Monday, 25 May 2015

The Queen Needs More Money

The Queen is suffering like the rest of us. 

Last year the Queen was given her yearly handout of £37.9 million known as a Sovereign Grant, this year it will be increased to £40 million due to the rate of inflation. Of course normal people's wages and benefits don't raise every year, that would be silly.
The money is used in maintaining all the royal homes even though £359,000 goes directly to Prince Philip.

This isn't enough. There have been stories of redundancies at the palace. Four long serving staff members will be rewarded for their loyalty with a pay off and the boot. Porters have had their overtime stopped though they are still expected to port as normal.

The Queen who is worth only £330 million and only gets £7.8 million as an annual salary is facing hard times like the rest of us.
We don't know the exact figures but can guess them from previous years. The Queen costs every person 52p a year but that doesn't account for the millions in security or the people who run her Ducy. (vast inherited estates)  

In 2010 she applied for a poverty handout since she was only getting £15 million back then and her gas and electric bills were costing £1 million. SHE'S A PENSIONER WE NEED TO LOOK AFTER OUR OLD PEOPLE!

The government told the palace that the £60m worth of energy-saving grants were aimed at families on low incomes and it wouldn't look good for the royals to dip into that, thank fuck they dipped into healthcare and education instead and doubled her yearly allowence.

Some money saving tips for the Queen:

She owns horses and 5,300 breeding pairs of mute swans, no need to go hungry.

Prince Edward has always been a bit of a dud, fire yer food taster and use him instead.

Fire the person who switches the lights on and off and use a long stick with a rubber end instead.

Does the royal train really need chefs? A nice packed lunch does the trick.

I know she gets defensive when you mention her 6 units of alcohol per day but if Old Knudsen can reduce his to 27 then she can reduce her's to 4.

Some of her Rubens and Rembrandts can be sold on eBay for a few bob. Who needs 150,000 paintings? The painting/print of yon dogs playing poker is the only one Old Knudsen needs, aye he does chuckle every time he looks at it ... it's funny cos they don't have thumbs hahahaha! Stoopid dogs.

She sends around 45,000 Christmas cards every year, I bet she doesn't get the low cost Tesco packs that give to charity.

In 2013 Prince Charles made £19.1million from being the head of the Duchy of Cornwall, maybe he could chip in and buy her a gas fire or something.

Raise the price of a ticket to tour Buckingham palace from  £35.60 to £50.

The Queen brand could be used to promote sports wear or something. Save 15% on one's car insurance .... whatever that is with Geico.

Not to sound callous or cruel but have those yappy wee Corgis put doon for fuck sake and lay off the poop scooper, the dog walker and the anal gland expressor.

Sell the Iron throne so that Michael Bolton and his rapey son Ramsay don't try to take it, can you really afford a war with the north? .... winter is coming and fuel bills are not cheap.

Award building contracts to the same firms that local authorities use for social housing, the work maybe cheap looking and shoddy but it's good enough for the plebs on benefits ... like you and yer family.

Get Kate's tubes tied, less kids means more money for you.

Quit using yer Christmas message to whine about yer anus horribilus, we all have our secret itches. Be more direct and just say you need more dosh and quit handing out awards and honours to brown nosers and pedos .... have you cancelled yer Christmas card to Rolf Harris yet? That's £2 for a card and 63p for postage right there, he'd probably sell it for smokes in prison anyways.
Some insider info, cancel yer card to Cliff Richard too, he's moving aboard to avoid charges of pedophilia and to not pay taxes for the sunny weather and overseas postage can be dear.

I'd sack whoever chooses the knighthoods and honours anyways since they seem to give them out to serial sex offenders but have somehow missed Old Knudsen .... I have a blog and I'm on the Facebook, how could you miss me?

Don't give out redundancies, accuse the staff of stealing and fire them. The royal bum wiper has rolls of yer silk toilet paper and sells yer dookies on the brown market. Old Knudsen has a full set of the royal collection.

If people were really loyal to you they'd werk for free, test that loyalty or off with their heds.

I hope this blog post helps her majesty, my next post will be about clever shopping and what coupons to look out for. Iceland and Lidl do frozen lobsters, yer diet doesn't have to change at all.          

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