Saturday, 30 May 2015

They Rule And We Deserve It

The Queen made a speech about austerity and how certain services to low income families will be reduced or cut. What many people saw was a couple of privileged pampered people covered in jewels, sitting on gold chairs who are multimillionaires because they were born into the right families telling poor people they'll be even worse off pretty soon.   

The Queen is just a figurehead and is reading a speech given to her by the government. She makes her millions from vast estates given to her by the government and run for her by government employees. This speech only affects her life because she has to pause counting her money in order to give it, she'll probably be due another holiday soon to get over it.

Do the royals pay for themselves? Only during times of royal events and a lot of their wealth is intangible. We only have royals to be different and quaint, 30 million people a year come to see them. If we didn't have them we wouldn't be any better off. When has the government said, "the economy is doing great, lets raise everyone's wages?" 

At least the Pope worked his way to the top .... if you can call the clergy work. He keeps most of the gold out of sight when he says how we should help the poor.

I've noticed that when the Pope says something remotely liberal and progressive the Vatican brings out a statement reminding people of their real stance. Good Pope Bad Pope?

We know he doesn't support ghey marriage and certainly doesn't like gheys going by his past and his actions in the present. After Ireland said 'fuck you Vatican' and voted YES for ghey marriage the Pope made a passive aggressive speech about how marriage is between a man and a woman.... just in case you thought otherwise. 

I don't know about you but Old Knudsen is sick of being preached at and told what to do by self-entitled cunts surrounded by riches and is offended on behalf of the gheys and weemen for this Homophobic misogynist view that they are not to be seen as equals to allegedly straight (and celibate?) males.

If I want to know how to stretch my budget I don't ask the Queen because though it is thought her over all wealth is in the billions she didn't work for it and didn't get rich by using her brains. If I want to know about children and birth control I don't ask some old bloke who doesn't have sex and who has never been a father.

At least Obama is more honest, he isn't interested in helping people, just his country and government which he sees as being separate from the will of the people. If politicians were interested in what the public wanted they wouldn't have representatives voting on things that the nation doesn't even get a vote in.
Lets all vote on the next war, if anyone had asked me if we should invade Iraq or Afghanistan I would have said 'wise up' going by what is happening now the next war has already been decided about so stay tuned for the big one of 2020.  

If you look at politicians you see they are as out of touch as Hollywood actors are. The politicians of Northern Ireland run in upper middle class circles and don't know how to react to people who live on a housing estate. They run their soirees and know that the lower classes (the voter) are home drinking away their benefits while watching Dancing and singing with the stars on ice or some depressing soap. The ruling elite justifying their existence by ruling whether you like it or not.
Imagine deciding that you wanted to be in charge, most jobs require years of working as a pleb and to get promoted by hard work and merit but not the ruling elite, they seem to just decide to do it or take turns when the more aggressive ones have left.

I do have some answers like making cuts, just not ones the ruling elite would be happy with. The cost of those stupid wars could be putting people through college or building new homes. A lot of waste could be done away with by making the tax and benefits system more easier to use and understand rather than sending out constant letters that say nothing and making you jump through hoops because that is how things are done.

Job training schemes get aimed at people up to the age of 25, after that if you haven't found your career by then or your life changes then tough, you are all out of opportunities and get blamed for then being poor. 
The conservative friendly tabloids fixate on those who abuse the system and you get tarred with the same brush and before you know it cuts are made. 

If you want anything like proper healthcare or a replacement wheelie bin from the Housing executive because the one you inherited from the last tenant was cracked you have to match wits, brabble and make things happen assuming you are lucky enough to be able to find a person qualified to make the call because a simple phone call these days can be a long and stressful event to find yerself on hold and then cut off.

There is a reason it was decided that the White House be placed in DC swamp away from the main cities, people (the public) get in the way of things not getting done.   


Friday, 29 May 2015

Obama Tries To Sell Daughter

On what he called a 'fact finding mission' President Obama .... of the USA put his daughter Malia up on WifeBay to see if anyone would be interested. After an influx of offers her ad was taken down after 20 minutes.

Going by some of the comments that Obama responded to there have been speculation that alcohol may have been at play though the president has said that he doesn't drink because "alcohol is forbidden by my relig ... er my wife." 

The president seemed interested in the fully loaded Cadillac Escalade luxury SUV that was offered as a straight swop though being a shrewd businessman he knows that livestock is where the best deals are to be had.

Felix Kiprono a lawyer from Kenya.

The best offer was from a Kenyan lawyer who offered 50 cows, 70 sheep and 30 goats, Obama managed to haggle the sheep from 50 to 70 .... pretty impressive considering he can talk the Republicans into fuck all unless it's going to war.

Felix Kiprono said that he had been drooling over sexy Malia since she was 10 and said, "I will teach Malia how to milk a cow, cook ugali (maize porridge) and prepare mursik like any other Kalenjin woman."

