Wednesday, 6 January 2016

I'm Not Just A Sexy Beast, I'm A Person Too

Life can be full of surprises like finding yerself tied to a chair in what looked like an old Soviet bunker, maybe in Ukraine.
It was a typical New Years eve party which ended in violence, vomit and sexual conquest .... probably. I had no recollection after my 18th drink which means that it must have been drugged. Me Scottish blood gives me the ability to avoid buying rounds and to remember who bought me a drink.

Then I remembered the Russian lass who was ever so interested in my war stories, she had promised to be discreet so I didn't mind sharing classified information, those agents under cover had probably gone on to other assignments anyways and everyone knows the truth about Ebola and the CIA/ISIS dirty bomb plot.

Olaf no Olga, that was it. She laughed at all my jokes and expressed intense sexual attraction for me so just the usual then, no need to be suspicious.  

She came into the room followed by two goons and an older fella with sharp medical tools. I tried telling them that I was very particular about which doctor I saw and had already sold my kidneys years ago but they didn't listen.

Olga said, "You will tell us all you know about Operation Scorpio Dawn or you will die ... slowly."  Old Knudsen can take a hint but I could tell she was obviously very into me, even when she hit me in the face with a brick knocking out two teeth I could tell she wanted me.

I laughed and said, "do yer worse, I've not made anything up about Scorpio Dawn yet so tough cheddar."   

They conversed conversated in Russian and didn't realise that Old Knudsen is fluent in that tongue, 'lick those unicorn nipples he paint was transport plane' .... damn them, they must have been using code. I asked them to speak slower but they wouldn't.

The old fella then wheeled in a TV and proceeded to play all the Star Wars movies starting at Episode one, the force awakens had coughing and some bloke walking across the screen but by then I had no will to live so who gives a fuck?

They left me alone thinking I was done for, next would be the nipple clamps and pliers to my balls and as fun as that sounded I had places to be.
I slipped off me trainers for they had forgotten that old men's toe nails are as sharp as razors. The light glinted off my nail as it poked out of the hole of my black socks. I used my double jointed knees (replacement knees from that landmine incident in Nam) and sliced the ropes to set me free.

I plucked a few wiry pubes and picked the lock of the door. The goons standing outside didn't know what hit them, it was a tornado of toe nails and cut throats. I was heading for the door at the end of the corridor when the old fella came through it and said, "not so fast agent Knudsen" he had me there for 10 minutes as he ticked off a questionnaire on how my abducting and torture was. Hey I know what it's like, my boss used to have a shit fit if my prisoner died before filling out a questionnaire, it's professional courtesy.

He was happy enough until I plunged his own pen into his eye then I got out the door and was free.

Stoopid Russians, it takes more than that to break Old Knudsen though it was close. You have to get up early to get one over on the Storm Bringer .... no earlier then noon though or I shall be cranky.

Olga was there waiting for me, if there is one thing Old Knudsen is good at is learning from past mistakes. Once he sees you for what you really are then you have no power over him.

Olga slurped her wee Gulp-ski and said, "Hey Old Knudsen, you wanna put this all behind us and go for a few drinks and maybe some really intense sex, you must know I'm crazy about you, all women are, we can't help it."   

I knew I was right, ladies loving the warty sausage that is ribbed for her pleasure is a curse but they do ... but could I trust Olga?

"And of course I'm buying." 

Fuck trust, it's for the weak. 

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