Saturday, 31 October 2015

ISIS Issue Fatwa On Al Roker

ISIS were furious with the Today show when the presenters came on dressed as a horrific version of Charlie Brown and Peanuts.

The ISIS members who were watching day time TV phoned in and declared a fatwa upon Charlie Brown and Al Roker and then they made it official by tweeting it.

It seems that the hair on the front of Roker's head spells 'Allah' in Arabic letters which is forbidden to do according to the written texts by Wasabi teachers such as Mohammed ibn Abdulwahhab.

Roker is said to be very distressed and claims he didn't know about the wording on his forehead. Charlie Brown was not available for a comment. 

Brad Pitt's Next Role

Remember when Brad Pitt was a beautiful young man with a mouth like a moist inviting face vagina? .... Well Old Knudsen remembers, oh yeah. He wanted to be taken seriously as an actor so he took roles in which he had to scruff himself up for such as Kalifornia, 12 monkeys and Snatch but we wanted fight club and Seven years in Tibet pretty cos we're shallow, fuck yer acting, just stand there and smile maybe take off yer shirt.

I'd say that his last "pretty" role was Mr and Mrs Smith in 2005 .... yes 10 years ago when he was 41. After that he made movies that had computer generated youth, lots of voice work and he started playing older roles.

In the great inglorious basterds:  "They're the foot soldiers of a Jew-hatin', mass murderin' maniac and they need to be dee-stroyed. That's why any and every son of a bitch we find wearin' a Nazi uniform, they're gonna die. Now, I'm the direct descendant of the mountain man Jim Bridger. That means I got a little Injun in me. And our battle plan will be that of an Apache resistance. We will be cruel to the Germans, and through our cruelty they will know who we are."

Or in the totally shite Glory. Should have made it about glory holes, then it might actually be interesting. The whole rookie finally earning respect is so bleh and was stupidly done.

In World War Z he had such dodgy hair .... what the fuck? Don't watch it in HD, you'll be convinced he's slowly changing into a zombie. Yes Brad Pitt is human, even his nose is getting bigger. Of course that means that us fans are getting older too, fuck you Brad Pitt, you did this to us!

He has always been compared to Robert Redford in looks and the Ocean 11 movies he was basically a caricature of  Redford and his slack relaxed acting. Using food as a prop is a very Redford thing.

At 51 he still looks good for his age, no middle age spread but what the fuck are some photographers up to? It's like one of those if Brad Pitt and Robert Redford face morph things. I believe that Pitt is going the way of Bruce Jenner, but not as ghey.

Brad Pitt will announce that he is really Robert Redford inside and identifies himself as Redford more than Pitt.
He'll have a few cosmetic procedures (Jenner still has his/her male junk) and he'll get an award for courage when he steps out onto the stage wearing 70's styles. 

Hold on is this Pitt or Redford? Ach soon Pitt will be Redford then he has to destroy the original host body. If you've seen the Redford yachting movie then sending him out to sea is probably a certain death sentence. In Captain America: Winter soldier, Redford was the bad guy who was killed at the end, that is the fate of older male actors that can no longer be paired with a 25 year-old female love interest.

There can be only one.        

It’s not a journey, every journey ends but we go on, the world turns and we turn with it. Plans disappear and dreams take over. But where ever I go – there you are. My luck, my fate, my fortune. I shall be Robert Redford - inevitable.

Friday, 30 October 2015

Sausage Rolls Of Death

 WHO announcing something probably important ... to them.  

The World Health Organization which as you've probably guessed is full of vegetarian hippies says yer at risk of getting cancer if you eat processed meats ..... well they used the word probably because this medical stuff isn't fucking science.

Remember when AIDS used to scare people and you'd shun all queers and burn them out of their homes after you end up drunkenly snogging some bloke then you find out he's ghey? .... oh, just me then. Well cancer is kinda like that, it's been the big bad for years. It robbed us of cunts like John Wayne, Steve McQueen, Walt Disney, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin and even some people I liked such as Lana Turner, Paul Newman, Vincent Price, Deforest Kelley, Elisabeth Sladen and George Harrison. In fact IMDB have 4,689 names of famous people that died of cancer, far more females than males.

With WHO putting processed meats onto its list of terrorists it forgets to get mentioned that you "probably" won't die of cancer unless you eat processed meats from cans, jars of sauce, bacon, sausages and chicken Mcfucken nuggets every day washed down with 10 ciggies and a pint of Round up and lead a generally unhealthy lifestyle.
What do WHO actually do anyways?  I've never met anyone from WHO yet they think they know what is best for me. 

