Thursday, 29 October 2015

World Profile #1: The British

Typical Brits going about their day. 

Old Knudsen will be doing profiles of the various nations of the werld with the hopes to unite the people of planet Earth with their similarities than differences. The United Kingdom or British isles is the mainland of Britain that consists of England, Scotland, Wales and Cornwall. No one cares much for Cornwall because it's still in the 1700's and they very often burn outsiders in wicker effigies. Beside Britain is Northern Ireland which is British, however it is un-conveniently still attached to Ireland which is not British, Margret Thatcher had plans to detach the north from the south during the 1980's but due to the recession nothing ever came of it. 

England, Scotland, Wales, Cornwall and Northern Ireland all make up the United Kingdom. 


Tis a beautiful nation with the most friendly of people you'll never meet. Voted 'The world's most beautiful nation' in 2015 we try to down play our stunning features with typical British modesty. Looks fade, it's what is in yer heart that matters most but seriously people it's Great Britain, not bleh Britain. 

             We don't chase skirts, we wear them .... silky gunties too by the way. 

When we aren't drinking tea (which is always) we do like the odd alcoholic drink ... sometimes the even alcoholic drink, odd or even we'll fucking well drink it all. 
Binge drinking is a quaint national pastime for all the family, we get so drunk that hopefully we can't remember what we did because it usually involves violence, vandalism and poor choice of sexual partners, we call the walk of shame 'off to the pub again' we have no shame. 


We Brits are very polite and after assaulting you may very well apologise. The correct response is to say 'no problem, totally my fault' and suck it up, phoning the police is considered to be very rude. Being very civilised we don't use guns, people or babies may be sleeping or an old person might be startled ... we are very considerate (unlike the rude Yanks) we'll cut you with a knife or bottle and put some holes into yer skull with a hammer, it'll be quiet and thoughtful. 

The reason we don't have many spree shooters is that we don't want to become famous for murder because then our fellow Brit would totally take the piss out of us and what would the neighbours say? 




British police have more important jobs to do than investigate crime. The ever changing face of crime means that the streets are growing more and more dangerous so expecting police to go out there is just not on. Police on the mainland do not have firearms, some specially trained officers will have them and the police in Northern Ireland (PSNI) have them but the amount of paperwork it takes to draw and fire yer weapon isn't worth the trouble so they never use them, using a taser is front page news so they don't in order to avoid the embarrassment. British people tend to police themselves and 'having a go' isn't that different to going out on a Saturday night. 


Not only are British people beautiful and friendly, they also have the best taste in fashion EVER!!!! We see nothing wrong with socks and sandals or double denim. We lead the world in suede and velor, with our leopard print fashions being the envy of all.    

 Nothing screams sexy as much as hot pink velor and elasticated waists.  

 
British cuisine is a much talked about topic, we keep it simple, we demand that our food is one of two things, either boiled or that it's easy to eat when yer standing outside while totally pissed (drunk) out of yer head. What we did before the potato we'll never know but we'll deny we eat the things 24/7 because that's an Irish thing and confusing Irish with British is a no no ..... unless that Irish person just won at a sporting event of course. 


The British are a very open people and always ready to show their fun, zany side. Not a bit sexually repressed .... after a few drinks. They wear their hearts on their sleeves, usually next to vomit stains or ugly ass poorly inked but very expensive tattoos. 

Pretending to be snooty and elitist is a British in joke as that is really just the English. The Scots and Welsh are too busy fucking sheep and the Northern Irish too busy with their culture .... of fucking sheep to be snooty and elitist. We regionals care, we always ask what yer problem is and what are you looking at, especially to outsiders. 
Brits always want to know yer business, not just to get gossip info on you but to get gossip info on you.  

A nation of dog lovers (when there are no sheep about) we also love our children and many parents are indeed on first name basis with their children.

The Brits do make the best movie villains which is odd as they are nothing like that in real life, they also make the best Americans and have replaced many Americans in movies and TV shows. Obama isn't from Kenya, he's actually from Leeds. 

We may sound sarcastic but that is just one of those cultural misunderstandings as we are never ever sarcastic, never. If you have British friends expect them to turn up at yer house with no notice and stay there until you've fed them and plied them with drink and at least 4 cups of tea (depending on how much drink you have) the important thing to remember is to NEVER send a person home without a farewell cup of tea, this is a part of the goodbye ritual. 
The last person to be hanged in Britain sent a friend home without a cup of tea, now you're more likely to have yer citizenship revoked and dumped in Ireland somewhere .... that's so harsh dude.

With the weather as bright and cheery as its people the Brits prefer a vintage look to things and brand new shopping malls may still look like something built in the 70's .... it's classic. Everything looks old, dilapidated and rusty but in reality its probably up to date and ultra modern. 

If you like old quaint things and hideous wall paper, being constipation and getting drunk then the United Kingdom is right for you.     




      


 

1 comment:

Вячеслав said...

Yes again true exposing of human condition. Thank many time for essay "Werld Peoples" now will add to whole curriculum for benefit village children in many future generation. Old man at village barber shop also have questions of british nature perhaps you know question 1 what is 'snogging' question 2 old man* want know how gaining easy access to cat of Fiona Bruce. Will pay many time. Yours in blog appreciate, Vasily.

* old man is not Vasily