Tuesday, 21 April 2015

I Killed You In Another Time Line Just For Fun

Did the TV show Dr Who rip off Old Knudsen's life? Well lets just say there are similarities. Old Knudsen does travel through space and time but not just in a time machine, he also uses mind expanding drugs too, the shamen of ancient Ballymena would often use Charlie, White, Snow, Toot, Rocks or Wash to enter on a vision quest and very often it would take you back through time only to have you emerge back in yer own time covered in blood riding the wrong way on Ballymena's crappy one way system on some strange tractor.

The legal system prefers Old Knudsen to use his Turdis, and so does his septum. While Old Knudsen has traveled through time to punch the odd historical cunt, he has also gone back in time to shag the odd bit of historical totty, a time traveler has to have his fun.

The main thing Dr Who has gotten wrong is that Old Knudsen doesn't run, it's not that he's really brave it's just that he doesn't do running. Invincible trash cans with plungers and we're all going to die? The fuck we are, run if you want Old Knudsen is going to fuck up some wheelie bins cos I've just eaten and can't be arsed to run.    

Anyways did you enjoy Easter? 

Look everyone Jesus isn't really dead. 

So I went back to 33AD ... it was a Friday and the Jews were getting the Romans to crucify Jesus. It was well nasty, almost put me off me bag of salted wolf nipple chips, the Romans sure know how to put on a show.

When he was dead and totally bereft of life me and Darren my companion partner chum assistant landed the Turdis in his crypt and took his body .... *lol!*

Yes it was funny seeing their faces when he wasn't there but even better when we did a weekend at Bernies all over the town. Thomas was a bit of a doubter, wouldn't surprise me if that cunt was an atheist. All through his life Jesus had the others blindly accepting but Thomas would say something cuntish like, "well they were very big loaves and fishes and everyone only got a bite" .... or "sure he turned water into wine he has a home brew kit but it took him 6 weeks."  Aye he also turned a tree into a table, some cattle into burgers, made a blind man see by finding his glasses and walked on water .... it rained that day so everyone walked on water but Jesus thinks he's special.   

Questions and doubts are for the weak. Showing Thomas the spear wound and the fact that Jesus could nod his head convinced him .... peer pressure played its part too.  

So yer welcome about Easter, I'd actually just wanted to fuck with their heads but a holiday and chocolate bunnies is a fucking win.

You say I'm famous for shitting myself when I died ... that makes me sad. 

When you read about Hitler you see that he just didn't bother the last couple of years, he barely left his room nor did he make any decisions. I went back and made Hitler watch a movie called  Inglourious Basterds and told Hitler that it was based on real historical fact.  Yes Hitler, you were killed as well as many of yer top men by a group of Jews who could barely speak any German ... feel wick ya loser. 

He did indeed feel wick to speak plainly he was scundered . Hitler felt embarrassed at having failed Germany so badly that he became depressed and a total shut in. Yes, Old Knudsen won the war by fucking with his head. 

One day in 1944 he heard the birds singing and the sun was out so he left his bunker to go for a walk and BAM! he entered Old Knudsen's historical fightclub. That right there was probably the last straw. 

Don't judge Old Knudsen, it's the way he rolls. Old Knudsen also talked Bonnie Prince Charlie into invading England just to have him get doon there and a friend tell him that London had a massive army which made him retreat .... it had fuck all of an army Ka-Chow! 

I also suggested to Columbus a nice vacation destination out west and swapped the Titanic's unsinkable blue prints for ones I had made in photoshop. The 4th funnel was fake you know, the original only had 3 but I didn't like odd numbers, very unlucky so I had them slap on an extra dummy one for luck. 
Apart from terrorism, Game of thrones and the crisp sandwich, Belfast is only known for a maritime disaster ... no publicity is bad publicity .  

I didn't know that Houdini was joking, otherwise I would have left him his secret key. Some have called Old Knudsen a madman in a box, others have called him a dirty fucker who rapes dead bodies, Old Knudsen refuses to let these small minded labels define him or shape the person he is.

Did you have a good Christmas last year? .... well there might not be any more but don't worry you won't notice, it will be replaced with 'Happy oral sex day' not really for the children but they'll learn. 

*When Old Knudsen types lol he is doing it scornfully as there is never any out loud laughing from him ... lol*


Cathy said...

I'm sure Old K could've gone further back in time and just strangled the infant Adolf but how much more fun to land a left hook on an adult chin? Can we depend on you to travel into the future to see how badly we screw up our space programs? I just gotta know!

Old Knudsen said...

Strangling babies is so last year, or next year I can't remember. I saw this documentary called Gravity, that is what to expect.