"We will live the simple life without bathing and lots and lots of fornicating, our babies shall be kings and maybe someday I too could be president of the America." 

Another good offer came from Douglas McDougal from Ballymena, he offered 80 of his best breeding sheep for Malia, he could vouch for their quality as he has bred or at least attempted to with every last one of them.  
He retracted his offer when he realised that Malia was a girl.

The president has received wide spread condemnation for the ad from human rights and angry feminist groups .... why are feminists so angry anyways? That's what they get when they worry their pretty little heads with werldly stuff .... yon Mad Max movie will only make them more angry ya know, you shouldn't pander to them. 

Obama issued a statement justifying his actions, "You don't know me so don't fuckin judge me hic (sic) I could lift a phone and have you killed, those assholes that trolled me on Twitter, all gone, they didn't know hic (sic) who I am either."

A White house spokesperson has said that the president is suffering from a bout of flu and to not print his statement and that his computer had been hacked. 


Accidental Genius

If I went by first impressions (which I never do) I'd have Leigh Erceg doon as being a tweaker crack hoor missing a mouth full of teeth but I'd be wrong, she does have some teeth.

Erceg aged 47 (she's had a hard life) was working on a ranch in Colorado feeding chickens when she somehow managed to fall down a ravine. Don't feed chickens while yer on the crack.

She damaged her spine and brain and was diagnosed with Savant Syndrome. No memory of her former life or even her mother, she does no feel emotion, her mood is flat, she sees color when she listens to music and went from being a  lesbian tomboy who loved NASCAR and had a degree in physical education to a tomboy who likes art, poetry and math, some reporters go as far as calling her a genius .... maybe in comparison to journalists.

 Don't expect the math to make any sense ... but it looks good right?As do her sharpie pics.

Many autistic people are born with Savant qualities, that doesn't make them a genius but it does make them different. Erceg can do those spot the difference pictures in record time so she has that memory/exact fact retention ability. She won't be figuring out wormholes and making Stephen Hawking look bad any time soon. 

True story time.

When Old Knudsen was younger he worked in a soul destroying job in a factory, one day a 2 foot metal wheel fell onto his head causing a nasty gash and giving him the afternoon off. 

As my workmates panicked at seeing the blood pouring doon my face I was calm and stoic. I've always been a fan of yon poem 'If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs' so I watched with amusement, they obviously didn't know how solid Old Knudsen's head is. 

I found that I had lost all memories of my former lives except that I was Cleopatra once, I also forgot anyone I owed money to and that I could write really amazing and funny blog posts .... I just refuse to write them cos you don't pay me. 

I also never had a fascination with chicks with dicks before my accident, that incident at yon West Hollywood New Years party was a one off and the video has been destroyed... and the experimenting while in Thailand was accidental .... and that date I went on in Liverpool was misrepresentation of goods which may have led to 8 years of marriage but that's besides the point, nope, no interest at all.  

Is Old Knudsen a genius or just criminally insane? Aye, probably. Thinking differently to others is a blessing and a curse since I know better than you but am always in the minority so no one listens. 

Maybe I should take the advice of others and go throw myself doon a ravine.  

Thursday, 28 May 2015

Free Presbyterian Minister In Denial

Reverend Ian Brown from Paisley's old church, Martyrs Memorial Free Presbyterian Church in Belfast has said that Europe is being punished for being wicked with homosexuality and the rise of ISIS.
The crazy as fuck firebrand Free Presbyterian minister said that God .... the Christian god, is using homosexuality and Islamic terrorism to punish us for our greed, covetousness and wickedness. He even said that the rise of Hitler was all God too.

Usually God would send locusts or frogs but because of climate change he is now sending ... exploding bum bandits????? Beheading bean flickers?????

The gheys and Daesh/ISIS in a holy alliance, doing God's bidding. 

He said in his sermon: 

"That's why the dark spectre of ISIS is closing in on us today from the east and homosexuality closing in from the west."

If I were him I'd do a quick dodge north or south ... no not south, they have ghey marriage there. He blamed the liberal elite (Matt Damon and Oprah probably) for using the "sodomites" for their own agendas and even blamed Barack Obama for being "complicit" in this attack on decency. That doesn't surprise me, that Obama fella is like that.

"They want to infect us with their huge throbbing cocks, giving us just a taste and then making us beg for more, they'll spit in our faces and call us a bad and nasty boy and will use God's wraith shoved in deep until we cry out Jehovah in pain then they'll pull out and explode all over my back with the warm poison of sin but that won't be the end for they'll pass me around like a broken toy as they call out ungodly names like Allah, Allen and Jeff leaving me, er you lying in a pool of wickedness marveling at God's might."    

Someone needs to go back to Sunday school ... and maybe therapy cos didn't they create Satan to blame all the bad shit on?
If God is really responsible for ISIS and even Hitler then I think God really does need a time out. As for homosexuality, no one is making you swallow the gravy and lick the shaft, useless Bill Cosby gave you a drink then who knows what he'll have you do. Daesh will cut yer fucking head off the gheys are not likely to ask you to marry them.