 Enjoy life .... at yer dead end low paying job because there is plenty of time to be dead later.

Chances of you being murdered because yer a cunt are way higher or maybe the screaming banshee will get ya. If you go through life worried about what might possibly kill you then are you really living?

WHO are a bunch of fun sucking twatwaffles. Next year they'll be discussing if coffee is harmful too. For years coffee has been accused of causing cancer or coffee enemas are being touted as a cure for cancer .... make up yer minds.

Chances are that coffee enemas don't cure cancer .... going by all the people who went with alternative medicine.

Mobile phones probably don't give you cancer but video games makes you want to shoot people and being religious makes you want to molest children ... it's a fact! Or might not be, do we really want facts if we don't like what they say? 

If you werk night shifts, have a coal fire or live near a power plant, get Hepatitis from prison sex, use hormonal birth control, drink alcohol, live with air pollution, smoke tobacco or hang around with a smoker, have an x-ray, lick bars of lead, spray the weeds in yer garden, eat pickled onions or gherkins, do handyman werk with wood or with metal, werk in a dry cleaners, are a firefighter, eat red meat or hotdogs then don't bother reading this, yer dead.


How does this picture make you feel? Inadequate, horny, angry, jealous, curious? If it made you feel anything then yer not dead yet so well done defying the odds.   

WHO won't make me change my eating habits, what is the alternative, being vegetarian? If Old Knudsen became a vegetarian he'd have more energy and would probably end up running a European cuntry and before you know it he'd be throwing some minority group into ovens or something. Famous vegetarians have been Hitler, Genghis Khan, Ted Bundy, Margaret Thatcher, Darth Vader and Sauron Lord of Mordor. 

Never trust a person who 1) turns down a bacon butty and 2) thinks that snot is a food group.

Some people smoke 100 a day and live until they are 150, life is a crap shoot. They told Old Knudsen he'd go blind because he wanked so much but no, his vision is just a little blurry so fuck all those anti-wank people who knew nothing. Sure he must shave the palms of his hands every week but it's a small price to pay.



Thursday, 29 October 2015

Millionaire Flies First Class To Cast A Vote On Austerity

Musical producer Andrew Lloyd-Webber flew first class from New York to cast his vote in the house of Lords for cuts to working tax credits and child credits given to low income families. With a fortune of only £650 million he thinks that poor families should have a bleak Christmas like the one he is expecting to have.

3 million people would have had their income reduced on average by £1,300.  

Webber who is  Britain’s 127th-richest person was able to earn his £300 for attending which should help his Christmas nicely. His spokesperson already tried to get the tax payer to pay for his flight since he was doing the cuntry a service and all but the patriotic peer had to pay for it himself.
The reason why he voted was because he hates poor people he wants to protect democracy even though he's only voted 30 out of 1,898 times over the past 14 years, but he is all about the democracy.

11 other millionaires voted for the cuts too but the bill has been delayed so that all the facts can be better set out and explained. Webber was heard to say, "I don't need the facts, I trust the government to do what's best for low income plebs to keep them in their place, it's not as if their sort will be at my plays so fuck em."  

You sir are the fart licking cock nozzle suckwad of the week!


World Profile #1: The British

Typical Brits going about their day. 

Old Knudsen will be doing profiles of the various nations of the werld with the hopes to unite the people of planet Earth with their similarities than differences. The United Kingdom or British isles is the mainland of Britain that consists of England, Scotland, Wales and Cornwall. No one cares much for Cornwall because it's still in the 1700's and they very often burn outsiders in wicker effigies. Beside Britain is Northern Ireland which is British, however it is un-conveniently still attached to Ireland which is not British, Margret Thatcher had plans to detach the north from the south during the 1980's but due to the recession nothing ever came of it. 

England, Scotland, Wales, Cornwall and Northern Ireland all make up the United Kingdom. 

Tis a beautiful nation with the most friendly of people you'll never meet. Voted 'The world's most beautiful nation' in 2015 we try to down play our stunning features with typical British modesty. Looks fade, it's what is in yer heart that matters most but seriously people it's Great Britain, not bleh Britain. 

             We don't chase skirts, we wear them .... silky gunties too by the way. 

When we aren't drinking tea (which is always) we do like the odd alcoholic drink ... sometimes the even alcoholic drink, odd or even we'll fucking well drink it all. 
Binge drinking is a quaint national pastime for all the family, we get so drunk that hopefully we can't remember what we did because it usually involves violence, vandalism and poor choice of sexual partners, we call the walk of shame 'off to the pub again' we have no shame. 

