Monday, 6 April 2015

The One That Got Away

The view from my hoose, yes that untidy grass is an eye sore.

So Good Friday was pretty good at first, a knock at my door had me reaching for me 9 (9 incher not 9 mil) which I shoved in me pants as I was not expecting company. At the door stood a young lass smiling at me (until she noticed I hadn't zipped) with a clipboard in her hand. "yer a bit early for date night and what happened to one tooth Agnes my usual?" Not that I was complaining, I don't often talk to young weemen these days as the ones around town know me or have been warned. 

"I'm from the Internet, have you heard of it sir?" .... "I am doing a survey on Internet usage, online shopping and banking, and I'd like to know your opinion about social media but if you don't use the Internet then I'll not bother you any further."     

Since I was staring at her boobs and her fine child bearing hips I only heard 'sir' and 'opinion' so I invited her in.

I said, "take off yer clothes and get oiled up" I'm in the habit of saying that so seeing her startled look I laughed it off and told her I was joking and that me Alzheimers was giving me jip today.  To put her at ease I offered her a cup of coffee, she said yes so I told her I don't have any, I can't stand the taste so write that doon then go make me a cup of tea, my leg is in awful pain I said and I must sit doon, the Germans shot me at Iwo Jima when I was fighting for yer freedoms. 

While we sat and drank our so so tea she asked me questions about what I did online ... of course I didn't tell her about everything, Old Knudsen can read people and seeing that she washed the tea cups she must be from a sheltered well off family. 

Silly questions about who my favorite teacher was, my first pet and my mother's maiden name, I kept waiting for questions about immigration and gheys which to my mind are the single most important issues EVER! .... healthcare, education and employment are soo boring and who cares?
Just think about what these happy campers get up to, it's enough to break up marriages between men and weemen.   

Imagine all the ghey sex, rimming live away, woo hoo woo hoo. I feel Satan's grip upon me as I look at yon picture. I must beat the devil out of me.

How many immigrants are ghey? Has no one covered this? It's terrible trying to imagine the kind of things they get up to in their bedrooms but as a fine upstanding Christian it's my duty to do so ... Aye I was born again, I found a church with such low turn out that they don't mind me drinking there. 

I over heard the reverend's wife asking him to pick up some milk on the way home from where ever he was going and he harshly admonished her and rightly so for she had interrupted him thinking about gheys on their wedding night. 

What Old Knudsen imagines when gurls are polite to him. 

So this lass was laughing at my jokes and smiling, maybe I misread the signals or maybe she was just a Good Friday dick tease but she did not want to go upstairs to get comfortable nor did she want to see my shed. 

She wrapped up her survey and said she had to go .... damn it I knew I should have made the tea. I quickly offered her another beverage in an open container but she declined.

Ach I thought I was losing me mojo for a while but then I noticed something was missing and it wasn't me woman charming skills. Me box of Internet was gone. 

I looked doon the side of the table in case the cat had knocked it off, I don't have a cat but a good detective covers all possibilities. No, the cables were just sitting there all limp and useless like an EU sanction against Russia.   

No Interwebs .... she had taken the modern which is that box that stores yer passwords and websites for you non-tech noobs out there. I'd have to go to the library and use their computers to change all me passwords from 123password to something more cunning like password123.

Damn cold calling thieves, always check their I.D. aye they knew how to get past Old Knudsen's defenses, Mata Hari used that cunning trick of putting my dick in her mouth to get me to tell her secrets during the great war ... well they call it great but I've seen better.      

I hope she doesn't believe half the stuff I told her as I suffer from an illness known as pseudologia fantastica and add to that my paranoia (unless a pretty lass smiles at me)  I don't always give the truth. 
What was the name of yer first pet? .... the first one I owned, had sex with, cooked for dinner or killed by accident cos I thought it was a demon come to rip out my soul? ... damn those drugs. You must be more precise with yer questions and never assume you are just talking to one person. 

Using a computer at the library isn't that bad as long as you don't mind no privacy, they frown on you trying to surf porn and have definite rules against you taking yer cock out .... are these the freedoms I fought at Agincourt for? 


Cathy said...

A woman actually came to your door with a survey and you didn't lock her in the basement with the S&M equipment?? Sardonically written and always a riot, you make me :-) smile. Ok, more like LMAO:-O!!!

Old Knudsen said...

I think I've lost me edge.

Cathy said...

Yer edgy enough for me Old Knuds. No one says it like you.