Tuesday, 15 September 2015

The Vikings Made Us Fat

Everyone remembers where they were during key events that have happened in their lives, most remember where they were when they were married, arrested or when JFK was shot or when Princess Diana died .... she was lovely, wasn't she.

Do you remember what you were doing when the Vikings attacked the Island of Lindisfarne? The small island off the east coast of England was raided by Vikings on 8th June 793, this would have been their equivalent of 9/11 as this more or less began the Viking raids that would change the world of the Brits and Irish forever. 

There was only a big deal made out of it because it was written about and it was a fucking monastery, who would risk the wrath of God? ..... The Viking continued to raid Britain for the next few hundred odd years so it looks like God didn't give a fuck.

They even ended up ruling most of the North of England giving many of their words to our language today. The days of the week for instance, I'm surprised they weren't renamed in America during the 1950's when they were putting 'In God we trust' over everything . "Yeah we're calling Wednesday Jesusday and Thursday is um Petersday." Americans wouldn't have the word Gun if not for these Pagans of the North nor could they tell fags to go to Hell
Seriously all you gun loving tea baggers and Sarah Palin in particular, you had better come up with a better language cos yer all speaking in Pagan, maybe you should learn Arabic or something. You can't even take this man to be yer husband or the bull by the horns. You wouldn't have anger or be happy if it wasn't for the Norse but you could be bleh.   

The festival of the Old Knudsen horn which still continues today.  

Aye I've got Viking blood flowing through my veins and very often in my poop just as I have Celtic blood so yes, I am a very gentle, intellectual, teetotaler type in touch with his feelings, all those stories you've heard are lies made up by the Conservative media influenced by the 1% ..... the story about the midget duct taped to a sex swing is partly true, the charge was reduced to manslaughter, they never mention that part. 

The Vikings like most of the world back then took slaves, they traveled up and doon the great water ways of Europe. Russia gets it's name from the Rus people who were Norsemen who traded and raided taking Slavs as slaves as they did any other race. 
Back then a male slave would cost you 12 ounces of silver or 8 for a female ... hey don't judge. The uber educated ancient Greeks had slaves, as did the tribes of Africa and the Native Americans, things were just too hard back then. Imagine what life would be like without a remote control for yer telly, aye shivers doon yer spine, you'd be calling fore the return of slavery within a day. 

You can't even get a BJ doon at the docks for 12 ounces of silver these days. 

Why were the Vikings so successful? .... Good question, it was mostly to do with gym membership. The Vikings encouraged their people to join a gym followed by a sauna, so you'd have all these buff blokes and fit warrior weemen all with the roid rage.    

A typical Viking woman. 

Just the thought of all those hard sweaty bodies is enough to make yer average English person empty their bowels. Centuries of body shaming by the Norse has made us hide behind a bargain bucket of KFC while we wear our elasticated leisure suits. 
A Celtic warrior from the late Gaulish period.

The Celts would also use the psychological warfare method of being buff but they would charge naked at their enemy which might lead to nasty wounds such as in the above picture. Aye that foreskin will never grow back. 

Vikings totally didn't mind dying in battle, in fact it was like an achievement to give a good account of yerself and die killing the enemy so you could go to Valhalla and feast with the gods. 

You could compare that mindset with ISIS who also want to die for their god so they can get their 72 virgin goats. If anyone is worried about dying a virgin in case ISIS gets them in the after life just send Old Knudsen an e-mail and he'll sort you out .... I wouldn't call it a duty, more like a good service. 

Christians on the other hand don't really want to die which makes me think that they don't really believe all that shite they are told to believe in. Prove me wrong Christians, the next time you feel a lump or pass out don't go to a Doctor, that just shows a lack of faith but get yer kids treated cos they are given a pass until they become dumb adults. 

It's funny how generations can point to something like the assassination of MLK jr and say, "well that us blackies screwed, might as well stop trying to achieve equality and blame whitey instead"  or to 9/11 for fucking up air travel and immigration and causing those cuntries in the Middle East who are normally ever so peaceful to act like a Floridian on bath salts.  Lindisfarne was a game changer and even now the echos of that time and its influence can be still heard when someone calls you ugly.    


k said...

I count on you for proper historical context for humanity and also for phrases like "act like a Floridian on bath salts" which I will drop into conversation endlessly and, to my shame, forget to give you writing credit (which all mere mortals do as they imagine they invented this life whilst their GOD looks on laughing in her despair).

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