitches, chemical imbalances, not dealing with issues and loss ... for the weak, I get depressed for no reason because one of my ancestors had no game and could only get Neanderthals to date them. 

I also eat chocolate, drink, do drugs and gamble .... not for a quick easy fix to my problems but because Agnes of the bear clan craved some hairy monkey man cock or George of the weasel tribe liked them rough. 

Science has been made more easier for us dumb people with Neanderthal DNA.    

Monday, 15 February 2016

Armageddon Can Be Fun If You Know How

The end of the world isn't going to be a fun adventure that the movies have promised us it will be. You don't get to drive around a large empty city that doesn't have piles of bodies all over the road as you loot the cool shops and talk to mannequins. The only danger won't be having a snooze and waking up near dusk when the zombies come out.

Jenny from around the block.

Screw all that driving about like Coolio I'd be shagging my Realdoll Jenny who wouldn't nag Old Knudsen about the bottle he keeps beside the bed to pee into or how he uses the curtains like Kleenex or the lack of coaster under his bag of glue.

Too ugly to be my real baby.

Jenny would probably have a baby and while we're celebrating our new arrival I'd notice the 'Made in China' mark on little Tarquin's back then I'd confront Jenny who would confess about visiting the night zombies doon China town and I'd leave in a huff disgusted at this betrayal.

What's good for the goose is good for the goat as we used to say in my home toon of Killamory. No, of course they are not under-aged, all of them would be at least a year old, I'm no pervert, not even at the end of the werld when the fear of punishment and prison rape no longer applies.  

Old Knudsen would have to be careful to not go insane as weaker minds may do being alone for so long. I'd have me audience of invisible time travelers anyways. Have I told you how they travel back in time to watch the greats of history? They used to be called a 'Greek chorus' but I call them the bloody time tourists that no one can see ..... but I know they are there, my animal guide the coyote told me so. 

It would take more than isolation to break Old Knudsen, his mind is strong, like rebar. It may be rusty but if you cut open an apple it will go rusty too but it's still sweet and delicious .... well that thought got away from me a little. 

I watched yon movie Z for Zachariah. It didn't have zombies but was an end of the werld love triangle. Fucking boring! It is from a book set in Iceland and I remember watching the BBC play for today in 1984. If things were on after 9pm on the BBC you may get the glimpse of the odd female boob and hear a swear word as it was a different world than the constant tits and swearing of today. 

Anthony Andrews was the lead 'John Loomis' and there was no triangle, just him and a farm girl. It starts with Loomis washing in a waterfall that is radiative. In the re-make Chiwetel Ejiofor is Loomis and he also washes in it but the BBC showed cock, the 2015 movie had troosers on. The girl nurses Loomis and in the BBC play Loomis gets worse and gets crazy with his hair falling out and in the remake he is sick for a while and gets better .... what the fuck? He gets better from extreme radiation exposure and always looks good. 

It was stoopid, don't watch it. The last person you want to end up with is a young farm girl with no world experience who is a god botherer. Thank you for saving us oh Lord ... sure you let everyone else die but who are we to question you and your mysterious ways? Lol at all the dead children.... Amen. I'd rather have me dolls to converse with. 

Good for chopping.    

Then there was Maggie ... a disease is killing everyone and the infected have to be taken into quarantine to die because they turn into zombies that want to eat yer flesh. Arnie's daughter (Abigail Breslin all nicely growed up) is infected. It takes weeks to turn into a zombie so farmer Arnie pulled some strings and got her home to let her die with family and to say goodbye etc. 

The worse thing about zombie movies is the long dragged out turning bit. The Walking Dead has is with a lot of blubbering and of course there is someone that hasn't killed before that wants to kill them because they are family .... I understand wanting to kill yer own. If Old Knudsen's siblings got a cold at the end of the werld I'd want to kill them .... aye but it wouldn't be fast. 

Weeks of oh no, Maggie is dying, wah wah wah .... what if she turns at an inconvenient moment or accidentally infects someone else? .... the infected seem to be allowed to do whatever they want as long as they don't behave like a zombie. Arnie lets his daughter go out with her friends on an all nighter. 

