Wednesday, 15 July 2015

Danger Selfies Cull The Herd

"Please, you got help me ..... shut up or the bitch gets it ..... listen to her she's serious :::blub blub::: just let me take a selfie before I die ..... better hurry up bitch cos I'm gonna do it."

The Bold and the beautiful called, you didn't get the part, even yer acting was too bad for them. Old Knudsen does studies in stupidity, he wants to understand people better so he can enjoy hunting them  talking to them more. Maybe I'm old but what the fuck is up with snuff selfies? ... then again what the fuck is up with disco dancing, you young uns never fail to disgust astound Old Knudsen. 

A 21 year-old Russian woman got hold of a security guard's pistol. The office werker probably couldn't figure out how to get past her computer's firewalls so she could watch porn or cat videos on social media like most office werkers do so she decided to take a selfie with the gun.

This is why open carry is a bad idea and why most civvies shouldn't be allowed near firearms, she "accidentally" pulled the trigger which made the gun unexpectedly fire. It was a rubber bullet which  ricocheted off the wall and hit her in the noggin. As far as I know she was in critical condition but expected to live.

You should always assume a gun it loaded and since modern pistols tend to have the safety built into the trigger you can fire the gun a lot easier now. Rubber bullets sound harmless, they are designed to be bounced off the ground and injure yer lower body, a head shot can be fatal.

I've been asked to do this post by the makers of the Darwin awards, they just can't keep up with demand.

 Plane just crashed, one person dead .... thankfully Instagram still works.

Mohammed Aslam Shahul aged 21, died in Bali after falling off a cliff while taking a selfie. He fell into the sea and it turned out that he couldn't swim. I guess 21 year-olds don't go on vacation to islands famous for its beaches to enjoy the water, unless the water is frozen and in their drinks. 

Anna Ursu, 18 was on top of a train in Romania to take a selfie when she touched the live wire. I hope someone took a pic of the burning mess or else what is the point to her sacrifice to the dark lord Selfie Dominous the shadow king?

Thanks to the selfie stick yer face no longer looks distorted unless the selfie is taken as you slip off the building.

Oscar Otero Aguilar, 21 from Mexico killed himself when posing for a selfie with his gun. 3 blokes from India, all  students aged between 20 and 22 died when they thought that taking a selfie on a train track with the train in the background was a good idea. They got out of the way of the train by jumping onto the track beside them not realising a train was coming in the opposite direction. I didn't see that coming, nor did they.

JESUS CHRIST! This is in bad taste. Jesus is my all time favourite historical character next to Sherlock Holmes, he deserves more respect than this. Whats next, stripping down to yer underwear and getting nailed to a cross for the ultimate selfie?

Oh never mind .... Jesus took duckface selfies for you!

Pete Wentz from a Fall Out Boy was not harmed in the making of this picture. 

If in doubt photoshap a shark. Then add the fake news title: 'Man Takes Selfie Moments Before Deadly Shark Attack' to mess with the critical thinking abilities of social media users who believe everything they see. 

The Pope also did not have a black Sabbath cassock either, some people want to believe but this faker doesn't fool me and no, he isn't cool and Black Sabbath were shite. Who am I to judge indeed ... doesn't stop you though.   

There are indeed some dumb enough to go into a shark cage for a selfie with a great white. Sharks are often maligned as vicious killers but in reality they only kill people dumb enough to swim in the sea or in rivers close to the sea. Often sharks mistake surfers and swimmers as seals .... Just like how Oscar Pistorius mistook his gurlfriend for a burglar before he shot her. 

It's a great excuse sharks but I'm starting to not believe it. 

Belfast boy takes selfie with queen .... she is not amused, he's still in the tower of London BTW.

Old Knudsen isn't impressed with snuff selfies or danger selfies, who cares if some back packers got naked for selfies on a sacred mountain? ... unless they have nice tits and then I care.

You hear people go on about how concerts are full of cell phones and people are no longer experiencing real life first hand, well that's bollocks! What is the point to going out, getting off yer head and missing getting a picture of Justin Bieber barfing on stage or Madonna falling off the stage? 

You just have yer fuzzy memory of the event right? Old Knudsen has missed years of his life due to the effects of alcohol on the brain but now he can record every drunken slur and sexual rejection thanks to modern technology.  Of course he has to get a smarts phone first even though he hates talking to peeple and doesn't like being tracked.

I do admire the fat girl angle selfies, very creative and why not? For some reason cameras aren't as good as mirrors and self delusion. 

 Here is yer prize for getting to the end of that post, yer prize is body issues, "look at that bitch, I bet she never eats and her lovely hair is probably photoshopped." or "look at that hottie, shit I hate my life in this basement and I'll never date a chick like her, should I do sit ups and improve my life or have more pizza? .... that wasn't really a question, pizza it is."
Selfies often bring beauty and semi erections to yer life unless it's Kim Kardashian then it's just 'oh her again' did you know that 97% of her indoor selfies that just show her face and shoulders were taken while she was having a crap?  Aye that serene yet smug look can be only achieved when pinching off a loaf ... true story bro. 

Take selfies responsibly and don't post more than 2 per month or people will think yer a self centered twat ... unless yer at new places or meeting celebs then it's ok cos social media is all about having the best looking life. 

If you do win a Darwin award then make sure yer pics get uploaded just before or after yer death. 

No comments: