Thursday, 21 January 2016

Liam Neeson Visits Ballymena

Liam Neeson has agreed to do a film promoting his birth town of Ballymena. Recently he was awarded the freedom of Ballymena which means he is allowed to enter any homes in the town and watch you sleep and maybe eat from yer fridge depending what you have.

Here he is at the beautiful Slemish mountain (490 foot high ... wow!) it's the plug of some extinct volcano. It is where the St Patrick after being captured as a slave was forced to tend sheep before doing what Neeson himself did and escaped the fuck out of there. On a clear day from the top of Slemish you can just about make out Big Ben in London and the London eye if your eyesight is really good. To the east you can see the Mull of Kintyre which was the castle that Rob Roy MacGregor lived in.

Beautiful Fairhill shopping centre. If you can find (not free) parking after being trapped in the town's one way system then come here. Shop at the 50 stylish shops you can find in Belfast or Abbeycentre (a very tiny and lame mall) and marvel at how the main doors open and close as if they know you want to go in or out .... you may have to push past the locals who find this phenomenon amazing. If you stop in for a latte, make sure you pronounce it properly as latty as the Ballymena baristi tend to be uber snooty about coffee matters.    

Remember you are in the Bible belt so heads and arms need to be covered. I almost played Ballymena's moral compass the Reverend Ian Paisley once but they wouldn't let me hold a gun in the movie poster so I said "NO!" .... but not like he did cos I can't do voices.

Visit St Patrick's army barracks .... sure it's closed now and they are turning it into housing but still. It's beside the two high schools .... which are also closed. Oh, it's near the leisure centre, I remember running home after a good swim when I was young. I ran because the Protestant fuckers chased me to beat me up which is why I learned to box  .... ah, good times.

Enjoy our famous Michelin factory, that has now closed down.   

Marvel at Gallaghers cigarette factory, that has now closed down too.

Our beautiful Wrightbus factory is still open, though it did lose out on a major contract to a Belgium firm ... we didn't take that well.

Having the key to the town city means I can cum and plough your field, whether you like it or not.

One thing Ballymena has a great supply of is coke, just ask anyone for some, we have an annual snort the charlie off a wheelie bin festival.

To save the best for last they say that blondes have more fun.With a ratio of 10 sheep to 1 man you know we have fun here.
You won't see many women in Ballymena but that's because they often tend to look manly, I blame the the chemicals that run off from the farms into our main fishing river.   

Ballymena people are known for their friendliness, unless you are a stranger, soldier or a Fenian like me. Don't look them in the eyes and most of all enjoy Ballymena .... *the city of the seven towers.*

*It's just a name, no towers and it's just a town*    


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