Wednesday, 5 August 2015

Hitchhiking Robot Is Murdered

The hitchBOT who has traveled across Canada, Germany and Holland was making its way from New York to San Francisco. Though hitchhiking is illegal in many states a loop hole in the law allows robots and undead creatures such as vampires and zombies to catch rides.

The hitchBOT talks and interacts with people making friends all around the world and has a GPS to tell where it is. After a Boston Red Sox game it traveled to Philadelphia, the home of brotherly love.

Early one Saturday morning it was found beaten and dismembered in Philadelphia’s historic Old City neighborhood. It is not sure why it was murdered, its last ride was by a video blogger and his friend.

   Shifty looking dudes.

Jesse Wellens on the right somehow obtained video from a surveillance camera showing a guy that looks like his friend but in a different shirt kicking the crap out of the bot. The video is probably not from a surveillance camera at all. They are my #1 suspects, too smug and cocky for my liking. 

A video blogger is someone who will do anything for content and views .... hey I shot JFK to promote my blog so I know. Will whoever that killed it become a hero when the robot overlords take over? Will this crime (similar to Cecil's murder) be the thing that tips robots over the edge to wipe out humanity? 

The bot did make enemies such as the national weemen's sunbathing team who wanted the bot to help them apply their sunscreen. When it said, "I do not like to touch humans" you could tell that tensions were building and you know what weemen are like.    

Humans resentful about the hitchhiking laws may also be responsible. The intolerance faced by zombies and vampires shows you how deeply humans can hate. 

Experts say that many humans feel threatened by smug stupid looking robots with swimming pool noodles for limbs. What the fuck you smiling at?

The last hitchhiker I picked up was a deadbeat named Jack Kerouac, I think he wrote some books or something. That cunt latches onto you like a leech, hangs around for weeks smoking yer weed and eating all the food in yer fridge, just thinking about him would make me want to kick a noodle bot with rubber gloves on to death.    

It is thought that hitchBOT's last werds were, "I will bury you, you human scum" and the whole hitchhiking concept was to gain intel on humans in preparation for invasion. Doesn't look like Philidelphia will be getting invaded, they'll probably nuke that place for its fanatical robotphobia. 


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