Tuesday, 22 December 2015

What Did Jesus Look Like?

Sorry bro, you just don't have the looks to the the messiah. 

Everyone knows that the story of Jesus is not historical fact ... it's just FACT, fuck yer lack of all evidence, we believe that some sandsavage could walk on water, resurrect the dead, fly faster than a jet, work a catering truck and home brew wine for events and parties. Defeating the Joker and the evil General Zod,  Jesus went on to become a household name often called upon when you stub yer toe or drop something.

A Retired medical artist got fed up with day time TV and so using forensic techniques and passages from the Bible he crated the real face of Jesus.

Dr Neave and his team X-rayed three Semite skulls from the era and made him look like what a Middle Eastern Jew from the Galilee area of northern Israel .

Yes, he would have looked like a mildly retarded and quite shifty neanderthal. In today's terms he looks like that fella that doesn't speak English and pretends to be dumb so he can stand close to ladies on the tube and feel their boobs. The whole 'healing the sick' lark was probably just a ploy to cop a feel.

I know that when I feel ill I always call a carpenter, no one knows human physiology better than a chippy. When I need therapy I go see an electrician.   

Jesus was actually one of the better looking disciples, the people didn't really take to Mary's actual son whose name was Jude with his surname being Uss.

When the Romans came to arrest the messiah they grabbed the one that looked the part and nailed him up. Jude Uss felt guilty about it but not enough to speak up .... he's shifty, not dumb.

In the end the son of God felt so guilty that he hanged himself which meant he couldn't get into Heaven as God doesn't believe in depression and thinks you just need to suck it up.

400 odd years later Emperor Constantine saw the times changing and so had a competition for writers to retell the story of Jude Uss but with more umft! Constantine was the JJ Abrams of his day. 

One of the rejected versions was a little like Avengers assemble with the super disciple team taking on a Roman cyborg army but Constantine didn't like the Romans looking like the bad guys so they made it into Jews who had been taken over by aliens. Hitler would later use this rejected scripture to turn the German people against the Jews in the 1930's.

The writers that won have been criticized for stereotyping women as either sluts or mothers but this was at a time when weemen knew their place. The writers didn't want to include the messiah's wanking in public fetish, in fact there is little that actually describes what kind of person the son of God was. A man of love and peace .... until his return as then "he shall execute the severest judgement on the opposers of his truth."
Soo, something to look forward to. It's been 2000 years, I reckon he's fucked off to Jupiter or something. 

So the Romans, rebooted the messiah but made him Jesus instead of Jude, also white and attractive and so it becomes the much loved super true factual story that we know today.

Archeologists have backed up the story of Jesus by once finding a piece of stone with the name Jesus on it, they misspelled it Yeshua but close enough. They also found a couple of large urns that might have held wine that was made from water .... what more proof do you need?   

To be honest, now that I know what he looked like I think I'll be directing my prayers to gun show Thor. 

I'm not racist .... but. 

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