Thursday, 10 September 2015

You Lot Have It Easy


People don't know how easy they have it these days. I standing in the 10 items or less queue and the fella in front of me who had exactly 10 items made some comment to the cashier about the price of things, well that did it, fucking first werld whining from spoiled I was breast fed until I was 9 wimpy lad. I tapped him on the shoulder and said, "you young uns don't know how easy you have it these days" he looked at me blankly and told me not to touch him again which is a shame as I had him singled out for a sneaky hand to butt cupping as we stood in line but his comment put me off a little ... Mr tight jeans indeed, so ghey looking.

Luckily there was a group of youths loitering by the entrance of the store. I was able to tell them how easy they have it. Aye I had to ignore the rude comments and dodge the odd Red Bull can but when someone has survived the trenches, that kinda shite just seems so lame. I've left more people for dead and gone through their pockets than they've had hot dinners.

Back during the war we didn't have much, we had to make our own entertainment. I remember going to the dance halls and dancing to the big band sounds of Los del Río and their big hit the Macarena, I didn't know the werds cos I either fuck or kill Italians, I don't bloody well talk to them .... or whatever lingo that was "Hey Macarena!"  

We didn't have none of them camera phone things, our phones made calls and sent texts, sexting was a lot more descriptive unlike now how you can just photograph yer cock and send, no poetry at all. Don't worry, thanks to the judge Old Knudsen's phone still only makes phone calls and texts but look on the bright side, no one is going to mug me for a £15 phone and the power lasts for a week. 
Those touch screen things give me the creeps, like automatic doors they troll you by not working. Fucken sentient machinery that kicks you in yer self esteem by saying that you just aren't there. 

Slide to unlock .... I slide, then I bust some other moves like the running man and it still doesn't unlock. 

Julian Sands, almost had a career.  

There may have been a war on but some great movies were made then like Jurassic Park, Terminator 2 and even Toy Story, they don't make films like that any more. Films like Braveheart forced us to remember who the enemy was and what they were capable of, if you look at most of the best movie bad guys you'll find that they are English, says it all. 

You young people don't know how difficult life was during the war, not everyone had a computer or e-mail, we'd have to write and send off a letter and then wait months or years for the other person to not reply, nowadays you zing off a message and go mad when the person doesn't instantly get back to you. It took years to decide to cut someone out of yer life, now you can do it in an afternoon.

Some of our papers had tits so if you needed a wank while reading the news you could.  

We didn't have social media back then, all our media was very anti-social. We had to look at things called newspapers or the television and maybe listen to the wireless. News at ten told you how shite the werld was and that there was no hope, then it would end with a story about lucky the dog which was rescued from a well or some shite, it was like an abusive relationship with a beating followed by flowers and promises. 

If we wanted a flame war we'd have to go onto forums and start a thread ... not that I would know about that but people are still very touchy about circumcision and are easily riled and that's the pro-circumcision lot, their ignorance no doubt fueled by a guilty conscience at supporting baby mutilation. Jeff Goldblum, you say you read about it and while you didn't do it for religious reasons you had yer baby son circumcised anyways .... yer an asshole then who robbed their child of choice. 

Aye flame wars just seemed to happen around Old Knudsen for some reason ...  people and their issues huh.

You have all these young uns looking at their phones and typing lol at their mates but never actually laughing out loud, back in my day we valued human interaction and I don't just mean hookers and the desperate lad doon at the docks. Back then we had our friends ... we also had Sienfeld, Xena and The Simpsons, whatever happened to that show? 

Friends, Sienfeld, The Drew Carey Show and Will and Grace, it seemed that yer real life buddies appeared less interesting, where are those TV best friends in real life who would judge you in a cynical yet humorous way followed by a quirky theme tune riff?

Millions in Kuwaiti bullion. You mean them little cubes you put in hot water to make soup?

So in 4 days Saddam was kicked out of Kuwait and we let him slaughter those that rose up against him .... yeah that didn't come back to bite us in the ass, yes Al-Qaeda I'm looking at you. It was worth it as the movie Three Kings was made, if you don't like that film then yer just a moron and my cock has more taste.  

There were other wars and other movies but Hotel Rwanda was no The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel, am I right am I right?

Appreciate that you have it easy these days and that even refugees first reaction when they reach safety is to take a selfie, in my day they'd take yer child or favourite goat.



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