This will hurt and there is no logical reason to do it ... we aliens just love this shit.
Yep it happened again. Old Knudsen hasn't been abducted and probed since yon party in West Hollywood. I had missing time then and me hole hurt like fuck but this time I remember everything.
Aye Trump goes on about closing our borders to Muslims when he gladly accepts campaign donations from evil aliens set on werld domination. They want to frack, drill and pollute this werld to weaken and control the populace who are to be used as food. 1% rulers, 5% workers and 94% as food ... the other 4% will be bloggers, cos the werld needs bloggers.
You think Old Knudsen is insane? I can invade yer dreams and kill you with the power of my will but I don't so quit with the judging and look at the evidence. Have you ever heard of homeless people near Buckingham palace, the White House, near Bill Gates' house or Mark Zuckerberg's tree house mansion? ... the only hobos you'll find there are the ones on the dinner plate.
I was lifted by some kind of beam straight out of my living room. I soared higher and higher towards their battle cruiser that was orbiting Earth. You know what? You can't see the Great wall of China from space, what a loads of bollocks ... you can see their smoggy pollution though.
The only man made thing you can see from space is the glow from Donald's Trump's fake tan. A wonderful man, he says what he thinks, just like Old Knudsen and when he isn't lying through his teeth he is soo honest, just like Old Knudsen.
Maybe that is why we don't get along, too similar, within 5 minutes we're arguing. Oh and probably the fact that he's a racist full of shit moron too. It's like being in the SS all over again, blah blah blah the Jews are animals stop letting them go ... we're all fucking animals you Nazi shite, ach the pay was good and the uniforms looked dead smart but they were messed up people.
If his head is anything to go by this is really gonna hurt.
So I find meself on the space ship, strapped face down on a table, me natural wit and charm couldn't persaude them to release me cos they spoke in alien. I even spoke loudly and slowly but I think they might have been mentally retarded or something.
I told them that if they put anything up there they'd better have a mop handy for all the bloody gravy ... did they listen? No they didn't.
I started screaming in pain, there was a gravy wave then they started screaming and before I know it I black out.
You never get used to black outs, waking up in someone's home covered in blood makes you think on yer feet, not everyone has a plastic tarp and a bone saw in their homes, you have to improvise.
He is oiled up and ready.
"Captain to the anal room!" What? .. did I hear right? I open my eyes and see I'm sitting in my living room watching the original series of Star Trek. The smog of cigarette smoke, check, the smell of stale piss from my
wide mouthed bottle patented portable urinal, check, farts that smell like eggs and old beer, check. The aliens couldn't trick me with all their advanced technology, Old Knudsen's senses are as keen as a bum sniffing dog at an airport.
Feeling the burn from me hole and a wee pool of gravy .... fucken aliens! I reach doon and find my Tom Cruise butt plug, I wondered where that had gone to. The alien probe must have dislodged it, Hammie the hamster shouldn't be too far behind. I think he kept alive by eating the cucumbers and carrots though I haven't felt him for the past 3 weeks, I'm starting to get worried.
I hope my post has taught you something valuable. Validate and love those around you cos you never know who'll be taken up and bum probed and they may not be as strong minded as Old Knudsen. The police are always coming to my home to ask me about people who have disappeared, I've no idea why they think I'd know except for my vast and dangerous intellect and knowledge about many things. Obviously it happens a lot.