Monday, 23 February 2015

Star Trek Space Seed

Captain, sensors indicate a ship off the starboard nacelle, it is an Earth ship from your 20th century. Life signs are weak and the ship is powered down. 

Can't you see I'm busy breaking in a new crew member, must you tell me of every little fucking thing that goes on around here, what do I pay you for? 

Captain here in the 23rd century, we exist in a socialist welfare society where money is not used so you do not pay me at all. I shall put it on screen because I wish to, you are not the boss of me, merely some one who is in charge .... I could snap you like a twig with my superior Vulcan strength.  

Kirk - Well someone is on their Pon Farr. Look at that Spock, it doesn't even look like a space ship, we'll beam over once I spill my space seed all over Lt Dillon's space titties... aaahhhhkkkiiirrrkkkk!!!!!

I can't believe we came over for this, it smells like 20th century space farts, what do you think Bones?

Bones - Definitely egg and onion from the mid 1990's Jim and I think our historian Lieutenant McGivers is getting a little moist at all this historical man meat hence the slight whiff of Thai food. If you smash the glass this one might wake up or die .... it's worth the risk .

Kirk - Excellent Bones, I like to smash things ::::smash!:::::

Bones - Sick bay to bridge, our patient has begun to wake up, his morning space wood is quite impressive.

Kirk - Bones I told you to call it 'The well being room' as sick bay conveys a negative image, I'll be down after I complete these performance reviews, Kirk oooouuutttt!!!!

I'm Captain James T Kirk of the USS Enterprise, you've been asleep for 200 years, and you are?

Khan .... just Khan, like Modonna, Cher and Bono. I am an engineer and would like to look at the plans of this ship, specially the life support and weapons systems.

Kirk - Even though I know nothing about you please feel free to study our ship's data base and security protocols, you must have a lot of catching up to do, there were these movies called Twilight, they'll blow yer fuckin mind .... oh oh and check out Breaking bad and Game of Thrones, great titty action in the first couple of seasons and then bleh. 

Kirk - Lieutenant McGivers a word please, your conduct on the landing party was a disgrace, you let your personal feelings of attraction for this man come between you and doing your job. I expect the utmost professionalism from my crew, you've shamed the whole of Star fleet. I don't find you at all attractive and the only reason you are still on board is because those affirmative action goons insist we have a ginger in the crew, gingers on a ship are bad luck .... If you need me I'll be in my quarters with Yeoman Rand, sucking on her ample space norks.

Khan - Ah Lieutenant McGivers or should I call you Marla? You want the 20th century man meat I just know you do. You should wear your hair down and I don't like you talking to other men.

I've 200 years of man batter saved up, wouldn't you like to taste some historical jizz? For academic reasons of course.

McGivers - No, no...

Khan - Don't waste my time I'm sure there are plenty of women in the 23rd century who deserve me more. If you want to stay then stay but you have to ask my permission.

McGivers - Can I, please stay?

 Khan - Yes you can stay and you are going to help me take over this ship. 
 The stunt actors never look anything like the actors, how lame.

But first the sexy time, 200 years, here I KKKHHHAAANNNN!!!!!  

Kirk - It sounds like he's in there playing basket ball or something with Lieutenant McGivers, no doubt catching up on sports. He may be twice as strong as a normal man but Wilson is on his holidays and we lost Philips and Edwards on Rimjob 5, oh and Simmons exploded in the transporter this morning so you are the only red shirt left, stand here with your back to the door and guard Khan, * you'll be grand.*

Yes sir!  

Kirk - Oh and give my congratulations to your wife on the birth of your first child. We'll have you back in Space dock in no time to see them. 

Thank you sir!

Next scene.

Khan - Then I pulled open the door and snapped the guard's neck as a farmer chokes a chicken. You are all fine examples of genetic engineering, we will do president Clinton proud when we take control of the Enterprise and then world after world will fall to us .... Since you women are fit like dancers I'll only give the red outfits to the men and you wear those space thongs. Oh and go make me a space turkey sandwich woman!


Spock - Captain we flooded all decks with space gas but Khan remains in engineering, you must go alone to sort him out as I have some things and stuff I'd rather be doing .... You'll be grand.  

Kirk - I'll set my phaser to kill and get him in the back, no problem.

Khan - Got you! .... That was kinda easy.

Khan - Seriously, this was your plan?  Humans have not evolved much in 200 years, I am a far Superior example of Homo sapiens. 

Space fight! .... wait a minute, who the fuck are these guys?

Meanwhile in Spock's quarters .... Like I said, things and stuff. I wonder how the captain is doing.
Kirk uses his intellect (and a space wrench) to over power Khan.  Kirk - Now I'm the superior homo!  

Kirk - I call this hearing to judge Khan and his crew and Lieutenant McGivers. 20th century people can't help but be anything but savage so I forgive them but will abandon them on a shitty planet, along with the Lieutenant who was definitely bad luck.

Khan - It is better to reign in Hell than serve in Heaven, I hope you have a good pair of knee pads bitch.

Kirk - Wouldn't it be interesting to return to this world in 100 years and see what this space seed has sown?

Spock - No, not really captain. 

The crew of the Enterprise didn't bother to check out the solar system they were marooning Khan on and the neighbouring planet, Ceti Alpha VI exploded destroying the ecosystem of  Ceti Alpha V the planet that Khan was living on .... oops.

In 15 years of having a harsh life on Ceti Alpha V Khan turned into an old woman with big knockers. He had soon worn out Lieutenant McGivers who died from asphyxiation during some danger sex. 

For some reason he blamed Kirk for leaving them there and never telling anyone or checking up on them .. ever!

Kirk did think about Khan often and instead of saying his own name when he climaxed he would shout out the name KKKHHHAAANNN!!!!! His therapist believes it has to do with a deeply held belief of inferiority and perhaps guilt at stranding the 74 people on a shitty planet. 

*Irish for you are totally fucked*

No comments: