Tuesday, 5 January 2016

If You Haven't Seen The New Star Wars Film By Now Yer A Crap Fan So You Might As Well Read This

A typical Star Wars nerd. 
If you haven't seen Star Wars: The Farce continues movie then stop reading if you don't want SPOILERS otherwise read away yer a crap Star Wars fan anyways if Old Knudsen has seen it before you, you pretend friend of the force.  

Star Trek is and always shall be better than Star Bores. 

I watched it even though it started 20 minutes after the scheduled time, who wants 20 minutes of idiot commercials? If I can drag my sorry ass out to sit in a dark room full of people and their germs then the movie should start when it says .... the cinema is as bad a Doctors for fucks sake. Old Knudsen has issues with punctuality as not being on time shows a disrespect and a broken agreement that should be punishable by death. 

  Why are you giving me that? I can handle myself ..... I know, I'd just like to watch. 

So in a galaxy far far away blah blah blah they are looking for Luke Skywalker for some reason. The First Order of fries or something is doing the same shit as the Empire and they need the Forest Gump of Jedis to save them. 
If he had only stuck to farming he wouldn't have gotten his aunt, uncle and the crazy old hermit killed. 

A young lass named Rey has survived on a wasteland world by herself cos her parents left her there??? something stupid we have still to find out. Without adults she has learned how to fight, speak droid and wookie and many other languages, strip and repair any engine and fly spaceships .... something she has never done until she had to.
She can do anything .... except grow a decent pair of tits. 

I may not be as strong as you grandfather but I shall out staring contest your melted mask.

The Vader type bad guy Kylo Ren prances about menacing with a lightsaber chainsaw and has hissy fits like a sulky teen, you wonder what he looks like under that mask. 

Then he takes off the mask and you go, "ugh, put it back on!" Why the long face? I don't want to think about Princess Leia and Han Solo fucking but this is what the product of their unholy union was. It seems that Leia's DNA messed up Solo's good looks DNA. 

Luke Skywalker fucked up training Ren and he went to the dark side, then Luke went off to sulk .... er to find himself.  More evidence that Skywalker couldn't train a dog comes when Rey picks up a lightsaber for the first time and kicks Kylo Ren's ass. 

Worse bad guy EVER!  Wait till his mates find out he was beaten by a girl with no training, oh that's right, he's force choked all his mates in hissy fits. 

You can extend your hand but for the record I'm the one holding hands with you little missy. 

As for FN2187, he'll turn on you in a heart beat even after a life time of brain washing and programming. Fucking traitor! He's like the George Washington or Bowe Bergdahl of space. 

He gleefully put the female Captain Plasma into a trash compacter .... because it was the right thing to do. Ha ha ha, lets crush the bitch to death.

 Don't worry, Sargent Electrolyte will revenge her. 

Solo and Leia had a rough relationship in which they argued a lot and Solo kept running off to smuggle shit an stuff. The dialogue and acting between these two veteran actors made Old Knudsen cringe. Could they not have put in some CGI chemistry? I swore they were both having strokes. 

Some twats have complained that 59 year-old Carrie Fisher didn't look as slim and young as the 20 year-old she was in A New Hope in 1977. I'd like to see those people after 39 years of substance abuse. I'd be more concerned that her acting hasn't improved. The Han and Leia scenes looked awkward. I bet Ford shouted, "what's my motivation in this scene?" and his agent replied "$34 million and 2% of the profits."

Character development, nope, Han hasn't changed in 39 years. Being a space smuggler may have been cute when he was young but now it's someone who isn't aging well. Hey Chewy I just noticed your crossbow gun, I like it. Maybe his mind didn't thaw out from the carbonite. 

Saying that I bet not even Luke wants a go at his sister anymore. 

Aren't you a little hard to be a Stormtrooper?

People keep saying Star Wars versus Star Trek but we all know that Star Trek is better. Kirk impregnated a chick and didn't bother to keep in touch and his son turned out to be a genius scientist that came to love and respect his absent father, none of this wearing a mask emo shit, ach we'll just blame Luke for fucking him up. "No I won't touch yer private lightsaber master Luke, it's wrong!"   

Captain Kirk died saving millions when he fell off a bridge and broke his hip. Han dies saving no one when he falls off a bridge after being impaled by his hideous looking offspring. There is instant karma was chewy shoots him in the junk for killing his best friend.   

Chewy looked as good as ever by the way, that is what a life time of Ewok flavoured puppy chow and good grooming habits will do for you. 

Ya gotta feel for the Star Wars fan with terminal cancer who got an early showing of the film. He passed on not being able to talk about any spoilers and found out they killed off one of his childhood heroes ... way ta go Disney. 
I suspect there will be sequels with the lower paid original actors still involved. 

 Tupac isn't really dead by the way .... he's just "resting."

Will Han Solo have to hang around with all the other dead losers of Star Wars? Will Leia ever wear the metal bikini again? Will Kylo Ren man the fuck up? Will Finn (FN2187) be called out as a sadistic misogynist? Will Luke fuck up Rey's Jedi training? Will Luke have is 'I'm your father' moment at last? Will Harrison Ford write a book in which his character is brought back to life with Borg technology like Shatner did? .... probably not. Impaled by a chainsaw lightsaber, falling off a high bridge and being exploded into a million pieces is kinda final. At least Captain Picard had something of Kirk to bury.    

If this post has spoiled Star Wars for you then good, George Lucas paid me to write it cos he thinks yer all unappreciative cunts that don't understand his vision.  Take out the cowbell and add moar CGI.