Monday, 9 November 2015

Hillary Clinton: Ultimate Evil You Should Vote For

When Old Knudsen met Hilary Clinton she could not contain her joy, every chair she sat on she left a wet spot that smelled like Thai food if you are into sniffing seats after weemen have sat on them .... anyways as Secretary of State she came to Northern Ireland to inspect our insurgent interrogation center.

Northern Ireland isn't fully up to 21st century speed, ghey marriage and abortion are still illegal here and our human rights laws only apply to white Christians, Catholics were only allowed full human rights in 1998 but if we get them to sign a paper that says they are a witch we can still use not enhanced but advanced interrogation techniques on them.     

I had private chats with Hillary over swigs of vodka from the bottle she carries everywhere. She told me of her hatred for Obama and how she'd clawed her way up from the depths of Hell only to have him make a deal with Azmodan the Lord of sin who is a major player in Hell in order for him to become president. I thought she was using Hell as a metaphor for the world of politics but no, she really meant Hell. 

Where we really surprised by this?  

Every dog has its day and she then told me how she could help me gain more power and influence by aligning myself with her as she was going to be president in 2016. I was already head interrogator at the facility. I had werked my way up from feet, leg, groin, arm and torso interrogator to become the head man, I liked my job. Applying electrodes to tongues and pulling out teeth until I'm told what I want to hear was a good, satisfying job. If you love yer job you'll never werk another day in yer life as the saying goes. 

Did I want anymore power and influence? What would I do with it? I think her offer was just a ploy to get into my pants. 
                       No one had planned for Obama to win, now the schedule is well off track.

Hillary can be very persuasive after 15 shots of vodka (she carries a BIG bottle) and did you know her tongue can fork? Poor Bill, he had steak every night at home but when he wanted a bit of cheap hamburger he got caught.   
I took her offer and I've been very busy on the campaign trail, she wanted to use the 'well Reagan killed 17 Americans during the US Embassy bombing in Beirut so my 4 isn't so bad' excuse for Benghazi but I said "no" do what I do when I'm caught in bed with another man's wife, bluff it out. One man was convinced I was his wife's gynecologist doing a home visit, he couldn't apologize enough and even waited down stairs until I was done with my exam. 

Reagan signed bills against open carry and banned machine guns in Callyfornia but right wingers only want to remember him as a Conservative saint, invoking him could back fire. If you mention him selling arms to Iran and to terrorists you might as well say that Jesus didn't exist, they'd burn you at the stake if they could. 

Being Hellspawn Hillary can't grasp certain modern concepts such as the Interwebs. Deleting something doesn't mean that it's gone, it's just not so easy to get to but a computer wizard can easily get it. Stoopid celebs, thinking a pic on their phone has been deleted only to find it online. Jeb Bush said that the chick that plays Supergirl is pretty hot and the media have been going on about her mini skirt costume. 

But computer wizards have found far more interesting pictures of her.  

When Old Knudsen signed on to do some damage control he decided to use politicking semantics. The e-mails may have been work related and contained classified materials but they weren't marked classified so therefore she didn't breach any protocols. 
No e-mails sent on secure servers are marked classified anyways because it's a no fucking brainer that they are important. Hillary just assumed that her Yahoo e-mail addy was secure and couldn't be arsed signing into her werk e-mail account. She should be given a medal for initiative, the Chinese hacked into government servers no problem and got thousands of government employees details but I bet they didn't hack into Yahoo. 

Hilary could knife a hobo veteran to death, get caught standing over the body and still get away with it. I know this because she has. People get paid off or suicided. I'm sorry that Paul Walker had to see her getting stuck into a baby burger at that charity event, he seemed like a nice dude, his movies were horrible but he seemed nice. I'm also sorry that yon Malaysia Airliner had to vanish, one person on board knew too much.

Putin was giving her some hassle with late night drunk dialing so I replaced him with a pre-programmed Putin-bot. We know what Putin is planning to do until his power cell runs out in 8 years time, how else would I know that WWIII is going to happen in 2020? If I were you I'd invest in missiles.  

Sometimes the camera catches more than it should, thank fuck for photoshop, I can blame all sorts on photoshop. Alien spaceship in the sky ... must be photoshop, Hillary in a Satanic gangbang, must be photoshop. 
If Bernie Sanders gets too big I'm gonna have to connect him with Jared from Subway, we can't have an honest, caring person as president. When Carter was president the US wasn't at war with anyone ... what the fuck? 
Sanders is a socialist who wants the people to have a vote that matters  .... Hellspawn demons are way more acceptable to Americans than a socialist. They don't know what socialism means but they don't like it. 

As damage control manager on Hillary's campaign I have the keys to a lock up full of armed drones so vote Hillary, her campaign slogan is Vote Hillary Clinton: No bitch will stand in her way this time.  Pretty catchy huh?        



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