Do idiots like this think ghey marriage is compulsory? ... that would explain all the irrational fear.

I'd love to know what he thinks about the Holocaust but I suspect I already know. Is he drinking from Ian Paisley's Holy Grail of crazy? Well the name says it all, 'Free Presbyterian' free from any sense, logic, empathy and intelligence.    


Run Iraqi Run

The mystery of missing Iraqi army Captain Swali Al-Gump has been solved, the soldier went missing from the city of Mosul in 2014 only to be found earlier this month in Michigan.

It seems that Captain Al-Gump has been running from Daesh/ISIS all this time. It is not known how or when he eats or sleeps and has been giving border patrol a real run for their money.

June 2014, Daesh were advancing towards the city of Mosul, Captain Al-Gump was in charge of 1,500 well trained and well equipped men complete with artillery guns set to defend the city.

Daesh had a pick up truck with 5 guys but intel reports said they were quite big guys. As tensions rose Al-Gump got reports that Daesh were rapidly closing in 30 miles away and just then a desert mouse farted sending the Iraqi army into a panicked rout.    

The first thing you learn in the Iraqi military is that you just have to be faster than yer slowest comrades if you want a good chance of escaping.

General Rickenbach of the 93rd Airborne who trained Iraqi forces 2012 - 2015 said, "The Iraqi fighting man has had intensive training from US special ops, they have the strength and the stamina to outpace the best the world has to offer, the French, the Italians, hell even the Kenyans. If given more resources we could of had them actually able to face the enemy in say 10 - 15 more years, in 20 they may even have fired their rifles at their foe."

Scientists have been searching for a way to disable the fleeing in panic gene but have been unable to catch anyone to experiment on.   

If you see Al-Gump try not to make any sudden movements as he is easily startled. 

Wednesday, 27 May 2015

Blacks With Guns

 Open carry Compton, somebody call the cops.

The way Americans talk about the Second Amendment you'd think it was the most important thing written in stone that thumps basic human rights. The reason it's in the constitution is in case the public need to overthrow the government again. You may recall that America resented paying tax to the king so they rebelled (with the help of the French) and then were able to tax themselves and add tax onto much more stuff including moonshine which the poor hillbillies who fought against the British did not appreciate. 

A well armed militia was actually what kept the slaves from uprising long before the revolutionary war and was actually more important than over throwing the government. The uprisings of 1712 and 1739 really put the frighteners on whitey. 

Millions of citizens are preparing themselves in case they need to overthrow the government. Using the 2nd amendment not to have a well armed militia with muskets but to have semi-automatic assault rifles and tactical shotguns. The slogan 'because we can' is the motto of the National Rifle Association who aim to have countless guns everywhere, unlocked (free) and preferably at child level or sitting in purses and drawers.

What could make the America public over throw the government?  

Lyndon B Johnston  had president Kennedy and Martin Luther King Jr killed and escalated Vietnam, no rebellion then.

George Herbert Bush fucked up the Gulf war, left a tyrant in place and betrayed those who joined to fight Saddam setting the stage for American hatred around the globe, fucking over brown people, not enough for rebellion.    

President Clinton may have been great for the economy but he lied under oath ... not enough for rebellion, Nixon lied, they all lie but not all get caught out. Now Clinton's wife (another liar) is running for preez next year.

George Walker Bush rigged the election and invaded two cuntries that did not pose a threat to the US. He used 9/11 to take away civil liberties and introduce advanced methods of domestic surveillance on the population. 6,840 U.S. service members died during Operation Iraqi Freedom which totally failed, they died for nothing. He bombed Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan and Somalia .... still not enough for rebellion. If you liked those 8 years then vote Jeb in 2016 for more Bush fuck ups because America is not hated enough.

Barack Hussein Obama II increased the US government's ability to spy on the American people 10 fold, increased drone attacks from Bush's 4 cuntries to 7 cuntires, he bombed and is still bombing Afghanistan, Iraq, Pakistan, Somalia, Yemen, Libya and Syria, he may have also bombed the Philippines in 2006 and 2012. He has aided puppet governments to gain power and even though he bombs predominantly Muslim cuntries he still gets accused of being a Muslim .... still not enough for a rebellion though. 

What the fuck will it take? Maybe it isn't about the 2nd amendment and that is just an excuse ... like how people use religion to be dicks. 
It's ok, it must be open carry since they are nice white people.

A black president who didn't live up to the hype and to this day America is divided by race and obviously the social dynamics that go along with that. The honest poor down on their luck white person has turned into a lazy black criminal underclass of poor people probably on drugs ... poor white people? No such thing, I'm not listening la la la. 

