Monday, 9 March 2015

Man Grows A Vagina

50 shades of Grey made my parts tingle. 

Tom Johnson from Felixstowe ..... England noticed something was happening to his genitals, they were shrinking and shriveling up into his body. This process affects one in 500 men and is thought to be caused by a hormonal imbalance due to excessive emotional stimulation.

"On social media I pretended to care when I'd read about a shooting, natural disasters or animal cruelty, I just wanted the people (mostly women) to like me."  

On Twitter Tom followed people but never had anything to say, on Facebook he'd LIKE status' and just rephrase what everyone else was saying.

"Before I knew it I was signing petitions about saving butterflies and wolves, I hate nature I have allergies. I noticed some wet patches on my groin but ignored them thinking I just hadn't shaken it enough after going to the loo."  

Tom also noticed that his penis and scrotum were noticeable smaller but didn't want to go to a doctor in case they laughed at his small willy.

"I stopped getting erections but it didn't ruin my sex life since I have been married for years. My emotions seemed to be getting out of control and I took offense at everything. After the USA Mall shooting I went looking for stories around the world in Africa and south east Asia about shootings that didn't get as much media coverage and shamed the people who felt bad for the people in the Mall for not feeling bad about the 3 shot dead in Abidjan. I even looked up where Abidjan was." 

Eventually Tom did go to the Doctor as the only way he could urinate was when he was sitting down.

"I talked to my doctor who had to call in his fellow doctors for their opinions, some of them took selfies with my groin. It turns out that I have Sitzpinkler syndrome which is the German name for a man who sits to pee. After 6 months my male genitalia had turned completely female. I was liking Facebook pages called, 'Hugs not prison' and cried everyday because people just didn't understand that murderers, rapists and pedophiles were as much of a victim as their victims were, soon all the women that I was hoping to impress were telling me to man up and grow a pair or just unfriended me, the only ones I had left were the people too polite to unfriend me and Candy Crush players, I accepted their invites to please them but popping shapes in games upsets me too much, also my vagina weeps as much as I do."     

Sitzpinkler syndrome cannot be cured, only managed. It is advised to not click on stories that say, 'This man raped his victim but what he did next was worse' or 'What these teens did to a puppy will sicken you' this isn't burying your head in the sand it's not getting worked up on how bad the world is when you can't do anything about it. 
If you are male and have ever complained about America's gun culture or have texted £3 to the polar bears after seeing a commercial on the TV then you could be susceptible to Sitzpinkler syndrome. 

The simple test for Sitzpinkler syndrome is this, what would you rid the world of if you had to choose, kittens or titties? 

Those called David or Paul are 5 times more likely to develop Sitzpinkler syndrome than a Robert or John. 

Playing Call of duty and looking at porn might just keep Sitzpinkler syndrome at bay as will one night stands and bar fights. Doctors also advise that when looking at baby pictures to not think about sweet, helpless, bundles of cute but rather tiny, needy, manipulators who will get taller than you and put you in a home when you are old.

Waiting for a restroom stall to be free while men whizzed away at the urinals has made Tom realise just how good he had it once. Fuck Abidjan where ever it is.

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