Tuesday, 24 November 2015

Jim Tandy: The Man Of The People

Looking around at the politicians of today I give to you Jim Tandy, the politician that the people deserve. He isn't running for the White House this time round as he has a few drug and hooker scandals he wants the public to forget about but in 2020 (assuming the world is still here) he'll be the next president of the US and maybe the world.

Raised on a small 500 acre farm in Virginia he was sent away to military school where he became a top ranking cadet earning several medals for neatness. His biggest regret was having to get 3 military deferments for serving in Vietnam as he was attending university then he developed a weak knee disorder which prevented him for serving. In his memoirs he he says that though he has always liked war with WWII being at the top of his favourites he feels as if his days at military school made up for not having served.

He married his sweetheart Thelma who he met at college and they had two girls. He settled down as a small town lawyer in mergers and acquisitions for Haliburton, he later became CEO of Tandy Plastics which provided toothbrushes and soap dishes all throughout the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq, he got the medal of freedom for his help in the wars.

He is now a Republican congressman for Virginia and here are his policies.

Gun Control: My finger is my safety, that is the only control we need. If the people of Paris had guns they wouldn't have been killed, if the children and teachers of Sandy had guns they would still be alive today. I have a gun strapped to my ankle and if someone with an AK-47 came here and started spraying bullets and throwing grenades I'd grab my snub nosed 38 revolver and my military training would kick in and I'd kill him. How many lives would I have saved in my wet dream fantasy in which I am the hero? Look, I'm getting hard just thinking about it.

Same Sex Marriage: I believe in live and let live but Jesus said that marriage is between a man and a woman, how cam fags have children? It doesn't make sense. You aren't born gay, Bruce Jenner is a Christian, Republican who believes in marriage, he was married 3 times ... to women! It was Hollywood and coffee enemas that turned him weird.

Abortion: Killing babies isn't right .... unless it's during war which is totally different. If women stopped believing the liberal agenda against American values and understood their place in the world then this country wouldn't be in the state it is now.

Healthcare: Anything Obama has done is wrong and those millions of Americans who didn't have healthcare were happy before he came along and forced it onto them. That's something that Stalin would have done.

Economy: We have a whole workforce of strong Americans that don't have jobs, put them to work in construction of pipelines and walls to protect our borders, pay them in patriotism and pride.

Immigration: America is a white Christian nation so send these foreigners back to their own countries. The statue of liberty says tired and huddled masses it doesn't say anything about foreigners or gays. This will end the persecution of us loving Christians if we are selective about who live in the US.

Refugees: We need a national database with every Muslim in it, some might call this racist but when they are screaming "Ali Baba" while trying to blow up a school bus full of unarmed American children they'll think twice. While the wars are going on maybe we should also put Muslims into camps, we did it in WWII and the only ones that complained then were the Japs cos they couldn't hara sushi us in our sleep. Remember when the Trojans took in refugees? If we don't learn from history we are doomed to repeat it. If they don't like it that can go back to Islam because this is free America! .... Also we can't bring refugees/potential terrorists over because it's too easy for them to get guns. 

Afghanistan and Iraq: I voted for the wars because I believe in wars. It's Obama's fault we haven't won so send over more troops including all those homeless vets I hear about on social media and bomb everything until it's free. We shouldn't be arming moderate Islamists, we should be arming everyone or we'll never make any money out of this. We need to fight them over there so we don't have to fight them here because everyone here has camera phones and wouldn't understand why we kill who we kill. If you don't support our troops as they invade and terrorize people we have no business terrorizing then you don't love America.

Patriotism: I would give my life for this beautiful nation, I wouldn't pay higher taxes as that's unAmerican, nor would I enlist in the military because of my knees .... my children probably have that too so they can't enlist either. It's every American's duty to serve its nation by buying several guns, waving some flags and not educating themselves too much. As I always say, "Commies don't listen to country music."

Socialism: The disease of the 20th century. Paying poor people to be poor is stupid, we need to cut Welfare programs before we become like Europe. Hitler was a socialist and so was Osama Bin Laden. We need to make the people work long hours for their poverty so they'll have some pride and self respect.

Crime: There are nearly 4 times as many black men incarcerated in US prisons than any other race, that tells me that we need to preemptively arrest black people before they commit crimes, statistics aren't racist they are facts. I'm the chairman for the Armcar private prisons group so I know what I am talking about. The government needs to put more funding into locking people up but Obama is weak when it comes to blacks and Muslims .... I'm sure you can guess why. Luckily some of us aren't biased and only have the nation's best interest at heart, that nation is the US, not Kenya by the way. We also need to be locking up more women as incarcerated males out number them 10 to one, what about equality? 

The Future: Since we are the only people to have put a flag onto the moon we own it. Lets make a base there so we can plant flags on other planets to own them too so if anyone wants to go to Mars they have to pay us a toll. We must build better ways to kill people from a distance if world peace is ever going to be achieved. We must turn the rest of the world into consumers and the product we sell is American freedumb. 

What policies would you implement?: In order to help law enforcement all Muslims, intellectuals, gays and people who wear glasses need to be put onto a database, maybe branded or to wear a number or symbol on their clothes. More law enforcement powers to seize property and people in the name of national security. Everyone to be armed .... except the high risk groups that lean towards unAmerican thinking. Lets put a drone in every middle class home so good people with American values can help in the wars against terror.

We also need to nuke Russia and Iran and possibly China and somehow manage to blame it on North Korea. Christianity put into every school and Sunday being an official day of rest .... except for the likes of fast food workers etc. We'll force everyone to convert to Christianity so we'll not have the problem of Islamics spreading their religion of hate. We'll also have selective breeding programs so we stay as God's image and since God cursed women with childbirth pain, should they really have a vote? A moon tax, why should the rest of the world enjoy the moon that we own for free? I will make America great again by changing it's name to the Great United States of America.

A true politician for today, he'll be the perfect president for the US.                           


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