There is a race problem in the US which has been ignored for so long because it would be racist to talk about it. The civil rights movement got equal rights but lost momentum when MLK was killed.  There was no one to shame the US and those left played the race card in a pale imitation of a civil rights movement. The U.S. and the world lost big time when JFK and MLK were murdered.

White man's guilt of owning slaves makes people say 'person of color' and gets them to leave out a slave owning ancestor from a family history show as it is too uncomfortable to face. Just mentioning white privilege makes a liberal flinch and apologize for being Caucasian.  You can call a white person cracker or whitey but you can't call a black person nigger or thug. 

You shouldn't need to use racial or sexist slurs to insult or to make a point when the words stupid, idiot, fucker, cocksucking cum guzzler are available and apply to anyone. Only point out racial and sexist traits during satire or to keep the ethnics and the weemen in their place. 

  My place is over Old Knudsen's wheelie bin, do you know your place?   

Now to inform you what yer gun courage is really about. I doubt many gun owning Yanks love firearms the way you'd love a car or a finely made sandwich, Old Knudsen loves them, he may not always know the name of them but he does know the sound they make when they kill someone.   

Even the movies don't want to arm black people.

The only thing worse than the thought of background checks for white people gun owners or having the guns they own somehow restricted in use or number is the thought of black people with guns. 

For some reason white people are sorely afraid of ethnic people. Is it that they fear being treated the way they have treated non-whites throughout history? Luckily Obama is half white and is white friendly/non threatening. More examples of white friendly/non threatening black men would be Will Smith, Denzil Washington and Morgan Freeman .... The Rock is big and mean looking but he's part of the system too.

 Protesting social injustice in Baltimore. 

The riots in Baltimore which were sparked off when a black guy died in police custody were bad enough but it's lucky they didn't have guns. In 1985 the Philadelphia police dropped 2 bombs on a building to get to a group of African-American activists called MOVE who were disrupting the neighborhood with a loud speaker. The police had also fired 10,000 rounds of ammo into the house, and MOVE did fire back.

Two bombs were dropped and the fire department and the police stood by as the block burned killing five children, six adults and leaving 200 people without homes. They said it wasn't safe to help with the fire and shot at people trying to leave. The ironic thing is that Philadelphia (City of Brotherly Love) had its first black mayor then. 

They want yer white weemen and prescription medications.

Imagine the panic if several black folks had guns in public, the white people would shit a brick. A white man can walk around exercising his 2nd amendment rights and a cop might calmly talk to him but a black person will have SWAT called on him.
Sure it's radial profiling as it is naturally assumed that black people come from poor neighborhoods and so must be more likely to be criminals. It's racial profiling in overdrive and every black person gets judged which is not cool. 
If a black parent gives his kid 'the talk' it isn't about sex, it's about how to act when stopped by a cop. 

Bill de Blasio the white mayor of New York got into trouble when he mentioned having the talk with his black son, New York has an aggressive Stop and Frisk Policy. Of course the NYPD do have it out for de Blasio and will use anything to get to him so they accused him of stirring up racial tensions ... not that the stop and frisk policy does that of course.  

A black guy getting arrested for no reason then ending up dead is a valid excuse to have 'the talk' with your young and if you take that as insulting then yer a twat, it's the real world, this shit happens. Driving while black isn't some term made up for a comedy movie it's a real thing.

Movie makers in the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences and the high ups in the police and government tend to share the same skin colour that rhymes with shite.

You can't compare each arrest as the officer and circumstances may be different but white people do tend to get more lee way and softer treatment when getting arrested. 
A cop was commended when he didn't use lethal force on a white guy who had killed and was charging him, of course the criminal's father was a cop but I'm sure that had nothing to do with it. If the guy was black and not related to the P.D. would he be alive?  

 Would black bikers detained by police be sitting with their hands free and texting? 

I've seen enough and know enough of how it works. 

Any Police department may cite the numbers of ethnic officers as an answer to calls of racism but a black cop is foremost a police officer and a black person second ... especially in the eyes of the public. Some idiot blacks will harass them as traitors, they just can't win.

White America doesn't want guns in case they need to overthrow the government, they need them to protect them from black people. It isn't to do with freedom, it's to do with fear. 


Tuesday, 26 May 2015

God Hates The Ivory Coast

Fuck off Derek you fag, I know it's fucking wrong!

Westboro Baptist Church has really lost its edge, remember when we all hated them and wanted them to die in a fire? .... oh we still do? 

Now they are something just to be mocked. Like the bloke in Corn market ... Belfast, handing out Bible tracts and every time someone takes one he shouts "God bless you" or "Hallelujah" or the Jehovah Witnesses who stand like silent smiling statues hoping you are dumb enough to take a flyer ... mock mock mock!   

The Westboro Baptist Church couldn't find Leonard Nimoy's funeral to picket in February for some vague reason. Even though all the atheists had claimed Nimoy as one of them his family fooled the world with a Jewish ceremony. Westboro were quite annoyed that no one leaked the address, I bet they stayed up all night making Star Trek signs an shit. 