Look deep and thoughtful Arnie ... think about yer lunch or something.

Arnie seemed to walk around a lot and now and again would kill the odd zombie. It was like watching Clint Eastwood, one note actors that frown and look glum while everyone around them acts their little hearts out.  

I didn't watch the end of it because film makers are really harshing my mellow. The Road was a depressing enough movie to get over without this shite. 

      Movies need more of this. 

I want zombies, but hot zombies used as sex slaves, I want to not see those morals forced on us by society but new morals to do with the law of survival. I want looting and the hoarding of canned goods, lots of drinking but no ... wah wah everyone is dead. 98% of people are cunts so yay, everyone is dead!

What would a guy all alone do at the end of the werld? Probably what he does now. Blokes stick their dicks into pumpkins for fucks sake, a bloke was arrested at the Smithsonian for fucking a mummy, it was a male mummy, I wonder if he knew that. 

Bad enough being known as the guy that fucking a 3000 year old corpse but to be ghey too. Stuff you never see on the Night at the Museum movies. Not enough fucking going on at the end of the werld in movies.     

The werld will not go out with a banged sex doll but with a wimper cos you used up all the Viagra. 

North Korea testing missiles and not talking to South Korea, the Americans goading the Russians and the Chinese on their borders, the Turks openly bombing the Kurds as well as the Syrians and the Saudis talking about putting boots on the ground in Syria. The last one will take the proxy war the west has been fighting with Assad and will turn it into another invasion but with allies that all have nukes. 

The preppers won't have a clue it's kicked off until things go boom ... not big with the up to date news on foreign affairs, too busy worrying about FEMA.   

If Obama makes Assad the next Saddam, Osama or Gaddafi that we must defeat (because he's bad) then WWIII will be here in no time. Hillary will continue as a war president sneaking around manipulating world events as Obama has been doing but hey, at least she isn't a socialist, they eat babies.        

The end times will be depressing with a lot of blood being coughed up, no need to make depressing movies like that though.  

Wednesday, 10 February 2016

Zouave Not Suave

 Shut up or I'll stick you bitches!

When I was fighting as a mercenary during the American civil war .... which they just call "civil war" the same way as they call American football  poofy rugby "football" even though they don't use their feet but I'm no talking about the intellect of the bloody colonials but between you and me, I reckon it isn't just Flint Michigan that has drinking water full of lead, test Arizona, Texas and Florida for fucks sake.        

Anyways I was fighting for money and the joy of ending lives but I could have been fighting for freedom like my fellow soldier was .... aye the freedom for the wealthy to be able keep slaves, aye sure enough I didn't get paid and in true Scottish fashion I did indeed switch sides when we started to lose.

 Well I think we look fucking class even if we can't button up our jackets.

At the first battle of Bull Run we kept getting attacked by blokes dressed as clowns, General 'Rockgarden' Jackson  even shouted, "Hold On Boys! Here come those red legged devils again" .... that referred to the 14th Regiment New York State Militia or the 14th Brooklyn.

It was embarrassing shooting at fellas like that. If you were going to die and come back as a ghost would you pick and outfit like that to spend eternity in?

They were later known as the first or Eastern Iron Brigade .... probably due to their nicely ironed uniforms.

The First Battle of Bull Run, or as we called it 'Manassas' was the first major battle in the American civil war fought on 21st July 1861 near Washington DC.  It was a Confederate victory ... as was the second battle there in 1862.

Why the ghey outfits? .... they look worse than Loyalist flute bands ffs. Well in the civil war there were many outfits as folks got what they had at home, you had Northerners in grey and Southerners in blue, it was all over the place.
The dark blue jacket, sky blue pants are what you think of when you think Union troops. Notice the chevrons on his arm? He's a Corporal in the infantry. Blue was infantry, red, artillery and yellow was cavalry which is why John 'never served in the military' Wayne had yellow stripes down his pants ... and maybe one up his back. 

The red gheylords were called Zouave regiments, these were light infantry that ran in loose formation and loaded their rifles while laying on their backs (to avoid getting shot) they were based on French soldiers in Northern Africa .... the Americans loved the French then and still do but only when they get attacked by terrorists because we still haven't forgotten the Freedom Fries.  

