Monday, 5 October 2015

Old Men Do It Better

Me and Mohamed al-Shifty, he's a moderate fanatic.

The various shooting sprees in the US has people yapping on about how if the young men wanted guns and to shoot people they need to join the army and do it for real. Yes by all means, take these young men and subject them to military abuse life until they shoot themselves like private Pyle did or become efficient well trained killing machines cos that's what we need ... not!  

Old Knudsen travels the werld and kills  defends freedom for real, he doesn't want no virgin yahoo with issues about organized religion as his wing man. Get over it the priest touched you up and you know what? He says you were shite. He said, "I've bummed better hobos but who am I to judge ... stay strong."

Young men have no business going into the military, older gents are far better. I'll no get into the whole weemen in the military thing because out in the real werld nails get broken and hair gets messed up, just you make sure the kettle is on as I likes me tea after I bayonet charge the fuzzies.

Like I remember what to do with this. 

Young men think about sex every second thought. Whenever a young lad goes to the supermarket he can't pass by the fruit and veg without wondering what it would feel like if he put his dick into a melon or rubbed off against some onions in yon plastic netting. Old Knudsen knows what all that feels like, been there done that he ain't gonna give it much more thought.

Young men would be tricked into giving away vital information as soon as a female smiled at them and showed kindness to them. Old Knudsen has tasted rejection so often that he treats every friendly female with suspicion. There was a joke running around the mess hall that Old Knudsen's chat up line was, "are you wearing a wire?" .... Old Knudsen didn't find it funny.

If Old Knudsen was captured he wouldn't even give up his serial number .... maybe just the first number which might be a 2. No point using pain on Old Knudsen, he's survived man, pig and bird flu, he had pandemonium and didn't phone in sick. His knees have been shot out by paramilitaries so many times his legs no longer bend, the only complaint he made was when they didn't roll up his troosers that one time.

Pain and Old Knudsen are old friends, especially when he doesn't take his stool softeners.   

 The Russians bombed Raqqa .... I had already killed all the inhabitants .... lol! 

Old men are calmer under pressure, young men have all those young hormones racing around inside them while Old Knudsen had his nerves surgically removed when he was having his annual scrotum tuck 4 years ago. Three blokes with AK-47's and I'm all out of ammo. A young man might panic but Old Knudsen would use his combat knife to sharpen a stick and attack them with it or maybe swifty fashion a bow and arrow using his own hair for the arrow flights. Old Knudsen kicks panic's pan in.     

Young men are all about carrying big packs for 50 miles in 20 minutes to prove how tough they are, Old Knudsen doesn't need proof so he'll take a taxi into battle if you don't mind and since he can't even spell retreet he won't be doing it. Endurance course? I've watched the 3 Lord of the rings movies, I've seen some shit.

Do you know why it only took a few days to kick Saddam out of Kuwait? Cos they woke Old Knudsen early and made him miss his nap. They had to stop me from taking heads, a cranky Old Knudsen is a dangerous Old Knudsen and I don't do mornings. The Falklands war caused some jip on me knee with yon cold and wet weather and I am ashamed to say I did take it out on the enemy which is why they haven't invaded since. 
A young man would shout, stamp his feet and sulk. Ach away an sit in yon corner an play with yerself little boy.

Young men are usually not very self aware and don't have a sense of perspective, they think they're invincible and so might do acts that seem like bravery and often die doing them.  

Old Knudsen is more careful and knows what a loss his death would be to the werld. He wouldn't waste all that training and experience dying in a war, he has more respect for his employers and for the ladies who would join convents or become leezers should Old Knudsen cark it. Playing dead to fight another day is a military tactic used by the likes of Alexander the great and Jesus so it's good enough for Old Knudsen.

Young men might be able to bench press 400 LBS but there are no benches in battle. Old Knudsen has old man strength and his hands are like steel clamps from years of having to open  fool child proof medicine bottles. Old Knudsen would grab yer nuts, crush them and sprinkle them onto of his ice cream. His metal hips means that he can fall in any environment and still get up. He doesn't need to know where he is or who he is those details cut doon yer reaction time. During operation 'Early bird' I had the Russian Spetsnaz begging for mercy, no idea how I ended up in Russia when I was dropped off in Columbia to fight the rebels but I call that a win.  

Just leave young men to play their video games and maybe put something in their tea to cut doon on yon erections, that'll stop the violence somewhat and leave the fighting and liberating to the geezers. 


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