Monday, 7 September 2015

I Write The Songs

It's a police box ya moron, police boxes can't time travel.

Old Knudsen has had some time on his hands recently. He popped back to the 1950's to see his grandfather who was in his prime then. Every time Old Knudsen visits he has to tell him the same old story about time travel and to prove he is who he says he is.
As usual gramps was pissed off, defiant and bat shit crazy .... luckily Old Knudsen takes after the other side of his family. I just wanted to visit my dear ol grandad before he died. I asked him if he had any regrets and he said, "nah, if you do the thing then expect to swing" oh I should have mentioned they were hanging him for murder, if people are going to annoy you then they should expect a good murdering.

After the event I gave me granny a shoulder to cry on, she was a right looker back then so I got back to me time machine a little late and found I had left the lights on.   

Me and Daisy at the Turdis.

Me "companion" Daisy was getting right annoying and kept accusing me of flirting with others all the time .... me? so I trapped her on a beach in Norway with a clone of meself . She was always the one who turned out the lights and made sure me underwear was semi fresh.
Me time batteries had drained, it takes ages for them to recharge so I was stuck in the 1950's .... fuck the 50's were dull.

Ever hear a song or watch a movie that seems very connected with you and you say, "I could have wrote that" well maybe you did. I'm not the only time traveler, look at the 2 terms of GW Bush and his 2 wars, there had to be a time traveler on his team, why the fuck does Cheney need a new heart every now and then? Just how old is he?     

I had to make some money to afford a load of car batteries and jump leads so I became a song writer. Frankie Valli and the Four seasons had massive hits Everlong and Angels as did Chubby Checker with Baby Got Back. 

I'm the worse at remembering lyrics so me Eleanor Rigby song has, 'she likes the cheese, likes to please quite a lot of young men ... da da de da da.' My own Bad Moon Rising song was about a bathroom on the right which got semi trapped into yer subconsciousness because they were all my hits.  

After a while I even became a performer, hanging out in Vegas with the Prat pack, Dino, Frankie, Sammy and Liberace .... yeah Libby didn't fit in that well, just something odd about him, always wanted to take saunas and wrestle naked like Greeks.   

It was 1980 and me Thriller LP had just come out but I'd brought out a song I had written in the late 60's in order to get a Christmas number one. It was called Imagine, very lovely it was. 'Imagine there's no Mexicans, no lawns or burritos, no Hell below us and who doesn't like pie?'  Phil Spector co-produced it just so I could make inside jokes at his expense, "aye Phil it'll be number one with a bullet ... lol" or I'd say "keep yer hair on."

So I was returning to my New York apartment and some fat bloke yelled, "I hate pie!" a fat bloke who hated pie, must have really serious issues, he pulled out a gun, I didn't have time to grab someone as a human shield so I fled only to feel the bite of 4 bullets as they hit my back. In a split second I remembered Daisy explaining to me about fixed points in time and time resets that you couldn't escape from. 

So I woke in 2016 and found that some bastards had written my songs and had written my books about a boy wizard who discovered the power of his wand in puberty .... fucken time plagiarists, I have half a mind to go back and .... nope it's gone.  

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