Wednesday, 30 September 2015

Keep Taking The Tablets

So one day when I was up mount Sinai looking for remnants of Noah's Ark which turned out to not be on mount Ararat instead believe it or not when I found this stone block. I considered breaking it up and selling it to the Orangemen to throw during the annual 12th July riots cos they'd be into Holy land rocks being the lost tribe and all but then I saw some scratchings on it.

It was in the ancient language of the Angels called Enochian and sure my angel talk was a little rusty but it seemed like it was one of the original stone tablets as given to Moses. 

I didn't trust that fella, when he came doon off yon mountain with those tablets, slagging off my false idols telling me to take my dick out of yon dead pig because pigs are unclean or something stupid and I said, "That's what God gave you ..... seriously?" It was written in bog standard Aramaic with a Chaldeean accent, it had 'You shall not steel' for fucks sake. Besides the spelling (bronze age, what the fuck is steel?) it's kinda fucking obvious, oh don't murder either ... gee thanks for the tip I was just about to slay a Philistine hobo while doing a bit of coveting just for the lolz. Some people have to be told to not steal or kill? what morons.  

This other tablet told of the meaning of life and really got into the 'thou shall not be a dick' thing and to use yer common sense silly humans. No raping weemen or molesting children and everyone is equal, not just in lip service like the US constitution. No lobbing off baby foreskins, God believes in free will for fucks sake and that is robbing the child of his. The gist of it was to do what makes you happy as long as you aren't harming anyone .... the Christians weren't going to like this one bit. 

I went straight back to my hotel and had a wank. I had been planning on one all day and finally got some peace, then I e-mailed an antiquity professor Billy one ear about my find, the wank was nothing to write home about so I didn't tell him. Billy chastised me for contacting him on an unsecured channel and told me to get out of my hotel before THEY turned up, then there was a knock at the door.

I wondered what Billy had meant so I put it to the back of my mind to think about it for later and opened the door. A gun was pointed at my face.
Ohhh is that the new Glock? I inquired, he spoke in broken English, "I don't know name, just the sound it make when it keels" fair enough I thought.

I used my training to suss out the situation, he had the upper hand so I pretended to be afraid and raised my hands begging for my life, "where is tablet?" he asked rudely interrupting my ploy, "in my case, there are loads of tablets, get ya high for a week" I squeezed out some tears and soiled myself for effect.

With my hands raised the distance to grab the gun was shortened. I grabbed it, twisting it against his thumb and making him release it, thumbs have limits and are a weakness if manipulated right. I turned the gun on him and BAM!  After I shouted 'bam' I shot him in the face 3 times then I shouted, "WHO SENT YOU?"

Looking back I probably didn't need to soil myself and maybe I should have asked him before I shot him.

I had to get the tablet to safety before THEY returned, I pushed it into my case but with all the other tablets there wasn't any room so obviously I had to doon a load of pills in order to make room. After 12 hours of some amazing strobing lights I could finally feel my face again. The stone tablet and the dead body had gone and I didn't notice a thing, must have been the angels coming back for their stuff, some things are too dangerous for humanity I suppose.   


k said...

This is pretty weird. Same thing happened to me.

Old Knudsen said...

Everything Old Knudsen writes is inspired by true events no matter what his therapist says. I believe lass, I believe.