Thursday, 5 November 2015

World Profile #2: The French

France is a beautiful cuntry with green rolling fields, meandering wide rivers and a large open sky full of diamond like sparkling stars .... totally wasted on the French people.

Socrates said that the French made love with their tongue and fought with their feet but he had issues, he was bitten by a Frenchie as a child. It's not known what the French think about Socrates as they don't speak English. Well actually English is taught in schools and is their second language but the French just refuse to speak  it as they enjoy how ghey British people sound as they try to pronounce French werds. They all know how to speak English fluently.

Stubbornness is just one of many charming traits the French have, apathy is a national past time as are sudden outbursts of impotent rage. When Hitler invaded France during WWII the French shrugged and said, "let him have it," they only formed a resistance to the Nazis when curfews interrupted their cheese and wine nights.      

French weemen are famous for their great beauty and style. Their standard of hygiene is different than other nations as they find cigarette, alcohol and garlic breath arousing and often go months without bathing, using perfume to mask the smells.
French children start smoking and drinking aged 6 - 7 and there are no virgins in France over the age of 9. Getting gonorrhea is a rite of passage moment and there are drive-thru abortion clinics. 

Famous for their dry bleh pastries that don't taste like anything they are also known for their cheese and their love of eating garden pests and small amphibians probably covered in cigarette ash, garlic and dipped in wine.
The French have a strange way of looking at food, the French werd for apple is pomme, which is ok but then they call potatoes the apple of the ground, (pomme de terre) that's as bad as the Mexicans calling Iguana's the chicken of the tree.   

The French are famous for loving life, just not British lives, British lives don't matter. France can be compared to an ungrateful teenager whose life you've saved twice but they are deeply resentful about it. A hard working people the French work a 3 hour week but those 3 hours are very hectic with only an hour for lunch. The average French person retires aged 50 and if they don't they go on strike and burn things.

 Asterix the Gaul, one of France's greatest heroes. 

Famous for being great warriors their hey day was when they nearly won something under Napoleon. A famous tactic the French use is luring the enemy in and making them think they have successfully invaded but in reality the French are silently mocking them, this tactic was first used against the Romans who didn't have a clue as to what didn't hit them.

Another French hero was a young peasant gurl who heard voices in her head. Only the French would not give a fuck so much as to follow a young crazy chick, even they got sick of her cray cray and gave her to the English to burn. Some nations give you medals .... ah, the French. 
As well as being resentful towards British people the French also hate Americans and non-French speaking Canadians, their refusal to bomb the fuck out of brown Middle Eastern people is very telling, they will however expect to get rescued should the shit hit the fan. France is like that friend who gets you into fights with his big mouth ....  yeah you walking you chicken shit.

The French believe themselves to have a continental style that others lack just because they call their pubs "cafe," if you go to a cafe in the cuntry you may be expected to take a stylist dump into a hole in the ground. Much in the way some weemen hover over the toilet seat as someone with a hidden camera once told me.

If garish and tacky are stylish then the French are indeed very stylish. If you enjoy being looked down upon, finding armpit hairs in yer sandwich and seeing children with more game than what you have then France is the place for you.      


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