We Brits are very polite and after assaulting you may very well apologise. The correct response is to say 'no problem, totally my fault' and suck it up, phoning the police is considered to be very rude. Being very civilised we don't use guns, people or babies may be sleeping or an old person might be startled ... we are very considerate (unlike the rude Yanks) we'll cut you with a knife or bottle and put some holes into yer skull with a hammer, it'll be quiet and thoughtful. 

The reason we don't have many spree shooters is that we don't want to become famous for murder because then our fellow Brit would totally take the piss out of us and what would the neighbours say? 

British police have more important jobs to do than investigate crime. The ever changing face of crime means that the streets are growing more and more dangerous so expecting police to go out there is just not on. Police on the mainland do not have firearms, some specially trained officers will have them and the police in Northern Ireland (PSNI) have them but the amount of paperwork it takes to draw and fire yer weapon isn't worth the trouble so they never use them, using a taser is front page news so they don't in order to avoid the embarrassment. British people tend to police themselves and 'having a go' isn't that different to going out on a Saturday night. 

Not only are British people beautiful and friendly, they also have the best taste in fashion EVER!!!! We see nothing wrong with socks and sandals or double denim. We lead the world in suede and velor, with our leopard print fashions being the envy of all.    

 Nothing screams sexy as much as hot pink velor and elasticated waists.  

British cuisine is a much talked about topic, we keep it simple, we demand that our food is one of two things, either boiled or that it's easy to eat when yer standing outside while totally pissed (drunk) out of yer head. What we did before the potato we'll never know but we'll deny we eat the things 24/7 because that's an Irish thing and confusing Irish with British is a no no ..... unless that Irish person just won at a sporting event of course. 

The British are a very open people and always ready to show their fun, zany side. Not a bit sexually repressed .... after a few drinks. They wear their hearts on their sleeves, usually next to vomit stains or ugly ass poorly inked but very expensive tattoos. 

Pretending to be snooty and elitist is a British in joke as that is really just the English. The Scots and Welsh are too busy fucking sheep and the Northern Irish too busy with their culture .... of fucking sheep to be snooty and elitist. We regionals care, we always ask what yer problem is and what are you looking at, especially to outsiders. 
Brits always want to know yer business, not just to get gossip info on you but to get gossip info on you.  

A nation of dog lovers (when there are no sheep about) we also love our children and many parents are indeed on first name basis with their children.

The Brits do make the best movie villains which is odd as they are nothing like that in real life, they also make the best Americans and have replaced many Americans in movies and TV shows. Obama isn't from Kenya, he's actually from Leeds. 

We may sound sarcastic but that is just one of those cultural misunderstandings as we are never ever sarcastic, never. If you have British friends expect them to turn up at yer house with no notice and stay there until you've fed them and plied them with drink and at least 4 cups of tea (depending on how much drink you have) the important thing to remember is to NEVER send a person home without a farewell cup of tea, this is a part of the goodbye ritual. 
The last person to be hanged in Britain sent a friend home without a cup of tea, now you're more likely to have yer citizenship revoked and dumped in Ireland somewhere .... that's so harsh dude.

With the weather as bright and cheery as its people the Brits prefer a vintage look to things and brand new shopping malls may still look like something built in the 70's .... it's classic. Everything looks old, dilapidated and rusty but in reality its probably up to date and ultra modern. 

If you like old quaint things and hideous wall paper, being constipation and getting drunk then the United Kingdom is right for you.     



Wednesday, 28 October 2015

Taurus Curve

Coming up to Christmas and Old Knudsen is making his list. He's been a good boy, hardly any hate crimes, murders or rapes, ach I was raped once this year but was asking for it the way I was dressed. 

The Taurus curve is small, slim and easy to conceal. Not a great battle weapon but a nice surprise and concept gun. . 380 caliber with a 6 round mag, there are no sights sticking up just as there are no buttons or levers sticking out to keep the profile slim and smooth.

For a little extra you can get some lights and a laser pointer. Looking at the picture you can see how easy it would be to look like a phone from a distance or a phone to look like a gun if black and held like this. 

The magazine catch is on the mag and if you are not careful your fingers might release the mag by accident.

I just love the size, the way it's shaped to yer body and even the name. It won't pick off any tiny targets but it will hit a person, or a large dog, it's just fucking cool .


Faith Healing On The NHS

People are stupid, when stupid people become fearful or desperate that stupidity only gets worse. Throw in some religion and you have stupidity more closer to drain bamage.  The horror it must be when parents are told that their child has cancer. Unless their kid is a cunt of course and they never wanted children anyway.

