Monday, 4 May 2015

Is Death From Above Really Progress?

 An artist's rendition called 'death from above.'

The unmanned Russian spacecraft Progress 59 is due to crash to earth between May 5th and 7th but scientists have studied the odds and their best guess says it will either hit the sea or some uninhabited land.
On the other hand it may land on YOU ..... remember when rocket science used to imply intelligence? Now it implies hipster nerds with funky hair cuts and bad sexist shirts.   

Progress 59 is a Russian craft full of supplies for the International space station. As Progress 59 was docking, Dr. Ryan Stone a medical engineer nicknamed The jinx pushed the wrong button sending the ship shooting back towards the earth. 

She was only on the ISS to experiment on how space affects the making of sandwiches. 

Now Progress 59 is falling back to earth full of bread and various sliced meats, we are kinda hoping it crashes in Nepal but we don't want to scare the people .    

The crew of the ISS will be fine, they have a 6 month emergency supply of  food jokingly called last resort mystery meat because it's 5 years old and is the stuff that no one liked. They always put the horrible stuff to the side and ate the nice stuff and now they get to clear it all out. Most of the emergency food is packets of Kapuska which is a hearty Turkish cabbage stew.  

Bookmakers are putting odds on the crew of the ISS resorting to cannibalism before the emergency food runs out and they get resupplied in June .... assuming that makes it up.  

NASA would like to reassure the public that they are in no danger from falling space craft but since this is a Russian ship they have said, "fuck it, not our problem."

Falling planes, pianos and bricks thrown by hairy primates kill more people worldwide than falling space craft so don't worry ... unless this is a Russian distraction and Progress 59 is really armed with a nuke and heading for the White house, if so then the rest of us can breathe a sigh of relief as the Obamas and the Americans in the surrounding area for 100 miles were kinda annoying. 

Progress 59 ... in 1959 pantyhose and Barbie was invented, the Dalai Lama bravely fled Tibet and Castro took over Cuba executing 71 opposition supporters so this could be any kind of vague message from the Russians or a Rusky joke about progress. 
In 1959, 21 students were killed when a US jet fighter crashed into an Elementary School on the island of Okinawa, the pilot had ejected ... they already had their fill of uncontrolled, ach you're bound to be fine death from above. Was there any other worse place in the area that it could have crashed? 
Small island, big sea, the odds are ......

There are also more deaths from unexpected materializing time travelers than death by falling space ship. 147 car accident insurance reports could not be processed last year as the mysterious time travelers always yelled about being late and vanished according to police reports when they got to the scene of the accidents. 

You've also got more chance of dying from an early morning heart attack on the bog than being hit by space debris. 
Time travelers materializing in the bath tub while yer having yer morning glory is enough to scare anyone to death. Some think that Elvis didn't die on the toilet and that a time traveler appeared and took him with him otherwise why would the tomb be empty 3 days later? 

I may be mixing my fictional characters up a little but if Elvis did die for yer sins then don't let him doon, keep on sinning. If homosexuality is an abomination according to some good Christian folk then ghey me up and fuck me in the arse for I love Elvis!   

Does anyone else have nightmares of a hand reaching up from the crapper and pinching yer arse as you pinch off a loaf? Some have dreams of prophecy concerning them leading vast armies or losing their virginity to a real person who isn't a relative but Old Knudsen sees this prophecy of doom in his future which is why he has started to shit into carrier bags and empty jars. Banning plastic bags from shops isn't very helpful, I have to buy rolls of bags for my functions though on the bright side me poo is easier to fling ....  just call me Mr Sunnyside.

From the 5th to the 7th keep a watch on the skies cos seriously, scientists really know fuck all these days. You may not win the lottery but knowing yer luck a big fuck off space ship full of peanut butter and jelly might land on yer hoose.      

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