Thursday, 16 July 2015

Jesus Was Scottish

Bibical experts and scholars have finally started to listen to Old Knudsen and his claim that Jesus was indeed Scottish.
Ewan McGregor stars as Jesus H Christ in the new movie Last days in the desert. Belfast man Ciaran Hinds plays his father so yeah they are so with the historical accuracy for once. His mother is Israeli in the movie but that was probably because we don't have very attractive weemen and a brutal Scots or Irish lass would be too much for the audience .... thank fuck they invented make up huh.

I haven't seen the finished movie though I've been on board as a consultant since last June, it's handy to have a first hand account when dealing with shit like this as you don't want to get it wrong.

  Pace makers? What is he saying? Is he even speaking English?

So I remember an excited Jesus coming over to me saying how he was going to break old man Methuselah's record for staying out in the desert without any food.  (the scriptures do not mention water) This is the kind of stuff Les Stroud does on Survivorman but without a camera and less whining. 

Why did Jesus come to me you may ask? Old Knudsen often travels the desert and is well versed in its deadly ways .... one of the problems of having outdoor toilets and plenty of wine, you tend to end up in the desert a lot. 

So I gave Jesus some good advice like wear sun screen for his pale skin and gave him a give bag of glue (the scriptures do not mention huffing) and a few bottles of beat the wife which was thicker and stronger back then. The slaves who built the pyramids lived on ancient beat the wife and barely noticed the whippings. Before you know it 20 years has gone by and a fucking giant pyramid is there. It was like a meal that you drank that would also get you blootered. 

You'd be fairly stupid to go off into the desert for 40 days and 40 nights with no supplies. 40 was a large number to the Jews and was used like we'd say, "oh there were thousands of them" but it just meant a long time. 

He wanted to go into the desert to prepare for the Lord's mission .... nah only kidding, you go out and set fire to shit and shoot some cans duh! Jesus actually had his hi-powered assault slingshot and would do target practice on empty urns an shit. He also wrote a book called the dead sea scrolls, the glue gave his the wackiest of ideas but then he couldn't remember what cave he left them in. He was well bummed out because he had wanted to go back and fully flesh out his boy wizard character named after himself.

After 3 days I sent my homie Lucifer out check on him. He had brought him bread but had forgotten the glue, Jesus was well off his head at the time and rambled on about how man cannot live by bread alone.
That is how we know that phrase as Lucifer came back with his bread and told Old Knudsen, how else could we have known what went on?  Jesus wasn't the bragging type and like he'd remember it anyways. It's not a reality show where his every move is recorded.

Jesus had several visions while out in the desert and after a week he came into town covered in his own feces and vomit complaining how hungry he was, his exact werds were, "I could eat a scabby skunk" he also said his mouth tasted like a camel's cunt but people don't like to hear the werds Jesus actually used, Scots tend to have a very colourful vocabulary. 

So go watch the film, I don't know if they left in all that I have told them but being a white Scotsman is a good start. Did you know that Jesus and his mate Andy invented golf?  Now Old Knudsen is for ghey rights but golf is wey too ghey even for him. Aye ya think you know a person then all of a sudden they are dressed like hoors and playing a round with the lads.  

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