Josh Martin aged 14 from Northern Ireland was rushed to the hospital a year ago and had some tumours removed from his abdomen. Then what followed were months of chemotherapy, surgery and hospital stays.

It turned out that he didn't need any of that shit. What the fuck do doctors and nurses have to do with healthcare anyways? Would we even get ill if we didn't have hospitals? Those places are germ factories where you go to die, Ben Carson told me.

Josh and his parents had something far stronger than surgeries and chemo, they had faith. Well obviously their faith wasn't very good a year ago for him to get cancer, maybe Josh started to play with himself more or maybe his parents who are pastors at Bangor Elim Church were cheating on each other or gambling or something, anyways God sent cancer their way probably to make them stop being so fucking smug and pious as pastors tend to be.

So thousands of people prayed for Josh and his hashtag and his cancer is now totally gone .... for the moment. The question is why did they waste so much tax payer money? Why did they just not pray to start off with? I hope that those thousands with the praying have all stopped going to the doctor every time they are ill, just pray that unwanted baby away because God is listening.

 Is she real? 
Josh has said that he knew that God was looking out for him and that he would be ok .... Wow Josh, aren't you just so special, you must be going to do something great like um cure cancer or herpes. Maybe you'll design a really realistic sex doll, yeah, God wants that.

When Malala Yousafzai was shot in the head at the age of 15 she was flown to the UK for surgery and healthcare, when she got better and talked to the press she thanked God for her recovery, she didn't thank him for the bullets though.

When will we learn our lesson? Teenagers are ungrateful fuckwits that have their heads up their holes. Many people, not deities saved the lives of those two twatwaffles. Doctors, nurses, cleaners, caterers, the guy at the powerstation, whoever invented surgery, the bloke that delivered the meds, blood donors, tax payers blah blah blah .... the people that taught those people how to do their jobs and above all some good fortune.

God had nothing to do with it unless you go with the whole 'we are god' thing but religious people are usually one dimensional thinkers and need to have a being called God. This is God's will, this is God's word, Obama is horrible I will make America great again, death to the great Satan! .... oops sorry, I got carried away with the forced soundbite of the fanatic.

Seriously people, give credit to those who did the werk.      

Tuesday, 27 October 2015

Trump's Rags To Riches Struggle

Donald Trump gave an interview about his tough life. All Donald had was a cheap suit on his back, a battered old briefcase, a can do attitude and lashings of Trump charm. He scraped and clawed his way out of Brooklyn and into Manhatten with just his suit, a battered old briefcase and his wits and charm to become a billionaire.

The kind of rags to riches story that the US is famous for, he should totally be president.

How exactly did he do it? Well anyone can do it with just the right attitude and a lot of hard werk .... oh and his battered old case had $1 million inside.

He got a "small loan" as he put it from his father. He didn't have it easy, he had to repay it with interest and that was when $1 million could actually buy you shit. After the interview I'm sure that many Americans can now relate more to Donald Trump and not just to his racist misogynistic traits for he is just a poor slob like the rest of us.      

I Want Your Blood Not Your Objections

A judge in Buttfuck Alabama decided to squeeze the petty criminals dry if they couldn't pay fines. Judge Marvin Wiggans put the wiggins up those appearing in his court by demanding a pound of flesh ... well actually a pint of blood.

Is Judge Wiggins a vampire? an obvious conclusion to jump to. Those in his court for offenses like hunting after dark, drug possession, assault, passing bad checks or having sex with someone not related to them were told that if they couldn't pay there was a blood drive outside, they could give blood and bring back the receipt for a $100 credit toward their fines.

If they didn't have money or didn't want to give blood then, “The sheriff has enough handcuffs.”  

Many have called this ruling unethical and unconstitutional. Forcing someone to have an invasive procedure against their will is fucking well not on, even if the judge had intended on helping the community. Americans really don't like to be given ultimatums or choices they don't like.
Tell an American they can either give up their guns or pay more taxes and you'll probably get another revolution assuming their heads don't explode in rage ..... don't mess with their guns or taxes. 

Some were unsure if they were allowed to pay installments as they had been doing while others stormed out in a huff. One old fella passed out after his pint was taken from him and a flasher gave a pint of semen by mistake... or was it? 

After the Pearl Harbor attack judges in Honolulu had ordered those with traffic violations to give blood instead of paying a fine and in other parts of the cuntry judges would let prisoners give blood in return for a lighter sentence or cash incentives but the increase in hepatitis ended that in 2008.

