Thursday, 7 May 2015

An Atheist Goes To Heaven

One day back in 2014 God was having one of his moods, "I don't know why I even bother with social media, the memes and the bitching just upsets me, why can't they just stop with the thinking and blindly believe in me?" 

Michael, one of Heaven's senior managers hated to see God in such a state as that usually led to God drowning the world, so far they had managed to keep him satisfied with some storms and earthquakes but it was getting more and more difficult. He then suggested the idea of bringing an atheist up to Heaven for a visit to see how great it was and that it actually existed.

Ken Bickerson was just an average guy who had decided at some point in his life that there was a scientific answer for everything and even though he was afraid of the dark he didn't believe in ghosts or monsters and blah blah blah, "A delusion is something that people believe in despite a total lack of evidence." ~ Richard Dorkins

You don't get on by being wrong ya know.

Only atheists believe that they won't go to Heaven, many God botherers think otherwise and I don't just mean baptizing yer dead ancestors like the Mormons do. 

One day Bickerson died and found himself at the pearly gates. St Peter looked him up and down with disdain, "Another baby eating atheist I see, off to Hell with you."  From inside the exclusive gated community St Michael rushed out and said, "It's ok Pete, this one is on a day pass" He rushed Bickerson inside much to the annoyance of the other atheists waiting in line outside and he explained what was going on. 

"You write short stories and have a blog so just report back on the wonder of Heaven and you'll be back in yer body alive with that cute girlfriend with the banging hot body." Explained Michael.

Bickerson saw beautiful landscaping, a wonderful rainbow and a shining citadel in the distance, "wow is that Heaven?" he asked in a daze.

"No" answered Michael with a sneer, "that's Valhalla, Odin said they'll keep the drunken singing down while you're visiting but he had a glint in his eye so I wouldn't count on it."     

Michael gave Bickerson the tour, pointing out the children's home, "set up by an atheist ya know, Christians don't really look after their kids very well so this atheist on her way to Hell barged in and said she was going to care for them because it was the morally right thing to do, as if they know what morals are, no offense."  Bickerson dry retched, "what is that smell?"

Michael rolled his eyes and pointed, "rivers of semen" a sock tried to float to the milky surface but gave up the struggle and sunk, "if you like we can visit the ponds of period" Bickerson declined.

"Is that who I think it is?" asked Bickerson in disbelief . "Yeah it's Sir Jimmy Savile, Vlad the Impaler and Adolf Hitler, as thick as thieves they are."

Savile had been knighted by Pope John Paul II who is infallible and also did a lot of work for charity. Vlad the Impaler killed many Muslims in the name of Christianity and Hitler hedged his bets and asked for forgiveness before killing himself.

Father Charles Coughlin, Fred Phelps, Jim Jones, Marshall Herff Applewhite Jr, David Koresh all good Christians are living it up in Heaven, hey even the Green river killer who killed over 48 people is assured a place when he dies .... a Pentecostal ya know. 

"It's all about love and forgiveness" said Michael with a broad smile as Savile, Vlad and Hitler snickered into their hands.

Entering the great hall God called out, "Kenny my man, you were wrong I exist ... lol!" The people in Heaven looked happy and at peace, dancing to angelic music, not even the "chug, chug, chug" being chanted from Valhalla put them off.  

God continued, "women know their place, children and pets don't get in the way and you might even find the odd atheist up here ... of course divorcees and queers go straight to Hell and for some reason most atheists choose that too." 

Bickering looked around at the smiling blank faces in disgust, "so you're up here partying while others are being tortured in Hell, what kind of Christians are you?"

God sighed, "that's exactly what Jesus said."  With a wave of his finger Bickerson was put back into his body but with his memories of Heaven wiped. "fucking atheists" fumed God, I am so this close to smiting Nepal just for the sake of it.

Meanwhile in Hell.

Lucifer: "Hey JC my man, I'm so bummed out, people keep saying that Hell is full of torture and suffering but in reality it's just us with our cool homies having a good time, the only suffering is when we run out of beer am I right bro?"

Jesus unzipping his man diaper and peeing into a can, "got that covered, look, water to beer."

Lucifer raises his can and takes a drink, "and it tastes Delish!" 

"I don't like seeing you unhappy Lucy, I'm done with trying to preach to those selfish cunts, 4 times I returned and 4 times they killed me, why don't we let a Christian visit Hell so they can tell everyone else that it's better than Heaven, there's bingo and yoga and we weren't stupid enough to build beside any rowdy Vikings."

Lucifer raised an arched eyebrow, "we do have all the cool, interesting famous people, I like your thinking, lets do it." 

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