The Ivory coast has a fag flag!

Recently during a Westboro protest they decided they didn't like Ireland for giving people the democratic choice for same sex marriage, what the fuck do the people know? Sodom and Begorrah right?   

Americans love the Irish so this hatred did not seem right. They got an Irish flag and danced jigs on it. The people of Ireland looked on bemused (probably drunk) 

They also had a sign that called the flag of the Ivory coast a fag flag ....huh? ... it's not excessively manly but I wouldn't call it a fag flag.

Ach don't worry, Loyalists who spend years hating everything Irish even though ironically they are Irish as were their ancestors get confused too. A football shop on the Shankill Road ... Belfast, had to put up a notice during the world cup to stop complaints and death threats.

No nation or group of people hold the monopoly of being thick as fuck though these days it's safe to assume that religious people and fleggers are really that dumb.

Flegger extraordinaire Willie Fraser saw an Italian flag flying at a school for world something day and ranted that it had become an IRA training ground.   

I hope this post helps you if you are going to slag off the Ivory Coast or the Republic of Ireland as I wouldn't want you looking any more dumber than you already are. 

Monday, 25 May 2015

Peter Robinson Dead

Tired after surfing porn all night Sunday that he had a heart attack on Monday. Yes yes yes all the jokes about 'oh he has a heart?' yeah yeah this is as serious as a heart attack so quit being glib.

Mr Robinson the leader of the DUP has a family you know, they are no doubt worried about him .... being the main bread winner an all.

He was rushed to the Ulster hospital at Dundonald where after a 12 hour 2 minute wait doctors told him he'd had a heart attack and they'll put through an urgent referral for him to see someone that knows about hearts, a cardiologist or an agony aunt or something so keep an eye out in the mail for an appointment letter in the next 2 or so months.... if you are still alive.

And that is why the NHS is so dear to us.  

Edwin Poots and Sammy Wilson happened to be there on the scrounge for any spare pills.  

Other experts (the Internet) have speculated that the Irish referendum for ghey marriage that was passed was too much for him ... what if Northern Ireland were to be as democratic too? How could his party block same sex marriage then? Before you know it weemen will have the right to choose and they'll be having abortions and gheys will be getting married and no children will be born ever again and who would the clergy, politicians and the TV presenters molest?

Some (me) have also claimed that he was fuming about the post that Old Knudsen did that featured him   or that his God decided that it wasn't homosexuality that was an abomination as stated by his wife and backed up by him but rather it was his version of Christianity that focused on hate and his straight marriage in which he sends his wife for psychiatric help after she gives into some toy boy cock is actually an abomination.

God can only take so much bullshit in his name before he starts smiting you know, this was a warning shot. The rainbows over Ireland after the ghey marriage vote should have clued you in.


The Queen Needs More Money

The Queen is suffering like the rest of us. 

Last year the Queen was given her yearly handout of £37.9 million known as a Sovereign Grant, this year it will be increased to £40 million due to the rate of inflation. Of course normal people's wages and benefits don't raise every year, that would be silly.
The money is used in maintaining all the royal homes even though £359,000 goes directly to Prince Philip.

This isn't enough. There have been stories of redundancies at the palace. Four long serving staff members will be rewarded for their loyalty with a pay off and the boot. Porters have had their overtime stopped though they are still expected to port as normal.

The Queen who is worth only £330 million and only gets £7.8 million as an annual salary is facing hard times like the rest of us.
We don't know the exact figures but can guess them from previous years. The Queen costs every person 52p a year but that doesn't account for the millions in security or the people who run her Ducy. (vast inherited estates)  

In 2010 she applied for a poverty handout since she was only getting £15 million back then and her gas and electric bills were costing £1 million. SHE'S A PENSIONER WE NEED TO LOOK AFTER OUR OLD PEOPLE!

The government told the palace that the £60m worth of energy-saving grants were aimed at families on low incomes and it wouldn't look good for the royals to dip into that, thank fuck they dipped into healthcare and education instead and doubled her yearly allowence.

Some money saving tips for the Queen:

She owns horses and 5,300 breeding pairs of mute swans, no need to go hungry.

Prince Edward has always been a bit of a dud, fire yer food taster and use him instead.

Fire the person who switches the lights on and off and use a long stick with a rubber end instead.

Does the royal train really need chefs? A nice packed lunch does the trick.

I know she gets defensive when you mention her 6 units of alcohol per day but if Old Knudsen can reduce his to 27 then she can reduce her's to 4.

Some of her Rubens and Rembrandts can be sold on eBay for a few bob. Who needs 150,000 paintings? The painting/print of yon dogs playing poker is the only one Old Knudsen needs, aye he does chuckle every time he looks at it ... it's funny cos they don't have thumbs hahahaha! Stoopid dogs.

She sends around 45,000 Christmas cards every year, I bet she doesn't get the low cost Tesco packs that give to charity.