The group that collected the blood tried to contact the donors afterwards and ended up having to destroy most of what they had collected and not everyone was given their promised $100 discount.

Old Knudsen's conclusion is that most judges are clueless wankers with more ego than a brain surgeon and aren't fit to judge a pie eating competition. Seriously, just look at his suit. 

Monday, 26 October 2015

Russia Tells Troops To Stop Posting On Social Media

Russians have been in Syria since April but it's hard to deny their presence when the troops are posting pics up on social media. One Russia soldier complained that though their stripy shirts look kinda ghey, Syria was in for one serious gun show for the next 8 months.    

 Debaltseve in eastern Ukraine.

If you remember Old Knudsen went to Ukraine to find evidence of serving Russian soldiers fighting along side the Russian backed separatists. The Russians deny they are there in any official capacity but it's difficult to deny when loads of serving Russian soldiers post selfies all over the place. This is an ethnic Buryat named Bato Dambaev from Russia's Siberian region on the border of Mongolia. It's hard to deny there are foreign fighters running around when they are Kazakhs or Buryats. You can see his uniform isn't standard Ruskie and the white arm bands are so the local rebels know they are on their side. Since his wall was open I could see him in his Russian military uniform and see that he has signed up to served until 2016. 

Old Knudsen even tracked young Dambaev to his home town in Buryatia and threatened to show the pics to Putin unless he paid me money and perhaps do me other favours .... it's a journalist thing, I do it with loads of young men who have compromised themselves with social media, it's like a life lesson. 

 They make it so easy to catch them some times.
A while back there was a young British soldier tearing around Belfast posting about what parties he was on the way to. While the Troubles are over the chance to kill a member of the security forces should not be given to the IRA loving cunts on a silver platter. Hopefully the present day terrorist is as gormless as the present day squaddie, young people huh. Old Knudsen is so paranoid that he splashes people who call to his hoose with holy water .... going by the huge size my cock it has obviously been blessed by Gog so that counts as holy water right? 

Russians are crazy as fuck but seriously, turn off yer location settings before posting selfies. If you keep it on for a 'come an get us if yer hard enough' kinda thing then respect to ye. Old Knudsen used to strip down and oil himself up for battle like the Spartans did .... which is why I'm no longer allowed to shop in ASDA anymore. Haters gonna hate.    

Typical Russian military shit, ach who hasn't done this in the army? .... yeah, probably the Yanks, they wouldn't risk hitting their faces. On this side of the Atlantic we embrace every branch of the ugly tree and since broken bones are supposed to be stronger after they mend we break everything just to be tough. Old Knudsen can crush walnuts between his butt cheeks though it's a strain and you wouldn't want to eat them afterwards. He saves it to do at parties ..... though he never gets invites for some reason.

 Don't ever say their outfits look ghey or he'll break yer bricks. 

Old Knudsen would personally rather fight German Nazis, Jap samurais or Islamic extremists than fight the Russians but if I had to I'd win. Anyone can break a brick with their fist, Old Knudsen prefers to break fists with a brick, not his own obviously as that would hurt. 

Reminds me of 85 when I was teaching the Mujahideen how to kill Russians during the battle of Maravar Pass in Afghanistan. Killing Russians was all the trend back in the 80's, big hair, shoulder pads and dirty commies. 
The Mujahideen which became al Qaeda and the Tallyban were our friends and it was the Libyans and the Iranians you had to watch out for ... well that hasn't really changed except now they are too busy to hi-jack and blow up planes. 

Ivan is gearing up for the weekend .... totally not in Syria though.

We lured them into the gorge, blocked their only exit and flanked them with heavy machine guns, 2 days of fighting before their reinforcements came to get them out, ach I thought the Spetsnaz were supposed to be tough but against Knudsen's Ragheads they didn't stand a chance. I tried to stop me men beheading the enemy which is just rude but you know what Johnny savage is like when their blood is up. I told the CIA not to trust them and to leave on friendly terms but would they listen?

After that the Soviets made sure to carry less vodka and more ammo out in the field.  

These days they don't carry any vodka and actually carry morphine in case they get wounded, what pussies. In Old Knudsen's day if you were wounded you'd walk it off and a selfie was something you did in yer bunk, ach times do indeed change. 


Sunday, 25 October 2015

A Sexy Betty

Betty Brosmer, the highest paid pin up of the 1950's appearing on over 2 hundred magazine covers. Her waist measured in at 18 inches with a 38 inch bust and 36 inch hips. The co-founder of Shape magazine the now 80 year-old still writes two magazine columns about health, fitness and bukake.