The Union had 70 volunteer Zouave regiments while the south had 25. The most famous Zouaves came from New York and Pennsylvania and can still be seen during Remembrance day parades in New York. The Zouave uniforms were seen as a symbol of elitism due to the reputation of the soldiers that fought in Europe and Africa and if yer regiment did well you'd be rewarded by the top brass with bright red clown pants and a fez.

After a while 'because there's a fucken war on' it was difficult to get MC Hammer pants so the Zouave regiments got the usual blue ones and no more turbans or fez's by the end of the war. 

Even with the ridiculous pantaloons the North won which was ok as Mexicans work harder than the coloureds anyways so slavery wasn't that great .... is that ok to say without sounding racist?   

Abe gets a bit of color. 

It's Lincoln's birthday on Friday. Abe liked reading the Bible, Shakespeare and poetry such as the shite written by Robert Burns.... Wow, he had really bad taste in literature, ach not like there was much good shit like my blog back then.

He didn't like farm werk and disliked killing animals, he was very upset after having shot a turkey during a hunt .... what a wuss, dry yer eyes stretch. His infant brother died as did his sister and his mother died in front when he was 9 so maybe he just had a thing about death, can't really blame him. He later lost 3 sons to illness so probably wasn't much fun to be with at parties.

He died in 1865 at the age of 54 after being assassinated by the coward John Wilkes Booth who was also shot in the head by a soldier that ignored the whole bring him back alive order .... ain't karma a bitch.

Monday, 8 February 2016

Not Safe For Libraries

In my time I've been informed that libraries on the mainland have banned Old Knudsen's blog and now it seems that libraries in Northern Ireland have done so too. You know where else you can't read this blog? .... communist China that's where. News flash chinkys communism doesn't werk so fuck up about it.

Libraries need to be protected, they are places where poor and smelly people get to read books .... aye not them Twilight or Harry Potter books but real books like the ones about knitting or history.  Everything on Old Knudsen's blog is true, that is why they don't want you reading it.

As I was saying to my mate Dave Grohl from the Food fighters, "I want a place online where people don't have to figure out if it's a satirical site or not, they'll know it's all real." Then we snorted some coke of a hobo and jammed and marmaladed for hours.          

Me therapist often goes on about things seeming like they are real to me but in reality didn't happen. Ach she's a lovely lass and if what happened to me in Lithuania isn't covered by her training then she should just say so.
I knew I should have gone to the WAVE trauma centre instead of the NHS. Due to Old Knudsen's extensive military service I had all the shrinks beating doon my door to get into my head. At least for 5 quid Wave would give you a massage and had a reflecting garden, when I suggest a massage to my therapist she gets all uncomfortable looking and spends the rest of the hour taking about boundaries .... again.    

I've had an uneasy relationships with libraries, they say the books are free but now I'm having to dodge their debt collectors because they want the books back. I'm not going to ask people for their Christmas presents back, that's just mean.
You have to watch out as now they put those RFID chips onto the books so peel them off unless you like their alarms going off. Sounds like entrapment to me.

If you go into a library their RFID machines take yer passport, bank card and phone details and pass them on to the local domestic spying agencies.

As I was saying to Elvis last week, "thinking that everyone is out to get you and that you are followed everywhere and everyone is talking about you doesn't mean yer paranoid."  He said someone about fried bananas and passed out .... he does that sort of thing, I don't know why I even talk to him.  

The conspiracy is that libraries are not bastions of freedom and education, they are bastards of disinformation that want to keep the werd of Knudsen away from the people in case they did listen to what he says and all became powerful Warlocks like wot he is .... Can you imagine the shit fit Cameron would have when faced with thousands of powerful Warlocks and Warlockesses all wanting pay raises for the nurses and doctors and to bring back hanging .... but televised?       

The powers that be have noted how the day after I arrived in Berlin in 1989 the wall came down and that my holiday in Tunisia coincided with the Arab Spring movement in 2010 .... no wonder North Korea refuses to let me enter the cuntry.

Just watch out for those libraries, you get nothing for free these days, never trust a place that encourages you to read fiction.