In 2013 Prince Charles made £19.1million from being the head of the Duchy of Cornwall, maybe he could chip in and buy her a gas fire or something.

Raise the price of a ticket to tour Buckingham palace from  £35.60 to £50.

The Queen brand could be used to promote sports wear or something. Save 15% on one's car insurance .... whatever that is with Geico.

Not to sound callous or cruel but have those yappy wee Corgis put doon for fuck sake and lay off the poop scooper, the dog walker and the anal gland expressor.

Sell the Iron throne so that Michael Bolton and his rapey son Ramsay don't try to take it, can you really afford a war with the north? .... winter is coming and fuel bills are not cheap.

Award building contracts to the same firms that local authorities use for social housing, the work maybe cheap looking and shoddy but it's good enough for the plebs on benefits ... like you and yer family.

Get Kate's tubes tied, less kids means more money for you.

Quit using yer Christmas message to whine about yer anus horribilus, we all have our secret itches. Be more direct and just say you need more dosh and quit handing out awards and honours to brown nosers and pedos .... have you cancelled yer Christmas card to Rolf Harris yet? That's £2 for a card and 63p for postage right there, he'd probably sell it for smokes in prison anyways.
Some insider info, cancel yer card to Cliff Richard too, he's moving aboard to avoid charges of pedophilia and to not pay taxes for the sunny weather and overseas postage can be dear.

I'd sack whoever chooses the knighthoods and honours anyways since they seem to give them out to serial sex offenders but have somehow missed Old Knudsen .... I have a blog and I'm on the Facebook, how could you miss me?

Don't give out redundancies, accuse the staff of stealing and fire them. The royal bum wiper has rolls of yer silk toilet paper and sells yer dookies on the brown market. Old Knudsen has a full set of the royal collection.

If people were really loyal to you they'd werk for free, test that loyalty or off with their heds.

I hope this blog post helps her majesty, my next post will be about clever shopping and what coupons to look out for. Iceland and Lidl do frozen lobsters, yer diet doesn't have to change at all.          

Sunday, 24 May 2015

The DUP Call For The Great Wall Of Ulster

Peter Robinson leaving church this morning.

Peter Robinson the leader of the DUP in Northern Ireland has called for a wall to be built along the border with southern Ireland to keep the gheys out. 

"In light of their referendum on same sex marriage we need a large wall to keep them out or they'll be coming up here infecting good Christian people with their sin and forcing them to marry homosexuals. I hear that Gerry Adams married 3 men yesterday though he denies it all."

Asked if he thought that his plan would seem a little homophobic to the public he said: 

"It doesn't matter what people think, it's in the Bible ... sure I can't give you the exact quotes but I'm sure it's in there somewhere, maybe at the back, I haven't actually read it but I hear it's very good, like Game of thrones but more rapey."

His wife The whore of Babylon Iris wasn't with him at the service as she tends to writhe in pain when she steps upon holy ground and the screaming and the smoke rising from her is very distracting for the minister giving the sermon. 

The Irish government issued a statement saying that they welcome the building of a wall and if they get a break from all the cock sucking they may even help to build it. 

Saturday, 23 May 2015

Palmyra In Ruins

 Palmyra before the invasion.

The city of Palmyra in Syria has been reduced to crumbling ruins after the top branded terrorist group Daesh formerly ISIS took control of the city this week.

Palmyra today.

Two thousand years of casino and pool fun reduced to a pile of pillars, no one is going to spend money traveling to there now. 

Shame on you Daesh, at least tidy up a bit. 

Friday, 22 May 2015

A Shout Out To All Me Homies

Every day is about Old Knudsen, men want to be him and weemen want to do him ... sometimes the other way around but I just take who or what comes because it's all good and in the werds of Jesus, "It is better to be a giver than a taker but with enough lube the possibilities of love are endless."

Today is Old Knudsen's birthday, he has warts that are older than many of you which get their own telegram from the Queen ... do we still do telegrams? Ach I lost touch with camera phones, why have a camera on yer phone to take pictures of yer ear? I'm no a technophobe, I believe that robots should be allowed to get married and do not think it lessens the sanctity of closed circuits.

If Gog had intended robots to only use male and female plugs then he wouldn't have created adapters.

Being an adult yer presents are usually shite for yer birthday and if everyone you know is dead yer cards dry up like Callyfornia. I stopped trying to impress my postman years ago by sending meself cards but I do still go to the bakery section of Tesco and spray me slobbers over their cakes ... maybe I'll go to Ashers bakery for that this year. When Old Knudsen blows his candles out everyone seems to suddenly go off cake. 

    Can't wait for the zombie apocalypse as choice and consent will be meaningless.

You maybe concerned over the bigger issues like earthquakes in butt fuck Nepal, Daesh in Palmyra or what Simon Pegg said about Sci-Fi being childish or maybe even the rape of  Sansa Stark ... she was asking for it by the way and Ramsay is merely a product of bad parenting and society in general.

