Friday, 28 August 2015

Old Knudsen Cures Baldness

With a young Adolf Hitler

A wise man only gives his opinion when it's asked for, Old Knudsen can't sit around waiting for you to get smart enough to need his opinion. Back in the day while time traveling I visited a young man named Adolf Hitler, have you heard of him? .... I always ask that question in case I've fucked up the time stream again. 

Anyways Hitler was a young man born in a town in present day Austria in 1889, he then moved to Germany and became a postal courier who was much loved in his town. He married a lovely lass named Anna and had 7 children, he died in 1975 aged 86 surrounded by his children, grandchildren and his young male friend Edwardo. That was his life and probably the reason you've never heard of him. 

When I met him, he was a young delicate lad with an over bearing father, while Adolf wanted to paint and was very into the show tunes of the time and performing dance routines his father made him do manly stuff like hike up mountains while drinking strong beer.  

Adolf's future was to fight in the great war of 1914 - 1918, it was a fixed point in time and there was no escape from it. 
I had read all the time lines (well some of them) that Hitler was in and his son Heinrich was going to cure male pattern baldness so it was vital that he was born, I'm no going bald by the way though my face just seems to be getting bigger as I age. 

I became young Adolf's friend and told him which cushy regiment to join for WWI that would keep him away from the front and I also told him the exact time to leave his bunker cos a shell would have hit it, yes I probably did save his life. He was the type to avoid war service but to avoid him fleeing from Vienna to Munich and getting arrested and looking like a coward which he might very well do I made sure he knew what an easy war he'd have. 

Adolf would be a HQ runner and his war would be a lot more comfortable than most. The Iron cross second class he was given was handed out to many HQ staff because they were always around the big wigs. 

I told Adolf that he was different than most other men and his thoughts and desires would have to be suppressed for the greater good of the werld and besides, all that chumery was still illegal back then he'd only be allowed to be himself in 1968 when the laws change. 

I taught him how to walk with a swagger instead of mincing. I taught him how to disregard the feelings of others as a typical man would do, his empathy and camp-ness would never attract the future Mrs Hitler ... yes it was that important, Timelord shit, you wouldn't understand.       

Angry, horny, hungry, hot and cold are the 5 male emotions .... are hot and cold, ach never mind I taught him them all as he thought way too much, I did teach him the Scooby Doo Theme tune to help him replace yon intellectual stuff in his hed. I schooled him in never owning up to anything and how to blame shift, "It's the dog's fault!"

There's a lot to being a man ya know. 

I advised him that if he ever wanted success in life to exaggerate about his war service, maybe make up some death defying feats and close calls and say yer iron cross was first, not second class. A real nutter would kill those who served with him and destroy his birthplace but that would be crazy huh.

He needed to be more confident and to take control, I used all the cliches like, 'Fortune favours the bold' and 'Just do it.' I told him to do something with yon mustache as it made him look funny. 

My 3 weeks with Hitler boosted his low self esteem, I told him he was meant for a higher purpose (having his son) but of course couldn't tell him too much. He was a non-smoking vegetarian that liked the feel of cheese wedges up his rectum but I can only do so much.

You see the werk of a Timelord often goes by without you even knowing about it, you'd never had heard the name Adolf Hitler if I hadn't done a post about him. I will leave you now with the advice that seemed to resonate the most with young Adolf, 'Go big or go home' ... he was bound to get the gurl after that and to all you slap heads out there, yer welcome, enjoy yer hair. 

 

 

 

  

2 comments:

Вячеслав said...

Yes again Knudman I am again enjoyment lesson of history. End of essay having again sublime. I pass you history oral now to other village childrens two times many thank Google Translate. yours in blog appreciate from Vyacheslav

Old Knudsen said...

I used to be an old drinking buddy with Joe Stalin, even after he killed off all the rest. We'd drink Molotov cocktails and wrestle in the snow ... ah good times.