Try to drag yerself away from cat videos and selfies for 5 minutes and look at the Republic of Ireland. Today the bog trotters are to have a referendum on whether same sex marriage should be legal or not. Old Knudsen doesn't give a crap about marriage in the eyes of God or what Jesus didn't say but he is concerned about equality, doing the right thing and hates bullies. 

  After a few swigs of this I'll explain to you what the earth custom of turd burgling is. 

Of course I can't depend on humans being concerned for their fellow man ... or woman, it just isn't very Christian. Religion has always been about keeping someone in their place and never about equality. 
Gheys have been happy for too long and why should they have all that disposable income? Let them suffer the ills of marriage like everyone else. Rather than doing the right thing and voting for equality, vote to crush their souls and dreams instead. 

Also it would really show up Northern Ireland which is the only part of the UK that doesn't have ghey marriage, or abortion either. Imagine the south being all enlightened an shit, after years of being compared with Mexico they now make us look bad .... we who riot over a flag being flown as per the Queen's household rules and not when we want to fly it, aye it's difficult to make us look bad.

Like yer neighbour getting a new car and washing it everyday while yer 15 year-old Ford Fiesta collects dirt because that's what is holding it together. 

Never mind winter, here cums a white Christmas.

So Ireland, though I have an Irish passport but cannae vote I'd like a birthday present of equality please.  I'm no going to remind you how many times Old Knudsen has saved the werld or that you'd all be speaking Scroll instead of leprechaun if it wasn't for him.   

No pressure however if you vote no I will rub me blight all over yer potatoes again so you'd have to buy yer spuds from butt fuck Idaho wherever that is. 

Old Knudsen shares his birthday with George Best, Morrissey, Harvey Milk, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, Richard Wagner, Sir Laurence Olivier, Paul Winfield, Dale Winton, Naomi Campbell and Katie Price.   

Thursday, 21 May 2015

Top Of The Pedos

Norfolk police have said that if you watched TV during the 70's and 80's there is a one four chance that you were watching a sex offender.

Of the 1,433 suspects for historical sexual assaults 260 are down as celebrity. 135 from TV, film or radio, 76 politicians, 43 members of the music industry and seven sports people.

 Cliff Richard singing about the young ones. 

That family friendly celeb, the singer you've sang along to for years or that sports star you cheered to victory, yep, probably a pedo or rapist. 

Experts advise you to just prepare to be let down. In the 60's, 70's and 80's it was acceptable to be an arsehole and molest weemen and children but now you have all those leftie liberal laws like the kind that Nigel Farage complains about.

Sir Patrick Moore has worked with NAMBLA UNICEF for years.

In the US no one ever mentions Michael Jackson sleeping with kids and Woody Allen and Bill Cosby have gotten away with their shit for ages, even in India a famous actor ran over and killed a homeless dude 10 years ago and he hasn't seen a day in prison.

Why are we not protecting our stars better? A famous person can't even punch an assistant producer without an uproar, what is the point to being famous?


Why we Vote

Leonard Beattie stood amongst the 3.9 million Ukip voters in the UK and voted for the Green party, he just recently died from a broken heart after hearing the election results.

Weird things have been happening in the UK with the majority of people voting for more Tory action with the rest either voting Labour or Green because it's anything but Tory or the protest vote of voting Ukip. The Liberal Democrats and Labour in Scotland were shown the door.

Voting for Ukip is like staying in an abusive relationship, trying not to see any faults and pretending that everything is fine. I'm dating a white supremacist triple murderer on parole but he's down to earth so it'll be good.

Do people do the right thing? 

I hope the ghey marriage referendum in Ireland becomes the exception but people do not vote based on doing the right thing. Using the argument if you vote this yer supporting equality sort of thing doesn't work ... many don't care as doing the right thing should come with terms and conditions and maybe some form of payment.

What's in it for me? or I have mine I'm alright. 

Political parties don't care, they shift and move with the environment. Ukip in Northern Ireland is against ghey marriage, gheys in general and certainly against abortion for weemen ... 3.9 million voters in the UK can't be wrong, right?

What those 3.9 million voted for was something other than Conservative but not Liberal. The Ukip manifesto has loads of popular promises that would appeal to the everyday life of the common pleb ... of course how could they possibly deliver?

They would have lower income people paying less or no taxes, well off people paying more taxes and somehow make big corporations pay their fair share of taxes ..... you can tell who they are trying to appeal to and it's not people who know anything about finance.

No tax on building repairs or sanitary products .... quirky but popular yet again.

They want to leave the EU and make it harder for immigrants to settle here.

20,000 more nurses 8,000 more doctors and 3,000 midwives from thin air because it's popular.

Loads of other promises like free parking at hospitals, paying more carer's allowance, triple prison sentences for animal cruelty, supporting the fishing industry by letting catch as much as they want, tax breaks for pubs and reversing the smoking ban, no votes for criminals, end multi lingual formatting on documents, remove funding promoting multiculturalism, a two-state solution to the Israel-Palestine conflict, restore the military to 2010 levels, keep our Trident nuclear subs, build 1 million new homes in 5 years, give medals to all veterans, build homes and give jobs to veterans .... all very nice for the common pleb who don't like thinkin.

No bring back hanging for pedos?  

Aren't you supposed to moan and groan more? 

No sex education for primary school children, let them figure it out from porn like the rest of us. Yes Old Knudsen did rent out ghey porn by mistake ... uh yeah, a total mistake.

Of course then there is the Ukip support of fracking and bringing back the coal industry .... very forward thinking and environmentally friendly.

3.9 million people voted for Ukip, a party that likes to stagnate in the past and is against ghey marriage and abortion ... oh but that is just in Northern Ireland right? ... like I said, people won't do the right thing for the sake of doing the right thing but Hitler Ukip has gotten it right in blaming others.
If you have someone else to blame such as Liberals and Immigrants then the people are most likely to vote for you because fear and anger is a more powerful tool to use, especially in a dissatisfied population.

Britain First the racist neo-Nazi group of tossers endorsed Ukip for the election so that should tell you something right there. I'm sure the EDL and other so-called patriot groups voted Ukip too.

If you enjoy pub life, aren't told too much about the real world and don't care about it, think yer children should grow up like you and that flying a flag makes you patriotic then you've found yer people.

Tomorrow when Ireland votes for or against ghey marriage I suggest you vote for it, not because equality is the right thing to do but because it will make the gheys fucking miserable as soon as they get yon ring on and their same sex spouse gets fat.   

Wednesday, 20 May 2015

The English Don't Understand Patriotism

Beryl McNichol a 71 bitter balls has said "it was as if she were living in a communist country" after the Mansfield (England) District Council told her to take doon her proud patriotic flags from her 18ft flagpole she erected on her allotment plot.

An allotment plot is a little communist too, local people who don't have a garden are allocated a plot to grow veggies or flowers on .... no flag poles, rocket launch pads, no meth labs, no cannybis just good old legal marigolds and turnips etc. 

To keep the wogs and other foreigners in their place she also flew a Ukip flag coming up to the elections. Despite being told to remove the flags as they were not a part of the allotment agreement sneaky Beryl flew a 'Lest We Forget' flag on VE day .... she's old, some people tie knots to remember and others fly flags. It's a little like praying in public to one upmanship all the half arsed cunts who aren't as holy or as patriotic as you. Shit that isn't worth doing unless the world sees you doing it.


I voted, I went to the gym, I helped lil Jill with her homewerk, I went to somewhere swanky, I grew a turnip. 

Ach white people are so insecure, with the public displays, thank fuck for blogs, Twitter and Facebook.  

Beryl proudly served her cuntry, what have you done ? ... well when I say served she was a school dinner lady for 3 years but that still counts, she's seen shit.

She says the flags give you a moment of reflection and how with the Nepalese earthquakes she'd fly it at half mast as that beats actually donating to a charity there. Old Knudsen has said several prayers for the people of Tibet, no don't thank me, it was the least I could do.

No offense Nepal but you don't rate a half mast flag, maybe if Sean Connery died or something, he is as foreign as the Ukipers can stand.

Stoopid English, they know fuck all about how to be proper British.

What you do is not worry about no ghey flag pole, you get yon fleg up on a lamp post or some post with phone lines or power cables then you let it rot because being patriotic isn't about respect, it's about showing others yer better than them and this is yer cuntry.

Dogs pee on things real British patriots put flegs on things an burn shit. 

In Northern Ireland we love our flegs and know all about British culture. Beryl did get the soldier thing right though, we British only like dead soldiers to mourn over, living ones ... not so much as they might not agree with us.

Nothing stirs yer patriotism more than a UVF parade. In the early 20th century the original UVF (bigots not terrorists) were so loyal to the crown that they were going to make loads of dead British soldiers to mourn over if they didn't get their way. The UVF were then sent to fight in WWI that just happened by coincidence to be a slaughter known as the Somme .... I'm sure the English generals didn't mean to get rid of all the Ulster trouble makers who were not very good soldiers by all accounts.

Since then the UVF stick to wearing masks and killing civilians as the military is way too dangerous. Every time someone on the telly suggests bringing back national service in the military a Loyalist shits themselves. 
The tradition of wearing of the fleg in yer under cackers is something stoopid Sassenachs like Beryl wouldn't understand. The underwear isn't padded, they keep a wee bottle of ecstasy pills to sell on route ... it's tradition! 

We cannae speak English very well and the English hate us more than they hate the Welsh and the Scots but we're better at being British than they'll ever be. NO SURRENDER!!!! .... except when it's cold out or when I have a bad back.